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monocle's favorite FMLs
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
by actually just constipated.. and stupid / 03/04/2015 at 10:03am / Tunisia / Health
Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML
by Anonymous / 02/07/2015 at 4:03pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
by whotouchedyou1 / 08/25/2014 at 10:37pm / United States (Texas) / Health
by alisaav / 08/08/2014 at 3:40am / Thailand / Love
Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML
by Dancing King / 08/07/2014 at 11:36am / Norway (Rogaland) / Health
by younggirl101 / 08/05/2014 at 12:51pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids
Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML
by Anonymous / 08/03/2014 at 1:16am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work
Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML
by Anonymous / 07/24/2014 at 5:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML
by FML / 07/24/2014 at 11:59am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
by Death By Parent / 07/19/2014 at 6:38pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by shtidsfpa / 06/18/2014 at 5:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML
by wish his dad had worn one / 06/07/2014 at 5:16pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
by mathesonn / 05/29/2014 at 7:32pm / United States (New York) / Work
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML
by great 1st impression / 05/25/2014 at 12:09pm / United Kingdom (Derby) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner.… Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat,… Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found…
- Today, I was mugged by a homeless lady who was eating a pudding cup with a spoon. At one point she… Today, my mom got a jukebox. She hasn't stopped playing the music on a high volume for the past two… Today, my cousin was using my iPad. He "accidentally dropped" it out the window 3 stories up. It's…