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By elvisfreak5446 - 10/08/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

agreeclassic 32 206

vote type 1 23 411

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 22:50 - France

Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML

agreeclassic 32 205

vote type 1 4 390

By Anonymous - 27/05/2015 14:21 - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

agreeclassic 32 204

vote type 1 2 813

By Anonymous - 03/02/2013 02:47 - United States - New Haven

Today, the new manager at my workplace left early in a panic, exclaiming, "My grandma had an accident! I need to see if she's okay!" I was left in charge of the bar once again. This is the sixth time this week his grandma has had an "accident". FML

agreeclassic 32 202

vote type 1 2 668

Funny guy

By memoryloss - 04/12/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a check up, having had a head injury a week ago and suffering some memory loss. Turns out, the medicine he gave me for my head has memory loss as a side effect. He then said, "I told you. Don't you remember?" After I said no, he said, "I figured." and giggled. FML

agreeclassic 32 202

vote type 1 2 831

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

agreeclassic 32 202

vote type 1 6 071

By Anonymous - 17/04/2015 20:43 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game, and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said, "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

agreeclassic 32 201

vote type 1 4 013

By Anon - 14/11/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

agreeclassic 32 199

vote type 1 3 266

Imagine what it would be like

By Anonymous - 07/09/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

agreeclassic 32 198

vote type 1 10 061

By Username - 18/10/2010 15:52 - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

agreeclassic 32 196

vote type 1 2 923

By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

agreeclassic 32 196

vote type 1 6 926

Get away from me

By OhLovely - 01/11/2012 01:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I found out that my over-controlling parents would be moving in next door. I'm almost 23, and moved 5,365 km away to get away from them. FML

agreeclassic 32 196

vote type 1 1 946

By earths_venus - 26/08/2010 12:49 - Australia

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs while delivering a pizza, and severely sprained my ankle. The guy looked at me lying there, and shut the door in my face. I then got told to "Suck it up, Princess" by my manager. FML

agreeclassic 32 194

vote type 1 3 478

Earths_Venus app_comment_confession_title

Earths_Venus 25

Thursday 26 August 2010 20:25

Yeah I just got back from Emergency and I'll be off my feet for 2 days. My manager is a funny bastard, he heard me say that to someone else a few days before and decided to use it on me. He did end up helping me to my car and getting me an ice pack. No, I didn't get a tip from that asshole.

By Fatty - 06/03/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, my six year old daughter cut out the stomach area of four of my favorite shirts. When I asked her why she had done so she replied, "So that they fit your tummy better, Mommy." FML

agreeclassic 32 194

vote type 1 6 217

You OK hun?

By notexactly - 29/12/2009 00:48 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened, I slipped and fell in the shower, and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered, "Well, she's masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!" FML

agreeclassic 32 191

vote type 1 3 350

Dope

By valarmorgoolies - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

agreeclassic 32 189

vote type 1 3 099

By satega - 10/12/2012 19:07 - United States - Smithville

Today, my family went on a family trip without me. Their reason for not bringing me? My older sister wanted extra legroom during the drive. FML

agreeclassic 32 188

vote type 1 1 945

satega app_comment_confession_title

satega 16

Tuesday 25 June 2013 21:06

Op here. Figured I'd add this tidbit, the ride originally consisted of me, my mother, my sister and my mothers boyfriend. So it really wasn't s family trip at all in ether end.

By LonelyShowers - 04/07/2012 05:36 - United States - Mission Hills

Today, my boyfriend pointed out that the water bill is getting kind of high. I suggested that we shower together to save water. He said he'd rather deal with the high water bill. FML

agreeclassic 32 188

vote type 1 4 078

You can't explain that

By shreking_bawl - 14/11/2014 18:39 - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explainable stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

agreeclassic 32 186

vote type 1 3 440

By beckbm23 - 21/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

agreeclassic 32 184

vote type 1 2 601

By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 20:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that my estranged daughter has been married for five years. I wasn't told of or invited to their wedding, and the only reason I know now is because she needs money for a divorce lawyer. FML

agreeclassic 32 183

vote type 1 4 836

By Kelly - 02/08/2012 08:11 - United States - Manteca

Today, my brother offered my boyfriend $50 to dump me. Guess who's single. FML

agreeclassic 32 183

vote type 1 3 192

By ihatemyjob - 12/09/2010 07:23 - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

agreeclassic 32 181

vote type 1 2 782

By Alejandroc - 20/01/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

agreeclassic 32 181

vote type 1 3 476

By chocolaterabbit - 02/11/2009 12:41 - Australia

Today, my friends created a fake Facebook profile of a girl, and asked me to be in a relationship. Even my friends think I can't get a real girlfriend, and need a fake one to feel better. FML

agreeclassic 32 180

vote type 1 4 481

By whatawaste - 07/03/2012 16:25 - United States

Today, I went to the dorm showers to use the facilities. As I was getting in the shower, I slipped and landed face first into a puddle. It wasn't water. FML

agreeclassic 32 179

vote type 1 2 370

chaoticxxxmess app_comment_confession_title

chaoticxxxmess 3

Wednesday 7 March 2012 21:10

I was holding on to my towel and I landed on the side my face.

By frustrated - 22/01/2013 07:20 - Australia - Mittagong

Today, my mother insisted I dress very smartly in suit attire for my first job interview at a hippy-style retail store. My interviewer wore a poncho. I didn't get the job. FML

agreeclassic 32 179

vote type 1 7 049

The Dictator

By anonymous - 18/01/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

agreeclassic 32 178

vote type 1 4 119

By yikes - 21/04/2012 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

agreeclassic 32 178

vote type 1 3 785

Party time!

By Kate - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

agreeclassic 32 178

vote type 1 4 087

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Today, after I spent 3 months growing my beard and hair so I could go for the Viking look, my mom told me I look almost eerily identical to the registered sex offender who lives 2 streets away. Out come the clippers, I’m going full bald. Three months wasted FML

agreeclassic 977

vote type 1 265

Today, and every time I try my hand at content creating, I get 0 appreciation or recognition, beyond bigger content creators stealing my work and ideas as their own, and seeing them get the many 10s of thousands of views I could have gotten. FML

agreeclassic 848

vote type 1 283

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

agreeclassic 13 165

vote type 1 3 078

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

agreeclassic 29 972

vote type 1 9 792

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees". For some reason, everybody pronounces it "your anus". FML

agreeclassic 43 202

vote type 1 5 893

Today, my boyfriend told me that if he was to break up with me, he would do it in a crowded location so I couldn't start to cry or make a scene. FML

agreeclassic 31 212

vote type 1 5 052