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Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 22:00

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 055

You deserved it 145

By fartingdogprego - 23/07/2010 13:18 - United States

Today, my husband left for a two-week trip. Last night he gave the dog a treat of steak fat and gristle. My treat? I am on bed rest with my pregnancy and helpless to stop the rancid dog farts that are silent and smell like a burning septic tank exploded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 394

You deserved it 4 464

fartingdogprego tells us more.

fartingdogprego 0

Saturday 24 July 2010 20:08

Thanks for those that understand! Hubby--great guy, went on this trip to get paternity leave later. Timing just sucks with bedrest (high blood pressure, just precaution, can't drive, walk the dog, clean, cook, work, etc) and a dummy move to give the dog food he's not used to. Texas is too hot to leave him outside. My mom helps in the am before work, and his mom is helping in the pm after work. Cooler with food they are making me and the laptop are making it bearable, and friends/hubby call all the time on the cell. Can get up to use the restroom as needed. Just sucks to be in bed or on the couch with a farting dog and not able to walk him and get some fresh air.

By diddlebuag - 27/05/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 073

You deserved it 6 253

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

By Lor - 09/10/2019 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 871

You deserved it 177

By sn-511 - 01/03/2013 22:54 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 089

You deserved it 6 000

Happy intoxication day

By rubber_duckie177 - 24/09/2009 11:25 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 191

You deserved it 4 040

Proof

By George Saunders - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 157

You deserved it 54 257

Dumb it down

By alejandro38 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 924

You deserved it 3 595

Thanks for the support, guys!

By pinkpanther61789 - 17/10/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 152

By Emma-Louise - 20/05/2011 19:46 - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 444

You deserved it 14 378

Tense

By Lucia - 03/12/2023 22:00 - United States

Today, I found out my husband and I are banned from family gatherings, all because he was my sister’s ex-husband. They need to come to terms with #1, that was 2 years ago; #2 we’re obviously a better fit for one another. If he was "the One", he’d still be hers; #3 you can’t force someone to love you when they don’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 2 231

Complaint

By Red-cheeked - 18/05/2011 13:08

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 483

You deserved it 47 642

Meth heads

By Noname - 10/03/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methamphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 315

You deserved it 3 434

The truth will out

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 02:01

Today, after lying to my kid so she doesn’t learn how little her dad cares about her, my current husband, who didn’t know I was doing this, told her everything, such as how the last two times her dad flaked on picking her up was because he was in Vegas gambling, or in jail for hiring hookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 592

Once you see it…

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 16:02

Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 324

Rolled

By shushingmoon - 18/09/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 963

You deserved it 53 722

Mistaken identity

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 22:01

Today, I got home to some mad woman in my yard screaming about pregnancy and rape, and I almost had a heart attack thinking my son was being accused of some terrible crime. Turns out she was accusing my 15-year-old tomcat of impregnating her prize winning white fluff-ball of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 137

By daniel55 - 18/02/2013 00:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 425

You deserved it 5 877

By Jimii Liu - 11/03/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Everytime I touched her, her jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 658

You deserved it 3 375

Misunderstanding

By almostmugged - 17/09/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said, "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 064

You deserved it 55 316

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 17:32 - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 167

You deserved it 4 233

**** OFF, thanks

By please leave... - 13/02/2013 19:33 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 198

You deserved it 6 384

By jacey chreyest - 14/02/2014 21:57 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 844

You deserved it 5 022

Sick burn

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home while I was making a snack in the kitchen. We started making out and he lifted me up and sat my ass on the hot stove. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 515

You deserved it 8 203

Parenting fail

By Anonymous - 21/01/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 555

Poor little guy

By anonymous - 16/09/2022 02:30 - United States - Maryville

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 140

By tsukinoie - 02/02/2014 06:33 - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 655

You deserved it 6 880

Symphonic

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 22:46 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked, "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 844

You deserved it 4 924

My alarm

By Anonymous - 20/02/2020 14:00

Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex like apes, and couldn't get back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 060

You deserved it 250

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 15:11 - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 48 784

You deserved it 5 418

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The Top

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 537

You deserved it 4 683

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. Five seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the Hacky Sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 086

You deserved it 31 069

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 789

Today, I finally sought help for my alcoholism. They told me they wouldn't help me until I'd stopped drinking. Um... what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 276

You deserved it 400

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 109

You deserved it 239

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 362

You deserved it 303