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So I wouldn't talk and the audience wouldn't hear me. And I didn't make any awkward sounds in the restroom either. All of a sudden the audience just heard a huge "FLUSH!!!!"Which is why the sound guys didnt have time to turn off the mic. And they apologized to me afterwards, but it was embarrassing. Now it's funny.

By damn - 09/04/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 513

You deserved it 8 045

By Anonymous - 05/06/2011 20:45 - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss when I accidentally let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 420

You deserved it 46 383

By peaaaak - 03/06/2011 10:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 255

You deserved it 5 057

Relatable

By yuupper - 19/05/2021 10:59

Today, I realized that I could have slept all day yesterday and it would've changed nothing. I don't talk to anyone and I don't do anything. My presence or lack of presence in this world means nothing and affects nobody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 269

Get a grip

By Hopelesshomeless - 12/03/2013 18:35 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 236

You deserved it 2 931

Tokophobics unite!

By izzie - 21/05/2021 14:01

Today, despite a condom, an IUD, and my boyfriend getting a vasectomy, I still managed to get pregnant. It was my first and only time having sex and I don’t want kids, ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 665

You deserved it 404

Common myth

By Anonymous - 01/04/2014 06:06 - United States - Eugene

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 856

You deserved it 7 975

By starfishedasshole - 30/03/2014 16:50 - United States

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 110

You deserved it 4 352

Niiiiiice!

By cameltoeyourface - 26/07/2010 00:42 - United States

Today, I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. He's infatuated with them. He claims they make my ass look nice. I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 048

You deserved it 10 437

Confused

By IDIOT - 28/03/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 679

You deserved it 3 283

By defrauded - 08/03/2013 18:44 - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 838

You deserved it 3 071

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 15:44 - Romania

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 894

You deserved it 9 162

By desperate - 26/09/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 055

You deserved it 52 250

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 22:00

Today, I was mauled by my own dog. I own a Chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 996

You deserved it 1 278

By MandMandM - 19/07/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I told him, he impatiently said, "Is it over yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 611

You deserved it 6 180

By lemonhead - 23/05/2011 01:58

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 938

You deserved it 47 503

Poor old Raymond…

By LJ. - 13/03/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 483

You deserved it 4 309

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 16:14 - United States

Today, my mom tried to convince my dad that I was a lesbian. Why? Because she was bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 701

You deserved it 3 886

Romance is dead

By Anonymous - 08/06/2021 10:59

Today, my husband seems to think sex once a month is adequate, and that it’s acceptable to nap on the sofa once he gets home from work, wake up for dinner, then go straight to bed. I also can’t speak to him while he’s eating, because he’s watching tv. I thought I had a husband, not a roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 229

By peanuts - 03/07/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 201

You deserved it 36 166

Vyagrha

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 13:59

Today, I finally finished a drawing of a tiger. The only thing left to do is write the word "Tiger" in Sanskrit and glitter on the portrait, because I thought it would look cool. Only to find out, the Sanskrit word for tiger is "Viagra." No, I'm not kidding. This portrait took me numerous tries and several weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 400

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Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 611

You deserved it 3 217

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 472

You deserved it 46 576

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 191

You deserved it 8 306

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 003

You deserved it 1 411

Today, I learned the hard way that my girlfriend’s young daughter sleepwalks. I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, only to be greeted in the dimly lit hallway by her creepy silhouette. I yelped like a bitch and dropped the glass on my foot, breaking two toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 364

Today, I found out that the shampoo I’ve been using has yogurt in, following a prank my boyfriend did. Turns out he forgot about it and I’ve been using it for 5 days now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 132