The Top

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It's a conspiracy!

By Pox - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got chickenpox. I'm 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn't going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Adults don't get chickenpox." He then fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 020

You deserved it 3 096

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 20:02

Today, my job has a policy where you can only have two breaks if you work 7 hours or more. I've recently been assigned multiple strings of 6 hour 45 minute shifts. And no, I can't work 15 minutes of overtime so I can have the extra break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 204

Move it, now!

By Anonymous - 24/07/2020 05:01

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 134

By suppressinggags - 18/03/2016 19:45 - United States - Kennett

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 557

You deserved it 1 248

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 13:01 - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 168

You deserved it 11 235

By UHM - 06/10/2013 21:54 - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 315

You deserved it 4 021

This is going to get old pretty quick

By Mike Messenger - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 368

You deserved it 3 518

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 09:21 - United States

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 040

You deserved it 2 451

By Anonymous - 01/10/2018 15:30

Today, I learned that one should not sleep with their roommate's friends, especially the ones that never go home. I spent the whole weekend in my room just to avoid the awkwardness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 3 540

By Anonymous - 25/11/2011 03:51 - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 207

You deserved it 51 081

By Username - 25/01/2010 11:06 - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 182

You deserved it 10 335

Bit of an overreaction

By Anonymous - 03/02/2023 16:00

Today, my girlfriend firmly believes that wild Karens should be classed as vermin, as proven when we met a screaming Karen in Starbucks and my girlfriend jumped straight in there and kicked her ass until she stopped screaming. I'm now waiting to pick her up at the police station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 202

Doing it on the company dime

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 17:00

Today, at work, I hooked up with a gorgeous customer in a storage shed. Somehow all my coworkers knew within five minutes, so there’s that, but my direct manager now won’t even look at me because apparently he fancied me himself, but didn’t realise I was a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 599

You deserved it 1 709

Take the hint

By Anonymous - 05/12/2021 01:59

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 082

You deserved it 626

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 759

You deserved it 6 100

Hangover Struggles

By FML Videos - 01/10/2018 18:30

Living that derp life.

I agree, your life sucks 290

You deserved it 108

By ilovesocks - 20/01/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 005

You deserved it 6 463

The best of times, the worst of times

By ToTeachorNottoTeach - 03/09/2020 05:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm a teacher in the middle of a pandemic. Half my students haven't shown up to my class. The other half don't do any assignments. I keep my job based on how well my students do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 532

You deserved it 134

Denied

By Anonymous - 05/09/2020 02:02

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 003

You deserved it 391

WTF dude?

By lunarstrain - 08/11/2011 06:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 176

You deserved it 8 553

They made me do it

By Cat - 07/11/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 253

You deserved it 3 912

Appearance matters

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 23:00

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 432

By kewlio45 - 01/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 034

You deserved it 6 337

Undercover

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring because he was so good looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 622

You deserved it 4 801

Pull!

By buttpicker - 19/04/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 624

You deserved it 4 603

By @KillingerExp - 23/10/2018 20:10 - United States - New York

Today, I got high-fived in the face by a jellyfish. Twice. #FML @KillingerExp

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 260

By Fredgruff - 09/01/2010 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 502

You deserved it 6 829

By Anonymous - 29/01/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 304

You deserved it 1 590

Ripped off

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 20:02 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I rented a house for 5 years with my girlfriend, only to find out she is the actual owner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 588

You deserved it 265

By Anonymous - 14/09/2012 16:51 - United States

Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 195

You deserved it 2 399

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The Top

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 094

You deserved it 5 609

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 758

You deserved it 5 475

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to a "lack of experience." I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year-old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 420

You deserved it 3 675

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 137

You deserved it 14 383

Today, the cashier asked if I wanted to donate $1 to help hungry children. I said, “Not today, thank you.” The man behind me loudly said, “Wow…” Now everyone thinks I hate children. I'm just that broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 80

Today, I told my husband that I didn't feel like sex. He said, "Funny, I didn't feel like driving to the store for your milkshake earlier, or digging up the flowerbed, or deep cleaning your car, but I did all that to make you happy. Don't I deserve a little reciprocation?" Jesus Christ, I married an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 1 422