The Top

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Use the force

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 05:53 - Mexico

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 147

You deserved it 56 951

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 737

You deserved it 48 567

By anonymous - 14/06/2012 14:54 - China - Nanjing

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 222

You deserved it 4 758

By faitoh - 23/05/2013 22:00 - United Kingdom - Lisburn

Today, whilst driving past a cyclist, I thought it would be funny to make him jump by blasting my horn right behind him and then driving off. I guess he thought it would be funny to catch up with me, yank off my wing-mirror, and hurl it through the open window at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 716

You deserved it 117 352

faitoh tells us more.

faitoh 10

Monday 27 May 2013 23:47

Um, OP here. Scared to reply because of the abuse I've been getting but obviously I deserved it, I know that. 1. I guess I posted it as an FML because I realised how much of a dick/arsehole/****/wanker I'd been... 2. The guy wasn't cycling to the side like he should have been, he was more out to the middle. I just lost my cool to be honest, if he doesn't care about his safety by doing that, why should I bother about not making him jump? (unpopular opinion obviously...) 3. I should probably point out that this was a quiet road, I was the only car, otherwise I wouldn't have done it, which may be surprising to some of you... 4. He caught up to me because I slowed back down to normal speed after about 30 seconds. Guess he was stronger than I thought. 5. I KNOW I'm a colossal twat. But I still hate cyclists. Some of them are SO up their own arses. Having said that, I WILL NEVER EVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN.

By Anonymous - 27/06/2019 16:34

Today, my 7-year-old learned "Smoke Weed Everyday" from YouTube, and has repeated it so many times that I'm now singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 461

By officework - 24/09/2015 19:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, during the "What can your manager do to help with your career aspirations?" section of my annual review, my manager basically told me she wouldn't help me and I should quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 514

You deserved it 1 666

Love and hate

By bad mom? lol - 22/04/2022 06:00

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. They found her on the roof, threatening to kill herself. I had to pretend to sound scared and sad over the phone, but in reality, the only emotion I could feel was extreme joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 268

You deserved it 1 853

Thanks, I hate it!

By thanks for reminding me - 18/08/2023 10:00 - United States

Today, I was reduced to a blubbering mess at my baby shower. My mom bought tons of clothes, bibs, etc. Sounds nice right? Well, they all had sayings like "Daddy’s Little Princess" and "Daddy’s Girl." She knows full well my fiancé quit his job, changed his number, and disappeared without a trace 3 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 21:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 743

You deserved it 3 186

By anon - 18/07/2019 14:00

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 073

You deserved it 323

By anonymous - 08/09/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 502

You deserved it 2 046

By Jacquelinez - 20/05/2012 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 102

You deserved it 3 113

By Allie - 29/10/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 173

You deserved it 2 821

Kids…

By Satan'sChildren - 28/04/2013 02:30 - United States - Oak Creek

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 648

You deserved it 3 272

By Anonymous - 11/07/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I got a text message from my ex from about a year ago, asking if my 4-day-old son was his. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he thinks a gestation period can last 11 months, or that he's more willing to step up to the plate than the baby's actual father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 903

You deserved it 9 467

By 504-A1 - 11/05/2012 22:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 581

You deserved it 10 443

By Jack - 08/07/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 776

You deserved it 5 197

Shy boy

By Oops - 24/10/2009 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 066

You deserved it 6 848

By lon01t - 07/05/2012 20:43 - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 329

You deserved it 2 653

By crudofalife - 04/07/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 543

You deserved it 3 874

By nothing - 08/04/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 902

You deserved it 63 775

By Powerfool - 07/04/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186 313

You deserved it 10 744

By girlshavepenises - 28/06/2011 06:39 - New Zealand

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 417

You deserved it 4 282

Cooked

By That Person - 14/09/2016 00:11 - Australia - Coolbellup

Today, I missed out on my first cooking lesson because I was an hour late. I cannot go to the rest of them because if you don't attend the first class then you are not allowed to attend the rest. I just spent $70 on a cooking course that I won't be able to attend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 282

You deserved it 12 177

By Anonymous - 14/05/2014 20:43 - United States - Irmo

Today, I'm moving. While packing, I realized I hadn't seen my cat in a few hours. I called her and realized she was inside one of the hundreds of boxes in my house. I accidentally packed my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 351

You deserved it 17 401

Get back to work

By notbrowsingnow - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status, saying, "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 015

You deserved it 52 457

By oface13 - 16/04/2012 08:12 - United States

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 380

You deserved it 5 977

By Gage - 27/10/2017 15:00

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 071

You deserved it 333

Officer McGiggles

By ACAB - 16/09/2019 20:00 - Australia

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 541

You deserved it 253

Thanks for the help

By PineapplePizza - 15/08/2016 07:41 - United States - Irwin

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 880

You deserved it 1 406

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 891

You deserved it 1 336

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 546

You deserved it 4 304

Today, my best friend, who I've been in love with for nearly a decade, asked me to help him set up an online dating profile. During our 4-hour conversation, as he waded through the profiles, he complained that it was impossible for him to find a girl to have a meaningful conversation with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 302

You deserved it 6 703

Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achilles heel problem. I was dreaming I was running down stairs, then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 598

You deserved it 202

Today, I went out to eat with my friends. When the bill came, all three of them had "inconveniently" forgot their wallets at home. I ended up having to pay. It was a $178 check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 139

Today, I realised I'm tired of the bossy attitude exuded by the woman who I once believed was my soulmate. Tonight might just be the last night we'd sleep on same bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 214