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Responsible

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my son's third grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my fifth story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 753

You deserved it 15 847

By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 994

You deserved it 57 431

By Not a programmer yet - 01/09/2015 15:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer for our department. I had the idea for the position when we went over my 3-year career path last month, but it wasn't approved. I now get to look over résumés from other people applying for my dream job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 753

You deserved it 1 614

Differences

By Anonymous - 17/06/2014 15:28 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I almost got written up for insubordination by my boss. All I did was explain to him that I couldn't help a tourist out because I speak Japanese, not Korean, and that it's not in fact "the same Asian shit" as he seemed to think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 834

You deserved it 3 329

By salope - 26/08/2015 08:33 - France - Paris

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 811

You deserved it 4 228

Hi guys!

By Anonymous - 06/08/2019 02:00

Today, I stubbed my toe, and as I was hopping about clutching my toe and swearing like a drunken sailor, I turned and saw my boss, our CEO and pretty much the entire board of directors through the boardroom's open door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 527

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 05:51 - United States - Waco

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 1 666

By Stan017 - 17/08/2017 03:45 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, on my second week in my new job, I opened my desk drawer of snacks. Apparently no one had bothered to tell me that there's an office rat or mouse that the building management refuses to do anything about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 358

You deserved it 502

By Flip - 02/05/2012 05:06 - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 819

You deserved it 58 564

Nice, thanks!

By somnolence - 17/09/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 400

You deserved it 1 996

By That escalated quickly. - 28/08/2017 20:00

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner has decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 975

You deserved it 345

Classy

By bkay26 - 29/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 840

You deserved it 7 668

Not feeling it

By Irritated - 12/09/2016 15:29 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 849

You deserved it 898

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 213

By Pugsley - 30/08/2019 14:02 - Australia

Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 244

You deserved it 366

By inseriouspain - 22/08/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, I popped a zit and I went to put my acne medicine on it. It's in a clear bottle with a blue cap, just like the nearby nailpolish remover. I grabbed the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 484

You deserved it 14 588

Restrictions

By TheHam - 05/09/2019 18:00 - Sweden

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 446

You deserved it 642

Rhythm method

By booty backfire - 01/05/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 012

You deserved it 7 754

By raquelcita - 26/08/2016 06:05 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I went to my boss with concerns that my manager is dumping her responsibilities on me. He agreed and told me to just do whatever she wants. She gets paid twice as much as me to talk on her cellphone all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 696

You deserved it 1 033

By rescuetheduck - 10/04/2012 19:26 - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 972

You deserved it 7 286

By Anonymous - 12/06/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 718

You deserved it 3 356

Booming economy!

By ThatGuy24 - 26/09/2019 22:00

Today, it's my birthday and it would be a great day if me and my wife weren’t literally too poor to celebrate it. To make it even better, she won’t have birthday sex with me, because we live with her mom and she’s afraid of her hearing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 428

At least they're reading them…

By Typidiot - 25/10/2017 01:37

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 757

You deserved it 2 700

This Is Us

By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 167

Strange Diet

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 18:00

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 208

By Anonymous - 23/02/2013 06:28 - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 587

You deserved it 3 456

Sex ed is ******

By danmarino - 09/03/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to Google it when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 842

You deserved it 83 926

Simple Pleasures

By boredwithnothingtodo - 29/10/2019 06:07 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 354

You deserved it 319

Great to know

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disneyland toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 578

You deserved it 4 204

The straights are at it again

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 12:01 - United States

Today, I went on a Grindr date with a really cute guy. I thought things went really well. When he dropped me off at home, he told me not to text him anymore because his wife might get mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 025

You deserved it 314

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 642

You deserved it 3 090

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 421

You deserved it 92 842

Today, I got my very first tattoo. Excited, I sent a picture to my best friend. Her response? "You're joking, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 520

You deserved it 4 499

Today, I spilled a bottle of honey on the floor while preparing breakfast. As I frantically tried to clean it up, my cat deemed it the perfect opportunity to slide and pad through the sticky mess like a slip-n-slide. Now, I have a honey-coated cat, a ruined floor, and a sticky mess to clean up before my roommates get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 122

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 556

You deserved it 2 337

Today, I woke up and called my boyfriend. We had amazing phone sex, even better because no one was home and we didn't have to be quiet. Afterwards, I walk out into the kitchen. My mum hadn't gone to work that morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 028

You deserved it 57 637