The Top

All is well that ends well. Of course I chose to save the kid! Seriously! First I got my grand-son off the table, then I caught the rabbit on time, then I told the kids they could not do what they had done. When the parents returned, they told me this happens all the time. As there is a huge dog in the neighbours' yard, I don't think the rabbit will last long if they are not more careful.

End of the road

By Anonymous - 31/03/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, my wife of 21 years fell asleep while we were about to have sex for the eighth time this month. Turns out she can't and won't have sex with me because she has hickies all over her tits and she'd consider it cheating on her new boyfriend, who she just met. I tried to jack off but she fell asleep on my penis, and that was that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 614

You deserved it 453

By f.m. - 23/07/2018 16:00

Today, I took my driving test. I was nervous, but I thought I followed the rules of the road pretty well. My tester ended up failing me for "backing out too slowly". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 278

You deserved it 310

Respect

By it’s still cheating! - 05/09/2021 20:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my wife, who’s been a stay at home mom since our kids were born, hasn’t really been out looking for a day job since they’re old enough to be in school full time now. She has however been day-drinking and hooking up with the neighbor's wife. She insists she’s not gay, just experimenting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 861

You deserved it 219

Lock your doors

By jerrid - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 272

You deserved it 7 826

By Anonymous - 25/04/2016 20:37 - Canada - Montréal

Today, I crawled under a table to plug in a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug in a f***ing lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 197

You deserved it 4 698

Everybody want to drool the world

By slapstick1982 - 10/09/2021 08:01

Today, I was having sex with my wife, doggy-style. She then got mad at me for coming on her back. I didn’t have the balls to tell her that was drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 461

You deserved it 1 238

What's in a name?

By charlatan - 19/08/2018 01:30

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 000

You deserved it 234

All in a day's work!

By Joshtodon - 21/08/2018 22:00

Today, I was unloading tile boxes out of my pickup truck into this lady's garage. As I grabbed the last 50-pound box, a passing bird shat on my forehead. Green ooze ran down my whole face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 823

You deserved it 172

By Disney - 18/02/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 266

You deserved it 8 490

By Betrayed - 31/07/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 266

You deserved it 4 021

By Lovenem - 16/02/2011 17:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties." We've been having sex every day for the last six days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 393

You deserved it 7 122

By Anonymous - 23/03/2016 14:36 - United States - Arlington

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 820

You deserved it 2 853

By sodapants - 22/03/2016 20:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a man came by with a large drink and sat next to me in the bus terminal. In all his wisdom, he tried setting it between the seats. Naturally, it spilled all over me. I now have to sit with a soaked pair of pants and a wet carry on from Nashville to Atlanta. The bus trip is 5 hours long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 091

You deserved it 1 201

By Nola - 13/09/2018 22:00

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 325

You deserved it 1 809

By 2fast4U - 21/03/2016 10:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 497

You deserved it 1 659

By Andrew - 30/10/2012 06:08 - United States - Monroe

Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 939

You deserved it 46 567

Lies

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of Santa is to a coworker, and how every parent should tell their kids the truthLies. The intercom microphone was on. I single-handedly told a group of 100 six year-olds that Santa isn't real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 771

You deserved it 72 851

By all arsed out - 06/03/2016 16:50 - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 669

You deserved it 1 567

By Ben - 25/01/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 304

You deserved it 47 753

Relationship goals

By failhusband - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "Nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 302

You deserved it 73 510

By ___Ruby_____ - 08/10/2018 12:00

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 565

You deserved it 393

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 454

You deserved it 4 632

By Needamap - 25/02/2016 22:20 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I walked to an interview on my college campus. I got there early. The place was empty. I assumed I wrote the date wrong. Several hours later, a friend who also was interviewed asked me how my interview went. The date, time and location were all right. I don't know how I got lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 040

You deserved it 3 755

Needamap tells us more.

Needamap 5

Tuesday 1 March 2016 23:05

OP here! I agree with you #5, I was probably at the wrong location if no one was already there. However, the guy wrote down the address the day before, and I walked to that address to the best of my ability. I should never have left so soon after I realized that I was in the wrong area. I assumed that I knew the building well enough, so I only arrived five minutes early. All of my previous interviews have gone smoothly, so I had no reason to believe that this time I would mistakenly stumble into an alternate universe. #15, thank you for not judging me too harshly. Although the interviewer was kind enough to suggest that we reschedule, he hasn't followed up with me in a few days. Missing my interview was my fault; I should have been better prepared. Luckily I have some other options, so not all hope is lost. As for my friend, he is a classmate in a later class. We've never exchanged numbers. It was mere coincidence we both had interviews.

By CodeJunky - 17/02/2016 02:15 - United States

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 643

You deserved it 4 934