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Thanks for the suggestions

By catty_13 - 26/09/2017 13:00

Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I've received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman, as it's the best way to improve the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 443

You deserved it 271

By Felinefine - 15/08/2016 19:33 - United Kingdom - South Petherton

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 917

You deserved it 2 522

By Singleforever - 08/08/2016 12:40 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 149

You deserved it 1 230

By it's sharty time :/ - 02/07/2016 18:45 - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 536

You deserved it 1 781

Fellas, is it gay to drink Mountain Dew?

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, I was lying in bed when my sister came home. She had a Mountain Dew, so of course I asked for some. She then told me she just sucked dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 457

By Tigerninjagoalie - 20/06/2016 23:13 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 686

You deserved it 1 048

By mild banana - 16/06/2016 16:55 - United States - Cedar Hill

Today, I was kicking my soccer ball with my father. My mom pulled out in the car without checking and ran into to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 990

You deserved it 1 241

By Anonymous - 09/03/2018 01:30 - Australia

Today, my crush asked to speak with me in private. He took me to a secluded area and asked if my best friend was interested in him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 736

You deserved it 316

Check your head

By Anonymous - 21/03/2020 21:00

Today, while watching a movie on my iPad, a really cute girl sat next to me. Suddenly, everyone on the bus started clapping. I started to clap very loudly as well, asking the girl why we were clapping. She gave me a strange look. I then realized the applause was coming from my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 2 297

Snared

By drummerboy - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 865

You deserved it 2 245

Crazy best friend

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 766

You deserved it 759

This is the rhythm of the night

By rikitsumiatsu - 10/04/2020 02:00

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 2 304

By ouch - 29/03/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 699

You deserved it 16 864

By FuckingDone - 20/05/2016 23:08 - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 171

You deserved it 1 113

Happy nothing, then

By amy - 30/06/2018 19:00

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 663

You deserved it 372

The geyser

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 149

You deserved it 417

By Pupluv183 - 02/05/2016 16:43 - United States - Newport

Today, my now fully vaccinated puppy went to a restaurant for the first time. They allow clean, well-behaved dogs. He threw up everywhere from excitement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 590

You deserved it 2 575

Pupluv183 tells us more.

Pupluv183 4

Tuesday 3 May 2016 22:15

OP here. The restaurant allows dogs, saying its illegal when it's obviously not makes no sense. He is 5 months, more than a week after the vaccination. No way was he going anywhere the day of. He goes on walks in public (touristy) areas and has met many people and dogs. He had never thrown up before so that's why it was so surprising. He has been fine since so we just have to chalk it up to excitement. He was very well behaved but very upset that none of the food going by was for him. And no we absolutely can not leave him alone while we go out. He is like a toddler, I go pee and he has gotten into something, if there is nothing to get into he chews on furniture, if there's no furniture he chews himself and barks until he gets tired. We definitely want him social and coming out with us over all that.

By Anonymous - 23/04/2016 03:26 - United States

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 877

You deserved it 1 699

Fight Club Penguin

By mama bear - 05/06/2020 20:00

Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 087

You deserved it 231

By y00na - 17/08/2018 23:30

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 193

You deserved it 1 190

You must conform

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls, and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 566

You deserved it 1 710

I need it

By Anonymous - 07/07/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 406

By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - 30/03/2016 05:24 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 137

You deserved it 2 361

By Anonymous - 13/09/2018 06:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I was cleaning out my little sister's bedroom as she moved out and left a huge mess. I found her wearable vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 310

Priorities

By Anonymous - 20/03/2016 15:58 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 023

You deserved it 1 879

By b5b0n36 - 06/03/2016 02:38 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 428

You deserved it 7 429

b5b0n36 tells us more.

b5b0n36 27

Monday 7 March 2016 1:35

hey, OP here. thanks for the suggestion! I will look into it cause chilli powder was a horrible disaster hahaha

Go for it, Susan!

By NotHungryAnymore - 01/03/2016 15:46 - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 840

You deserved it 1 370

By stillloveherthough - 26/02/2016 17:54 - Germany - Aachen

Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 366

You deserved it 2 037

By FuglyBetty - 24/02/2016 22:48 - Norway - Arendal

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 089

You deserved it 1 732

How could you?

By Harry641 - 23/02/2016 22:53 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 392

You deserved it 1 516

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The Top

The Top

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 779

You deserved it 54 398

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 768

You deserved it 45 230

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 354

You deserved it 2 684

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 085

You deserved it 4 582

Today, my rabidly pro-life friend has been touting off about, “My body, my choice” because of the proposed vaccine mandates. When I reminded her that she’s always been against women making choices about their bodies, she screamed I was a murdering, commie bitch. Thanks, friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 380

Today, I had to endure an awful taxi ride. He got me to my destination perfectly and on time, but spewed a racist rant about how, "all Indians are scammers" and how, "the Chinese should get out" the entire time. Then the taxi app had the audacity to ask for a rating. 5 stars? I don't think so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 229