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Sliced and diced

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 08:01

Spicy

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 299

You deserved it 241

By Anonymous - 19/02/2016 18:26 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 209

You deserved it 3 335

Sexy talk

By Anonymous - 09/01/2010 03:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 878

You deserved it 6 017

Company policy

By IDPlease - 07/12/2018 03:00

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year-old man and his 40 year-old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 979

You deserved it 190

By Lisa - 11/12/2018 03:00 - Romania

Spicy

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 958

You deserved it 1 449

By Unlucky - 19/12/2018 03:00 - United Kingdom - Bagworth

Spicy

Today, I found out my ex gave me an STI. Today I also found out I'm allergic to the medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 086

You deserved it 549

The customer is always right

By peachass - 29/12/2015 04:59 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 005

You deserved it 1 303

Who dis? New phone

By Sexting - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's phone was stolen. I have no idea who I've been sexting the entire afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 776

You deserved it 9 381

Vibe check

By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat, "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 172

You deserved it 2 245

By Smirky - 12/02/2017 22:00 - India - Bangalore

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 675

You deserved it 1 732

By useless bosses - 26/02/2017 22:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, the people who gave me no training or instruction on how to do my job tried to fire me, because asking for clarification apparently means I'm incompetent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 627

You deserved it 422

By Maria - 14/03/2017 16:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 686

You deserved it 411

Talk to me baby

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 955

You deserved it 3 466

By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 458

You deserved it 2 260

By Geemeisters - 08/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 101

You deserved it 1 845

Jingle bells

By LonelyThisChristmas - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my stepmum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 685

You deserved it 807

By MedChew - 30/10/2015 17:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Spicy

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 148

You deserved it 5 124

By aprilfools22 - 17/08/2011 08:13 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 961

You deserved it 12 642

By anonymous - 13/08/2011 06:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 012

You deserved it 18 320

Indoctrination

By ZeroG57 - 04/05/2017 14:00

Today, my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement." Yup, it's a cult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 237

You deserved it 495

By Yudith - 04/06/2019 02:00

Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 195

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 13:20 - Spain

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 932

You deserved it 23 306

By fingerfuckd - 29/04/2009 15:47 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166 849

You deserved it 13 725

Vampire News

By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 364

You deserved it 576

By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 454

You deserved it 938

By Anonymous - 27/09/2015 12:21 - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 380

You deserved it 1 858

PTSD

By cougar26 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Pullman

Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 732

You deserved it 1 579

By kmtau - 09/11/2016 21:38 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 022

You deserved it 4 811

kmtau tells us more.

kmtau 14

Tuesday 15 November 2016 0:20

OP here. First of all, I'd like to let everyone know that I don't give a rat's ass about your opinion of septum piercings. That being said, I knew my grandma would not be happy about it but I did it anyway because I've wanted one for a long time. She did apologize shortly after saying this, and now she's gotten used to it! Yesterday when we were at a restaurant she reached over to fix it because it was crooked and has even shown me cute jewelry for it that she found online :)

Cats are Satan's Minions

By I don't trust them. - 02/07/2017 18:00

Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 215

You deserved it 1 008

Shy girl

By Anonymous - 13/07/2011 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 826

You deserved it 8 528

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The Top

The Top

Today, is my first day as a student nurse. It was also the first day I learnt I was allergic to latex gloves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 998

You deserved it 851

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 353

You deserved it 16 551

Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 136

You deserved it 19 785

Today, my study partner for my biology class didn't go to lecture. Not once has he gone to lecture. I went to almost every lecture. He got better grades than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 123

You deserved it 3 983

Today, my manager said it was my choice to have surgery on my arm and that I shouldn't complain, everyone goes through pain. She's right, but I was born with a birth defect in my wrist. The surgery was going to happen sooner or later, I didn't want to be born this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 87

Today, during a trivia night, I got overly confident after answering three questions correctly in a row. The final question asked for the capital of Australia, and I loudly whispered “Sydney” to my entire team like I was saving us. We lost by one point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60

You deserved it 395