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Mix up

By Jon - 07/06/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages, she said, "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said, "But it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 201

You deserved it 79 364

Messy

By Danielle Heichelbech - 15/11/2020 20:01

Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 735

You deserved it 320

By Wakachulak - 30/07/2013 05:55 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, a guy on the bus was nice enough to slide over so I could sit down. Right after, he said, "Fair warning though, I just farted there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 506

You deserved it 4 148

Wakachulak tells us more.

Wakachulak 22

Tuesday 30 July 2013 18:31

Funny thing, I logged in to do just that. I had to make the FML short, so some details were left out of course. The 'bus' was actually a company minibus taking people from the company parking lot to the office building and back. There is no room for standing. The distance between the parking and office is 20 min on foot btw. Yes, I measured that. Yes, the guy did take the aisle seat and then scooted over when I got on. It's just a courtesy between colleagues. Honestly, I don't know how it smelled. My sense of smell is so dull, only the most vile blasts register with me. For all I know, he could of just been pulling my leg, in which case he had the misfortune of picking on the one guy that would of reacted to that prank with nothing but a deadpan "Thanks". Oh well, **** his life :)

By Confused - 22/08/2012 16:33 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 853

You deserved it 4 440

Nice try old man

By Chris - 23/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 376

You deserved it 2 256

By RainbowSuck - 07/02/2017 22:00 - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 235

You deserved it 720

By Dumped - 22/12/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 153

You deserved it 11 692

By Anonymous - 19/08/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom - Kent

Today, after years of bad blood, my husband decided to invite his parents to dinner. After making rude remarks about my pregnancy, his dad eventually muttered that I'm a slut. My husband punched him, his wife called the police, and now I'm all alone while he sits in a jail cell for battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 658

You deserved it 2 017

By thewrittenrebel - 28/10/2014 07:40 - South Africa - Bellville

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 387

You deserved it 5 899

Is this part of the test?

By Samantha - 16/08/2012 22:36 - United States - Holt

Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 017

You deserved it 2 027

Well received

By egghead - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 613

You deserved it 3 315

What up big pimps?

By Anonymous - 05/05/2023 12:00

Today, I just got done being yelled at by my son's headteacher and a bunch of parents, all because my 6 year-old son has been arranging kiss dates between his classmates in exchange for sweets and so on. My little pimp in training. Not a proud dad moment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 208

By yus - 21/10/2014 19:46 - United States - Orange

Today, I got drug tested for the second time this week. It's Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 699

You deserved it 5 072

yus_fml tells us more.

yus_fml 17

Wednesday 22 October 2014 3:24

Hey, author here! So basically, I'm in high school and the school I go to does drug tests to all of the students and it is completely random. Some people are tested multiple times, other people are never tested. It is basically whatever the computer says. So no, It was not because I failed it the first time or because I was suspected of doing drugs.

By fluke - 19/09/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I tried to stop a teenage boy from entering the woman's bathroom. When he argued with me I had him thrown out. Turns out, according to their parents and driver's license, it was a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 841

You deserved it 46 028

By bluehairedfreakgirl - 01/06/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk and heard a little girl ask her dad why I had blue hair. He said, "Sometimes drugs will make people do stupid things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 531

You deserved it 38 745

Boom boom

By Anonymous - 19/02/2017 00:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after having to call in a noise complaint about my downstairs neighbors talking loud past midnight, the managers fixed the problem. Now all I can hear is two little girls who like to throw a basketball at the building for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 246

You deserved it 959

A bit lax

By shitty situation - 02/10/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, I shit my pants. I don’t even remember trusting a fart. As in, it literally just fell out of my ass. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 110

Thanks

By yeahhhhhommmie - 18/09/2011 09:20 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man came up to me and said, "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 063

You deserved it 3 521

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 06:44

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 497

You deserved it 27 298

By epiiphany - 16/12/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 052

You deserved it 5 351

Go broke, go woke

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 750

You deserved it 8 553

Good boy

By Anonymous - 05/10/2024 16:00 - United States - Myrtle Beach

Today, I bought a fancy automatic ball launcher for my dog. When I demonstrated it, my dog watched the ball fly through the air, then charged at the launcher instead, thinking it was the toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 16/07/2013 00:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 863

You deserved it 4 898

By epiclollipop - 12/10/2014 12:52 - United States - Charlotte

Today, while waiting for a plane, a man in a wheelchair was struggling to get to baggage, so I helped him. I did so without realising that I passed through the "No Entry" gate. What did I forget? My phone, my ID, and my boarding pass. What do you need to get back to the plane? All of those. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 833

You deserved it 6 167

epiclollipop tells us more.

epiclollipop 8

Monday 13 October 2014 13:53

Just an extra bit of info: I was with my parents at the airport, so I did make it back... after 45 minutes of going through security and announcing that I was an idiot on the intercom so my dad could save me.