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By sandi519 - 13/03/2012 03:10 - United States

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 659

You deserved it 4 087

By Amanda - 11/08/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 190

You deserved it 46 556

By Jack - 30/11/2013 08:31 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Spicy

Today, I realized my girlfriend has been "on her period" for almost two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 509

You deserved it 12 105

By automaticfail_00 - 17/06/2009 23:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 143

You deserved it 5 078

By Kevin - 09/09/2011 12:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 207

You deserved it 42 962

By ewewew - 24/09/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 463

You deserved it 4 834

By oh hey there - 20/04/2011 09:27

Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 211

You deserved it 38 913

Caught

By fuck - 09/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Spicy

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 478

You deserved it 5 286

By espylone - 17/12/2011 15:42 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 159

You deserved it 6 499

No smoke, no fire

By justme - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was about to take a dump when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 069

You deserved it 5 295

By single lady - 15/08/2011 14:45 - United States

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 381

You deserved it 3 731

By artmfanforever - 22/09/2010 20:39 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 344

You deserved it 25 784

Kids grow up so fast

By bella - 08/12/2013 01:07 - United States - Edinburg

Spicy

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them, telling them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed because I "haven't gotten laid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 289

You deserved it 5 150

By mike4444 - 12/02/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 660

You deserved it 30 494

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 982

You deserved it 50 639

By littledipper - 25/09/2013 03:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 052

You deserved it 4 660

By R_U_CEREAL - 04/07/2009 08:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 138

You deserved it 13 738

By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 142

You deserved it 7 207

By Nixontones - 14/10/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 080

You deserved it 2 524

By soisblueballsdickhead - 26/10/2014 14:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 091

You deserved it 9 726

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 01:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 50

By Meow - 11/07/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 303

You deserved it 4 895

By notthebesttime - 13/10/2012 12:04

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He decided that the best time would be while I was giving him a blowjob. He then seemed confused as to why I didn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 863

You deserved it 3 738

By BigBallah93 - 07/07/2009 12:20 - China

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 871

You deserved it 78 850

By Anonymous - 26/08/2011 23:06 - United States

Today, the workplace evacuation bell sounded. Out of panic after the recent earthquake, I ran down 21 flights of stairs, only to find out it was a false alarm. My legs are on fire, and I can barely walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 367

You deserved it 22 737

Spotted

By Taylor D - 07/08/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes, "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it this much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 225

You deserved it 4 516

By facepalm - 06/06/2012 08:06 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my mother is trying to convince me to divorce my husband. He has a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder and she believes this means he kills people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 132

You deserved it 3 066

Weird flex, but OK

By incestastic - 14/08/2010 23:23 - Canada

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently, my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she's embarrassed of my real brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 506

You deserved it 3 070

By meetrasan - 18/03/2013 00:01

Today, four days after our fridge-freezer broke down, my husband staggered home with three bags of ham. He drunkenly bought it with most of what little money we have, so now not only is our food budget gone, we also have a metric cunt-load of ham, and nowhere to store it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 536

You deserved it 4 442

meetrasan tells us more.

meetrasan 1

Monday 18 March 2013 3:00

I'm OP. My husband couldn't hold his liquor over a few beers if his **** and balls depended on it. It's been a topic of arguments for a while already and this is the final straw. But it's kind of a funny situation if you think about it, that's why I posted it. To any stupid people that are going to ask how can he afford to go out drinking, read my other comment. And I KNOW someone's going to ask how could I afford a computer or a phone to post this, and my answer is: I don't buy a new computer or phone every day, shit head. I could sell my computer, but you try going without easy internet access in this day and age. We'll survive.

By bumblebee - 13/03/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 757

You deserved it 9 671

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Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 804

You deserved it 39 446

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 340

You deserved it 60 956

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 986

You deserved it 13 850

Today, a friend and I attempted to jump the 7-foot high fence around his gated community because he'd left his keys. He made it. I didn’t. My shorts caught on the top of the fence, so I was forced to dangle there on a busy street until my Dad came and helped. But only after taking a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 072

You deserved it 34 617

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 722

You deserved it 4 233

Today, I was looking for flower seeds on the internet, wanting the same pretty flowers that my mom has. My mom, who lives next door, and whose pretty flowers grow seeds that I could just have picked and planted. It seems a high IQ does not prevent you from simply being stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 791