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By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 22:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 464

You deserved it 5 065

Trial and mainly error

By unlucky - 13/11/2011 05:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 690

You deserved it 4 543

Good news

By poormom - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I told to my son that I'm pregnant. After I'd told him, he looked up and yelled, "Fuck this shit!" and walked out of the room. My son is nine years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 446

You deserved it 29 146

Jogging is dangerous

By jumpedjogger - 14/09/2011 08:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 712

You deserved it 3 787

Reasonable

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 184

You deserved it 4 408

By single lady - 15/08/2011 14:45 - United States

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 382

You deserved it 3 733

By daddyslittlegirl250 - 05/05/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 064

You deserved it 84 136

By artmfanforever - 22/09/2010 20:39 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 345

You deserved it 25 786

By ewewew - 24/09/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 469

You deserved it 4 834

By oh hey there - 20/04/2011 09:27

Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 211

You deserved it 38 915

Caught

By fuck - 09/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Spicy

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 483

You deserved it 5 287

By espylone - 17/12/2011 15:42 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 161

You deserved it 6 500

No smoke, no fire

By justme - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was about to take a dump when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 073

You deserved it 5 297

Meet the parents

By aj513 - 29/11/2015 01:20 - United States - New Bedford

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parents' bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 143

You deserved it 30 601

Kids grow up so fast

By bella - 08/12/2013 01:07 - United States - Edinburg

Spicy

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them, telling them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed because I "haven't gotten laid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 292

You deserved it 5 152

By mike4444 - 12/02/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 660

You deserved it 30 495

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 983

You deserved it 50 646

By littledipper - 25/09/2013 03:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 061

You deserved it 4 660

By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 144

You deserved it 7 210

By Nixontones - 14/10/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 083

You deserved it 2 524

By soisblueballsdickhead - 26/10/2014 14:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 096

You deserved it 9 727

By Nick - 29/06/2012 21:39 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 301

You deserved it 6 736

By roachblend - 12/09/2010 08:00 - Taiwan

Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 699

You deserved it 4 150

Spooky

By BadgerSpirit - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 007

You deserved it 44 235

First impressions

By I think its dead - 15/01/2013 07:33 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 974

You deserved it 41 480

By Alex White - 02/05/2016 16:50 - Canada - Westerose

Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 4 769

By PapaW - 01/11/2013 07:01 - United States - Lehi

Spicy

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 584

You deserved it 7 122

By deviable - 09/11/2011 17:32 - Canada

Today, my dad was putting seasoning salt into his mashed potatoes, when the lid came off and poured a ton of salt into the pot. My parents hate wasting food, so we still had to eat it. I think my taste buds are broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 345

You deserved it 2 892

deviable tells us more.

deviable 9

Wednesday 9 November 2011 23:59

My dad is very sensitive about his cooking. If I'd refused he would have made my life harder for the next few days. I said I liked someone's steak a little better than his, and it was a year before he cooked another steak. We generally try not to hurt his feelings.

You're so cool

By TacoFail - 02/01/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, I went through the Taco Bell drive through. The lady at the window handed me my food and receipt. In a moment of insanity, I threw the receipt at the cashier and yelled, "WOOHOO!" I attempted to burn rubber and get the hell out of dodge, only to remember my car was in park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 003

You deserved it 60 770

Feelings

By Anonymous - 29/07/2013 00:46 - United States - Beaumont

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 666

You deserved it 9 812

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Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 073

You deserved it 3 393

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 855

You deserved it 3 765

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 976

You deserved it 8 927

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 257

You deserved it 5 556

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 308

Today, I had to warn the decorator we hired to stop being inappropriate with my wife or I’d fire his ass. Turns out not only is he gay, like super gay with his husband on Facebook, he’s also my wife’s old college buddy. He started crying on our sofa and my wife hit me with her handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 1 759