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By Anonymous - 25/06/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 778

You deserved it 7 395

By blacksheep - 15/01/2017 16:00

Today, my 6 brothers and I (a girl) were finally finding out the sex of my mom's baby. It's going to be another boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 533

You deserved it 801

By 73012211 - 15/01/2016 20:21 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I accidentally broke an expensive glass display shelf at work. My coworker joked, "Ooh, that's gonna come out of your paycheck!" My boss thought that was a great idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 456

You deserved it 3 028

73012211 tells us more.

73012211 17

Sunday 17 January 2016 0:07

Hey guys! OP here. Here's a follow up and a clarification. It was a single sheet of glass, about four feet long, and it fell as we were moving things around, breaking when it hit the floor. The glass shelves cost the store $200-$400 each, and we're always being reminded to be careful because they are so expensive. I was being careful, but the heavy shelf slipped in through my hands and the corner of the shelf hit the floor just right that it shattered. My boss is kind of a jerk, with a weird sense of humor. My coworker was teasing me, and my boss thought it would be funny to play along and pretend he was going to charge me for it. I posted this a little bit after it happened, before I talked to my boss, and I was pretty embarrassed, since I'm always so careful. The end of the story is that I will not have to pay for the shelf (we have tons of extras in the back, we won't miss one). Thanks for the support, everyone!

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 02:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 130

You deserved it 3 314

By has-evil-friends - 26/11/2009 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 734

You deserved it 3 632

By jeffnn - 24/12/2016 04:18 - United States - Melbourne

Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 295

You deserved it 1 001

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 06:45 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 778

You deserved it 1 818

Suspicious minds

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I thought it was going to be an intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 136

You deserved it 45 388

By ArtemisRwill - 14/07/2015 20:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after working a double shift, I got home to total pandemonium. My dogs had crapped all over the house, my kitchen was soaking wet, etc. My mother, who just moved in with me, was sitting on the couch, saying she had no idea what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 359

You deserved it 2 099

ArtemisRwill tells us more.

ArtemisRwill 22

Wednesday 15 July 2015 20:15

Hey. First off, my mom moved in with me because she lost her job and couldn't afford her apartment anymore. I live in a 3 bedroom house, so I was being nice and let her move in. She has no ailments. Second, my dogs have a door that is open into a dog run. I can't do a dog door because I have a Great Dane and a Bully Pit. I live about 5 minutes from work. I go home at lunch everyday. I couldn't yesterday because I was covering for 2 sick coworkers. Third, my dogs crapped all over the house because SOMEONE shut their door. And my kitchen was speaking wet (with water) because SOMEONE burned their lunch and instead of using the fire extinguisher, that went outside and grabbed the garden hose. After I had to clean everything up, BY MY SELF, my mom finally fessed up. I'm trying to get my sister to take her so that I and my dogs can live in peace again.

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 21:05 - United States

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 555

You deserved it 6 813

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 856

You deserved it 2 068

By Anonymous - 02/01/2015 22:46 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 189

You deserved it 2 576

By peteto818 - 18/12/2014 17:59 - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, my boyfriend jokingly said that if I didn't pass my exam, he wouldn't have sex with me for a month. I failed it, and now he thinks I did it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 993

You deserved it 5 408

Tight

By Helmet - 20/10/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy a new crash helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 116

You deserved it 9 026

By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 189

You deserved it 2 934

By Anonymous - 22/12/2015 09:26 - United States - Natick

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 250

You deserved it 8 440

Domestic bliss

By Emma - 08/12/2015 17:23 - United States

Today, I had to hide the entire drawer of kitchen knives under my bed just to keep my mother from stabbing her cheating boyfriend, and slashing his tires. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 322

You deserved it 1 584

By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - 10/11/2015 20:46 - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 111

You deserved it 1 662

Thanks, but no thanks

By chiraag87 - 06/11/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 508

You deserved it 2 225

By Anonymous - 04/09/2015 21:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 174

You deserved it 1 634

I'm right here

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 765

You deserved it 2 203

By soo - 02/07/2015 20:25

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 313

You deserved it 1 841

By koanroak - 22/06/2015 03:08 - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 778

You deserved it 2 380

Fingerlickin' good

By Anonymous - 13/07/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 263

You deserved it 1 769

By Malarky - 23/06/2016 19:10 - United States

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 280

You deserved it 1 246

Poor Raymond

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied, "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 097

You deserved it 2 666

By canadiansun - 26/02/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 226

You deserved it 4 064

Baked

By non-baker - 18/03/2015 02:12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 157

You deserved it 9 049

Dutch courage

By not a jesse pinkman joke - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Princeton

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 638

You deserved it 2 641

Great idea

By UnluckyLatina - 22/04/2016 03:30 - Canada - Montréal

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot when he screamed in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 679

You deserved it 12 332

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The Top

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 222

You deserved it 868

Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 102

You deserved it 1 937

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 204

You deserved it 3 484

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 880

You deserved it 8 754

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 580

Today, I was taking my driving test and everything was going perfectly. As I pulled back into the testing center, I smiled because I knew I'd passed. Then I got out of the car without pulling the handbrake. The examiner had to jump back in and hit the brakes before it rolled into an actual parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 435