The Top

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By elisimo - 24/01/2012 08:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 645

You deserved it 35 951

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 130

You deserved it 4 484

By Anonymous - 19/06/2019 00:04

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 562

You deserved it 253

Spiritual connection

By EmoToyBoy - 30/04/2020 14:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 284

You deserved it 460

Denial

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 20:00

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 343

No pain, no gain

By Anonymous - 09/05/2016 20:44 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 167

You deserved it 1 008

Comedy roast

By bad auntie! - 21/11/2022 03:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I have been teaching our son to deal with bullies using peaceful conflict resolution techniques. My younger sister however thought it’d be a good idea to teach him how to “roast” his bullies back. So far he’s made three kids cry and I have to see the principal. Thanks Sis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 757

Put that in your pipe and smoke it

By Mimi - 29/11/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 904

You deserved it 94 160

Riveting

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 752

You deserved it 23 206

By arsenic660 - 30/07/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 853

You deserved it 4 556

By FUCK ME, MAKE IT STOP - 01/11/2013 18:38 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go to a big dinner with my insane relatives. Highlights of conversation included my sister telling us about the "country of Iowa", my dad accusing me of faking my chronic fatigue syndrome, and my grandpa claiming that Nelson Mandela is the Antichrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 975

You deserved it 3 214

Shame!

By milly - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Norway

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 783

You deserved it 6 761

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 807

You deserved it 4 465

By scammed - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 931

You deserved it 2 887

Don't shoot the messenger

By Anonymous - 05/07/2020 23:01

Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 2 124

Dumbass

By O-|---<=~ - 18/10/2013 23:01 - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 948

You deserved it 5 685

By tishihish - 12/12/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 946

You deserved it 2 826

Turned off

By picturemenakedbaby - 21/07/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said, "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 045

You deserved it 12 740

Surprise!

By spiteful bitch - 25/07/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 694

You deserved it 159

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 006

You deserved it 18 694

Hot wheels

By Liam. - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said, "Nice chair." She replied, "Nice bruise" and punched me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 783

You deserved it 52 465

Helping hand

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 05:01

Today, my granny has been constipated for the past two days. She is too weak to get out of bed, so I ended up trying to dig the poop out of her butthole with a spoon. Yay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 799

You deserved it 307

By Anonymous - 01/12/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 388

You deserved it 4 403

Blast from the past

By kjcarey123 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied, "The round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now I'm the asshole of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 545

You deserved it 44 863

On time

By Anonymous - 28/01/2020 14:00 - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally got up early enough to get to work on time. I arrived 15 minutes early only to realize that I'd left my work laptop at home. Ended up being 30 minutes late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 1 080

Nice try, Mom

By Agirl - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 584

You deserved it 2 914

By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 625

You deserved it 17 168

By Can I press charges? - 15/01/2015 17:23 - Australia - Hamilton

Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 626

You deserved it 4 672

By my gran is a cuntwaffle - 26/09/2013 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 607

You deserved it 6 428

So thoughful

By Surprised - 05/02/2023 12:00

Today, it’s my birthday. My husband gave me quite the surprise. He shouldn’t have. He surprised me by letting me walking in on him doing my sister doggy-style on our bed. Happy Birthday! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 753

You deserved it 168

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The Top

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 938

You deserved it 81 884

Today, as a millennial, I had to explain to a baby boomer why he needs to use condoms when having sex with his 25-year-old girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 318

You deserved it 223

Today, I lost my dog while hiking. After searching the trails for an hour and a half, he was by the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 475

You deserved it 8 565

Today, I was talking with my father on the phone when I mentioned I wanted to stay at school over the summer and work. He asked if it would be lonely with the campus empty, when I replied that my friends would be working here too. He asked: "What, all two of them?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 723

You deserved it 5 177

Today, I saw my husband comment on a celebrity’s Instagram post that he would “eat her ass like a cupcake.” I’ve asked him to do the same to me once and he told me wasn’t into eating ass. So when I called him out on it, he replied, “Maybe if you did squats and worked out that pancake butt of yours, I would.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 308

Today, I was using the same metal spoon to stir boiling noodles and the pasta sauce I was heating up. I decided to taste the sauce and see if it was getting warm, forgetting that the spoon was sitting in boiling water three seconds earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 1 137