Random FMLs

Cancelled

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said, "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 397

You deserved it 8 828

It's all downhill from here

By Go Mom...?! - 09/06/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I'm a 20 year-old guy, and my 52 year-old mom has aged really well and looks around the same age as me. Meanwhile, I'm aging poorly and fear that I may soon look as old as she actually is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 124

By Anonymous - 22/09/2009 16:27 - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 450

You deserved it 6 113

Snoopy

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 993

You deserved it 9 039

By thesadone - 03/07/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 986

You deserved it 10 773

The disrespect

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 11:01

Today, I visited my mom at the graveyard first thing in the morning. Not even 24 hours after the funeral, someone’s dog had taken a massive, liquidy shit all over her grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 67

Luck of the draw

By smallmediumatlrg - 25/06/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I went to a yard sale and found a cute plush duck. I sent a pic of it to my friend with the message "Jackpot!" I guess she didn't see the pic because she called me up all excited, thinking my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me. "No, I said, I just found a big duck for $1." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 450

You deserved it 7 055

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 130

You deserved it 52 182

It never rains, it pours

By samsonity - 15/09/2020 17:02

Today, I woke up knowing I'd done all my homework, so I'd have the day free. My dad calls me into his room to tell me that I have 3 outstanding exam papers to hand in this week. It was summer homework, set by my school's online learning website that I didn’t know it existed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 489

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 16:01

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 126

By AnonymousLoser - 11/09/2013 09:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend invited me over for the first time. I pulled up to her house just to be denied at the front door by her mum. She'd invited me over to break up with me, but had her mum do it for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 068

You deserved it 3 749

By boblaj - 22/05/2012 16:11 - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 883

You deserved it 4 041

Agent of chaos

By Anonymous - 08/10/2023 05:00

Today, I left my car window slightly open while I went shopping. When I returned, I discovered that what I assume to be a mischievous squirrel had got into my car and chewed through the wires in my dashboard, causing extensive damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 234

Can't we just get along?

By Anonymous - 29/04/2025 03:00 - United States

Today, I tried to host a “non-political” BBQ with extended family. Despite my best efforts to avoid politics being brought up, within 30 minutes someone brought up swing states, voter suppression, and deepfake campaign ads. The hamburgers were barely defrosted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 152

By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 15:58 - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 041

You deserved it 19 643

Voice of a generation

By Stevie - 29/09/2024 06:00 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I was belting out Beyoncé in the shower, really feeling myself. When I got out, I heard applause. My new neighbors were sitting on their balcony and I had my bedroom window open. They'd been unwilling members of my entire shower performance's audience, and the applause was definitely sarcastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 422

Antidate

By Inpain - 08/07/2023 10:00

Today, I was having the worst period cramps you could ever imagine. I cancelled the date I had with my "boyfriend." He replied, “Isn’t there some medicine you can take to make it go away?” When I told him I did and still had them, he said, “Fine, lose my number, I’ll find a girl who doesn’t have that shit.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 151

Body clock

By what - 03/09/2023 08:00

Today, I decided to turn over a new leaf. I slept eleven hours instead of twelve, with the intention of cutting down to eight. Instead, my body chose to faint from exhaustion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 563

You deserved it 222

Bassface

By ohnoooooo - 03/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 657

You deserved it 4 984

Something

By Kidsthesedays - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something?" I asked. I was not expecting the answer, "A period mural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 215

You deserved it 3 352

By Me - 20/12/2016 01:40 - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 957

You deserved it 1 222

Mission impossible

By Anonymous - 13/09/2023 12:00 - Philippines - Makati City

Today, my manager forced me to call the guy she fired a few weeks ago, and grovel shamelessly to him to come back to work, and that I'd better convince him to return, or else. The problem is, not only does he hate my manager's guts, he's now working a godsend job in Japan, which pays 4 times as much, and gave him a car and a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 91

Time to leave

By Anonymous - 22/08/2023 08:00

Today, my ex called me, apologetic about her mistakes, and saying she realised she wants to be with me. I eventually agreed to coffee, just to see if the old spark was still there. I ended up leaving after 0.0000005 seconds. She was 6 months pregnant with some other dude's baby. I wasted my afternoon for this shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 177

By maddieex - 04/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend brought me to a restaurant on a surprise date. I guess he didn't know that my ex-boyfriend now works there, and that he would be our waiter for the evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 364

You deserved it 3 301

Three kids?

By Anonymous - 08/01/2020 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 207

You deserved it 320

Alexa, play "Meat Is Murder" by The Smiths

By meat is meat - 07/10/2019 02:07

Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 281

You deserved it 2 753

Best impression

By Shells - 27/07/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, to make a good impression, I brought in homemade blueberry muffins for my newish coworkers. Everyone loved them, up until the guy with a nut allergy had to be rushed to the hospital. Turns out my almond milk wasn’t as "nut-free" as I thought. Welcome to the team! FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 821

By Breanne - 14/07/2011 15:25 - Canada

Today, at work, a regular started talking to me. Subject of choice? His overwhelming amount of earwax. Apparently he'd like to make a candle out of it once he goes to the doctor to get it removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 275

You deserved it 2 331

Gun control

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 10:59

Today, I took my 15-year-old daughter to our local shooting range for her birthday, as she requested. While she was setting up a target in front of me, I jokingly pulled the trigger and shouted, "Think Fast!" not realizing that the safety was off. I shot my daughter in the arm on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181

You deserved it 4 441

Another betrayal

By Anonymous - 14/03/2025 07:00 - United States - Niles

Today, I found out that my fiance has been cheating on me. We have an 8 month-old baby together. I've been trying to help him get sober again and have done my best to be a great partner, but apparently some other girl is more important than the family he was creating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 139

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The Top

Today, my cousin died of a very treatable illness. She was pressured into herbal and holistic "faith healing" instead of seeking "poisonous western filth". Her husband, church and family all seem to think she made the right choice. I’ve been shunned for disagreeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 105

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 506

You deserved it 3 579

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 686

You deserved it 3 409

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 676

You deserved it 181

Today, I was at Petsmart with my puppy. Someone tried to pet him. I tried to warn the guy that he is a rescue and doesn't trust easily. He didn't listen and now wants to sue me for a dog bite that didn't even break the skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 213

You deserved it 3 263

Today, my new colleagues discovered the videos I did in college when I was short of money and didn't know they would end up online. My friend even asked if I was "the guy who came after 30 seconds and was comforted by the director". I was that guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 756

You deserved it 1 385