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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

#2573344
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13073) - you deserved it (53337)

On 06/03/2009 at 5:48pm - misc - by ivyleaguebabe (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML

#2569917
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39765) - you deserved it (3930)

On 06/03/2009 at 4:06pm - work - by peeepeee. - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

#2569005
324 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62051) - you deserved it (5035)

On 06/03/2009 at 3:39pm - misc - by doubleds (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

#2565972
282 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46391) - you deserved it (15359)

On 06/03/2009 at 1:40pm - kids - by psychortiz (man) - United States (California)

AlphaC's comment : You have a five year old daughter. That immediately exempts you from being called gay or unmanly. You're not gay/unmanly because you have neon-green fingernails. You're a parent of a five year old daughter. Cheer up, it's not THAT bad.

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Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

#2562332
238 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49627) - you deserved it (18285)

On 06/03/2009 at 10:15am - misc - by Kyokushin (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

#2560724
199 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10246) - you deserved it (53672)

On 06/03/2009 at 6:40am - misc - by Unimpressed (woman) - Australia (Australian Capital Territory)

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

#2560630
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11915) - you deserved it (45708)

On 06/03/2009 at 6:31am - work - by whatzthehell (woman) - Kuwait

Today, my band went to play a set for the first time. I'm the drummer. All was going well, and then before our first song I threw the sticks in the air, went to catch them, and one hit me right in the eye. I couldn't continue playing. Now I have to wear an eyepatch. FML

#2560457
266 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13158) - you deserved it (53405)

On 06/03/2009 at 6:06am - work - by failedmusician (woman) - New Zealand (Wellington)

Today, I was working and some woman wanted to pay with a credit card. It already had a picture on the card so you don't have to ask for i.d., and just glancing at it I asked, "Oh, is this your husband's card?" She then replied, "No, that's just me with glasses and short hair." FML

#2558770
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16385) - you deserved it (42464)

On 06/03/2009 at 2:50am - work - by em (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

#2557919
303 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59215) - you deserved it (25361)

On 06/03/2009 at 2:06am - intimacy - by galen (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

#2557245
327 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54264) - you deserved it (4454)

On 06/03/2009 at 1:40am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

#2556869
275 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18589) - you deserved it (56423)

On 06/03/2009 at 1:23am - love - by boinger (man) - United States (California)



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