Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

by can't breathe / 11/22/2010 at 6:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Health

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 2:32am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 1:26am / United States (Kansas) / Transportation

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

by dickwebs / 11/21/2010 at 10:42pm / Germany / Animals

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 9:51pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

by poomaster / 11/21/2010 at 9:33pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

by sydysyd / 11/21/2010 at 6:43pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

redbluegreen's comment : Your mom should be happy it's only the computer that "keeps getting viruses". And Ken, that little slut! He's now with a Bratz doll? Wait until Barbie hears about this!

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Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 6:14pm / United States (Maine) / Intimacy

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

by BlackRavenWings / 11/21/2010 at 5:36pm / United States (West Virginia) / Work

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 2:07pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, while working as a carhop at Sonic, my roller skates ran over some gravel and I fell, causing me to drop a tray of food. I found out later that one of the customers had deliberately done that to see if I would trip. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 1:44pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

by kaileekat517 / 11/21/2010 at 1:36pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

by rebeccacaissie / 11/21/2010 at 1:16pm / United States / Love