Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

by disgusteddaughter / 06/13/2011 at 4:58am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

by John jacob / 06/13/2011 at 2:25am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

MtnDew32's comment : A tick on your dick? Ew, that's sick.

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Today, I was home alone in my apartment. I tripped over my dresser and fell and sprained my ankle. As I was laying there in agonizing pain, my downstairs neighbor shouted at me to shut up. FML

by ow / 06/13/2011 at 1:39am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

by cycler / 06/13/2011 at 12:22am / United States / Animals

MtnDew32's comment : Great. You killed Theodore. And I was really looking forward to a third movie...

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Today, my boyfriend told me that he is homophobic. This wouldn't be such a big deal, if my mother wasn't a lesbian. He doesn't know this yet, and I'm afraid to tell him. FML

by ash / 06/12/2011 at 11:20pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

YacL's comment : I really don't understand why people are homophobic. It's like a gay guy being afraid of straight guys... just doesn't make sense.

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Today, my boyfriend and I pulled over to have sex in his mother's car. It was going great until I leaned back onto the horn, waking up our whole neighborhood. FML

by Shelly / 06/12/2011 at 10:50pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

by Jenievonteese / 06/12/2011 at 7:33pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2011 at 3:21pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

by gerligrl97 / 06/12/2011 at 2:50pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

by Brandy_Dandy78 / 06/12/2011 at 2:47pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

by Apple / 06/12/2011 at 1:54pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

by El Stupido / 06/12/2011 at 9:51am / Australia (Queensland) / Transportation

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

by FreshFaced / 06/12/2011 at 7:46am / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Work