Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

by Anon / 05/18/2011 at 7:47am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

iAmScrubs's comment : One day, your mom is going to be abducted by an evil octopus and batman isn't going to save her because she called him gay.

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Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

by JCC / 05/18/2011 at 6:57am / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

by Jackedup / 05/18/2011 at 3:57am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Mehness's comment : She pulled a Mary on you.

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Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 3:26am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I found a link to a porn website on my boyfriend's computer. A bit jealous, I asked why it was there. He told me that he thought thinking of me might get boring. FML

by thoughtitwasspecial / 05/18/2011 at 1:15am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

miserypoison's comment : every guy watches porn

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Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2011 at 12:38am / Australia / Health

Today, my boyfriend of nearly 4 years, with whom I have a baby, broke up with me. His reason? His best friend said he didn't like drinking with guys who were "tied down". FML

by me / 05/18/2011 at 12:13am / Love

Today, I threw a surprise birthday party for my 3 year old. There was music, snacks and lots of toys. My 3 year old is a cat. FML

by kaileigh10 / 05/17/2011 at 11:04pm / Animals

Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML

by unrequited / 05/17/2011 at 10:36pm / United States / Love

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

by markymark / 05/17/2011 at 1:36pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

by anonymous / 05/17/2011 at 1:34pm / United States (Mississippi) / Money

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

by Anonymous / 05/17/2011 at 12:15pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

by SexyQueen0905 / 05/17/2011 at 9:05am / Health