Tamiaxoxo00

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

Today, a 60 year old veteran hit on me by pointing to his white hair and saying: "Just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there isn't a fire down below." Then he told me vets eat free at Cracker Barrel. FML

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML