Single
Today, I got asked out for the second time in my life. Since my first date didn't go so well I thought I might have better luck with a different guy. I had to end the date when he confessed it was his destiny to kill his father. FML
Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML
Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML
Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML
Today, my 8 year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML
Today, I went to the dorm showers to use the facilities. As I was getting in the shower, I slipped and landed face first into a puddle. It wasn't water. FML
Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my stepmom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML
Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML
Today, I got pulled over for drunk driving. This is the second time its happened. I was completely sober both times. FML
Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML
Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML
Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML
Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML
Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML
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