Sharpie_08

Tinder Surprise

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

Cheats, cheats everwhere

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML

Tu as compris ?

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML

Today, my girlfriend told me on Facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from Facebook for iPhone." FML

Don't wanna know

Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML