Miss 40 years-old
Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML
Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML
Today, I came home from my two week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML
Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML
Today, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell. I would have fallen straight onto my ass, but thankfully my testicles broke my fall. FML
Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML
Today, I sneezed with so much force while I was driving that I whacked my head on the steering wheel and honked the horn. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML
Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML
Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML
Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML
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