saebybaby

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Spyware

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

Today, I had to apply medicine to my friend's spider bites, located on her ass crack. FML

Today, while in my doctor's packed waiting room, an elderly woman insisted I take her seat. I thanked her, but politely declined. She began to yell, saying I was "ungrateful", until I sat down. She then left, laughing, as I discovered that she peed in the chair. Apparently, she does this often. FML

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

Today, I caught my husband once again looking at half naked pictures of a friend of mine on Facebook. When I asked why he did it, he said "I was checking to see if they were still there." FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML