Today, I got mad at my boyfriend and gave him the silent treatment. He still hasn’t noticed. It’s been four hours, and he just asked if I wanted to order pizza, assuming I was "thinking really hard about something." FML
Today, I texted my mom, “Love you!” and immediately followed it with, “Oops wrong chat” except it wasn't the wrong chat. She replied, “???” and now she thinks I only say I love her by accident. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since my ex took me on a date and said honestly that he missed me and wanted to be with me. I said I was too busy, and he nodded, shrugged, and said OK. I haven't heard from him since and I can't stop thinking about him. FML
Today, feeling ravenous and hungover, I sneakily ate my roommate’s leftover pizza. Halfway through, I realized it wasn’t pizza, it was a frozen waffle with ketchup and cheese they’d left in the box as a trap. I fell for it. FML
Today, I got reprimanded at work for calling off when I wasn’t sick. Apparently someone at the store saw me making online videos. What a great day to try starting my influencer brand. FML
Today, I got broken up with yet again by my on-and-off ex-girlfriend. I had ended things with an amazing girl I was seeing just to go back to my ex. She'd made it clear that if things went wrong with my ex, I wasn't allowed to pursue her again. I tried to hit her up again anyway, but she told me to “take a short walk off a pier.” FML
Today, I forgot the golden rule when having windows open on your computer: always check which one you are typing in before hitting Enter to send. Me detailing my plan to fake a doctor's appointment for an extra day off to who I thought was my girlfriend means I now have to explain my miraculous recovery to my boss tomorrow. FML
Today, I was on the phone with tech support for over an hour, getting increasingly frustrated. After finally fixing the issue, I sarcastically said, "Thanks for nothing, genius," thinking I'd hung up the call. Turns out, I hadn’t. The tech guy coolly replied, "You’re welcome, genius." FML
Today, while stumbling drunkenly down a trail, I saw a sign that said "Watch for Falling Rocks." I spent the next five minutes confused and wondering how I was supposed to know which rocks were planning to fall. FML
Today, I got stuck in traffic and angrily honked at the car in front of me. Then I realized it was a hearse. FML
Today, I was heating up my rig and about to do a dab when the rig piece fell out onto my hotel blanket, melting it, and getting plastic on the rig. Then I went to fan the smoke detector and I grabbed a pizza box, not thinking about if it was empty or not, and pizza flew everywhere as I fanned. FML
Today, after an argument, my husband bet he could go longer without sex than me, since he’s used to me turning him down for weeks at a time, it’s now been a month, and all I want to do is rub against him like a cat, while he’s walking around completely unbothered. He even ignores me when I’m naked. FML
Today, while working from home, I missed an important Zoom meeting with the director of my department because I was too busy watching adult videos and pleasuring myself. FML
Today, I was secretly snacking on my roommate’s chips. I heard her coming, so I shoved the chips under my bed and pretended to read. She came in, sniffed the air, and said, "I know you stole my chips. The evidence is on your face." I had orange cheese dust all over my mouth. FML
Today, I was trying to impress a girl I like by showing off my guitar skills at a party. I'd hyped it up all night. When I finally started playing, I’d forgotten most of the chords and lyrics to the song, and ended up just strumming "Wonderwall" while humming off-key. She left halfway through the "performance." FML
Today, I went to visit my ex to tell him that we couldn't hang out anymore, since I'm becoming serious with a new guy. He picked me up, tossed me on his bed and had his way with me. It was amazing, so much better than with the new guy. FML
Today, I tried to secretly take a photo of a cute guy on the train. I forgot my flash was on. He looked straight at me, smirked, and said, “If you wanted my picture, you could’ve just asked.” I got off three stops early. FML
Today, I explained to my new neighbors that my kids will continue to use the pool in the backyard as they have for years. The neighbor immediately said my kids are not welcome in her yard and she is building a fence. I don’t know how to explain to my sweet babies they no longer have their pool. FML
Today, I went to the Cheesecake Factory and treated myself to an appetizer, an entree, a dessert, and some cocktails. The bill was higher than I expected and I was $50 short. I faked having a food allergy and had the staff call 911 so they could take me to the hospital, so I would get out of paying. It worked. FML
Today, I was confronted by a friend, who I didn’t invite to an outing with the rest of our friends because we think she’s annoying. I'd posted a photo and I'd apparently forgot to exclude her from viewing it in the post settings. She’s also my ride to and from school. She told me, “I hope you can afford Uber/Lyft.” FML
Today, I lit a used tissue on fire in my room. Eventually, the fire became kinda of large (it was a big tissue) and when I blew it out, it fell on the carpet. Now I have a burn stain on it. FML
Today, I was trying to take a sneaky picture of a cute guy sitting across from me on a train. My phone’s flash went off. I panicked, dropped my phone, and then had to awkwardly stand up to retrieve it while he just smirked at me, clearly aware of what had just happened. FML
Today, on a whim, I decided to try to light a fart on fire. I now know how it feels to take a dump when you have a burn directly on your asshole. FML
Today, I realized my friends were right about my obsession for my only son when I found myself genuinely jealous when I heard he recently got a new girlfriend. FML
Today, I got a mass message on WhatsApp from my extended family about my cousin’s engagement. Trying to be funny, I replied, “Wow, can’t wait to see how long this one lasts.” I thought I was sending it to my brother. Only my brother. I sent it to the whole family group. Including my cousin. And her fiancé. FML
Today, I got to speak to a friend with benefits and he’s been stringing me along for months now. We finally got the chance to do the deed and my husband ruined it. Now he only speaks to me when it’s convenient for him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was a mystic and I'd told her not to use FML because it seemed negative. I think it feels controlling and I don't want that. I also deleted a file that was about fear of her husband dying because she lost her dad. I wish I could go back and be on FML too. FML
Today, I laughed at my friend for tripping on the sidewalk. While imitating him to show “how stupid" he looked, I stepped on the exact same sidewalk, twisted my ankle, and fell over in front of a bunch of strangers. FML
Today, I was about to cross the fabled Abbey Road street crossing for a photo. Like an idiot, I didn’t pay attention to the road. As I began crossing, a lady on her e-bike frantically swerved out of the way and ate the pavement. In front of 30 people. FML
Today, I was super bored in health class so I decided to watch Invader Zim on my computer. I never made sure my headphones were connected. so the whole class turned and stared at me. FML
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