Today, I realized that my dogs have been hosing my tomatoes with pee every time they go out. Not just the plants, the tomatoes I'd been eating all summer. FML
Today, I invited my crush to the city I moved to for work. Paid for her ticket. She was supposed to be here for a week. Long story short, she spent the week banging my roommate at the Hilton. FML
Today, I used to always say that the only thing that I've ever learned my lesson on, on my very first time, is having children. Now, I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant. HILARIOUS, GOD! FML
Today, it's been one year since my husband moved six states away for his job. The plan was for me to stay behind until I found a job, but I still haven't in all this time. I can just feel the distance growing between us. FML
Today, my right arm was broken preventing a woman being hit by a van speeding through a zebra crossing. One of my eyes is also swollen shut from where she kicked me in the face as I was on the ground, for “grabbing her boob”. Stupid ungrateful bitch. FML
Today, my abusive ex-stepfather managed to file a protection order on my sweet mum. Now, both of my younger siblings can no longer see or talk to her, and the police came to our door and took them. If they truly thought she was dangerous, wouldn't they take me too? He even has a real criminal record of abuse, and my mom is clean. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed with his grandmother’s ring in front of a huge crowd of all our friends. It might have been romantic if he hadn’t stolen the ring from his parents' safe and if we weren’t juniors in high school. Now everyone thinks I’m a huge bitch for saying no in front of everyone. FML
Today, I wanted to go visit my mom, only to find out that she's still married to the same overprotective controlling prick who tried to make me drop out of my senior year of high school because of the Sandy Hook shooting. FML
Today, I was walking past the drive thru window at my job when I heard someone whistle at me. I whipped around and snapped at the customer, “Did you just whistle at me?” Turns out my new coworker has a tic where she whistles, and she was standing a few feet away. I accused an innocent customer of catcalling me. FML
Today, my friend accidentally killed his AirPods by washing them. He decided to lie to the service center and say they just stopped working. When I said they wouldn't cover it, he asked Gemini, which said it *was* a warranty issue, and gave him a cover story. Then, he started talking shit about me being useless. FML
Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum: either I go to therapy for my depression or he’ll divorce me, because 4 years living with a virtual stranger who only grunts at him is enough and he doesn’t intend to be a roommate in a loveless, sexless marriage forever. I’m trying, I really am. FML
Today, after me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago, I found out he had a new girlfriend, but he was repetitively trying to get back into contact with me to rub it in my face. Then his mum died and she blocked him, so he came running back. FML
Today, my mother-in-law went ballistic for me letting my kids watch the Ladybug and Cat Noir movie, because there is one black spot on Ladybug's costume positioned to look like a patch of pubic hair, and is therefore inappropriate for children. It’s a cartoon about superheroes, FFS. FML
Today, I admitted to my fiance that I'm glad I had a miscarriage. He kicked me out and called off our wedding. FML
Today, I introduced my mom to my friend who performed the Heimlich maneuver on me when I was choking. She proceeded to loudly berate and chew him out, saying that he should have gotten an adult and could have hurt me. Now he won't talk to me and I'm grounded for calling her a cunt. FML
Today, I paid for NASCAR tickets for my husband, because it was something on his bucket list. I wanted to do something nice for him. Every time I tell him something he does that bothers me though, his comeback is, "Sorry I’m not perfect, maybe I should just kill myself and you can have all the money." FML
Today, my ex-fiancee found out that I didn't cheat on her, but said that we can't get back together because too much time has gone by and there's too much of a divide between us. I keep begging and pleading and crying and everything but she won't listen. FML
Today, I've been blessed with a great girlfriend who initiates sex often, but then during the act just lays there looking uninterested while I do all the work. Looking at her bored expression makes me lose all the fun. FML
Today, after I asked a girl out on her birthday and she said yes, I went to her place early in the next morning to give her her favorite bagels. I went to her room to surprise her after her roommate let me in, only to see her blowing some dude's candle, if you know what I mean. I don't thing I'll be taking her out. FML
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