The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Dr Phil

Today, I was in a crowded elevator and, like any sane person, eavesdropped on the couple in front of me. The guy was breaking up with his girlfriend, and she was crying. As they got off, I patted her on the back and said, "You can do better, honey." It wasn’t until the doors closed that I realized I had just encouraged my boss's wife to leave him. FML

F*** Grandma, eh kids?

Today, I was so distraught during my mother’s funeral that I hadn’t been paying attention to anything around me. At some point, my kids changed my ringtone to “Ding dong the witch is dead” and turned my phone to full volume. They called while I was doing her eulogy. FML

Mistaken identity

Today, I saw a man at the gym glancing at me. I went over and said, "Are you ogling me?" kind of low key flirtatiously. He said, "No, I'm working out. Don't flatter yourself." FML

Are you OK?

Today, my phone rang during a meeting. I quickly silenced it, and put it in my pocket. A few minutes later, my boss’s phone rang. It was me, butt-dialing him while we were sitting in the same room. He answered and asked if I had something urgent to discuss. I did not. FML

Destination funerals

Today, my parents said we can't go to our grandma's funeral because it's going to be held in Hawaii in accordance with her wishes and we can't afford to travel. FML

Ill prepared

Today, I have a friend who I’m scared is going to become a nurse. She didn’t even know that morning sickness can last all day and that “morning” sickness is just its name. FML

Desperate

Today, my ex-wife announced that she's taking me to court for child support. Her kids were just my stepkids and we weren't even married a year, but she apparently has a pretty good lawyer on her side. FML

Miserable parenting style

Today, my mom was going to take me shopping to buy a gift for my dad’s birthday, but unfortunately, I missed a spot while cleaning the kitchen. Now my mom is “embarrassed to be seen with me in public” and will buy my dad nothing, and tell him it’s because I don’t love him. FML

Healthcare is broken

Today, I've found out I developed carpal tunnel in my right hand and need surgery. On top of that I have degenerative arthritis in my left hip, which needs immediate surgery as well. I haven’t met my $5,000 insurance deductible and have to pay out of pocket. FML

On time

Today, I set my alarm for 3:30 AM to catch an early flight. I got up, got dressed, and arrived at the airport in record time. While checking in, I was told that my flight is tomorrow morning. I’m now wide awake and sitting in a 24-hour diner, having a very early breakfast. FML

Yoyo

Today, after injuring my muscles in my hip trying to do my stretches from my physical therapy, my weight has rebounded in an awful way. Even trying proper portion control doesn't cause my weight to budge and I can't treat myself without my weight leaping 5 pounds or more. FML

Body issues

Today, I was in an elevator with a coworker I barely know. My stomach thought that it was time to remind me I hadn’t eaten breakfast. It growled like a dying whale, and my coworker gave me a concerned look. To make it worse, the elevator got stuck for five minutes. We stood in awkward silence, with my stomach making noises the whole time. FML

As he should

Today, I sold all of my son's games and gadgets because he got a horrible report card. It turned out that the school made some sort of a mistake and it wasn't his actual report card. He actually got great grades. I tried to apologize but he told me to fuck off. FML

Poker Face

Today, I have to get a thyroid ultrasound. I'm a 25 year-old cancer survivor; it took amputating my left leg to beat the last one. My doctor has dealt with my hypochondria for years, long enough to know his face when I should be worried. FML

It's gonna eat me!

Today, my boyfriend told me he had a catphobia, but I forgot to tell him my mom has a new kitten, so when we went round he freaked out so much trying to escape this tiny kitten following him, it reminded me very much of Captain Hook trying to escape being eaten by the crocodile. FML

Wakey wakey

Today, I took a quick nap in my car during my lunch break. I'd set an alarm but forgot to turn my car off, having switched the AC on due to the blistering heat. The cool air lulled me to sleep. When I woke up, my boss was knocking on my window. Apparently, I'd knocked the car into neutral and it had rolled into his parking spot. FML

I'm outta here

Today, I was dating someone who completely believed cyborgs killed his family, although they are very much alive. He also faked having relationships a couple of times, and last but not least he pretended to be someone else he was stalking in real life for 3 years. I only found this out after I broke up with him. FML

Sleep cycles

Today, my roommate gets up at 3:30am for work and wakes me up each time. I try not to complain about it, but whenever I come back to the apartment at midnight, she gets mad that I woke her up. I told her that she wakes me up in the morning, but apparently that’s different because she’s going to work. FML

Secrets and lies

Today, my husband had a 'come to Jesus' moment where he confessed he has been lying to me our entire marriage about everything, from relationships with women I have suspected to what he ate for lunch. He does not know why he lies about the little things, he said he wants to "know something that you don't." FML

Masterchef 2020

Today, I went to make chilli and instead of just using 3 cups of water like the recipe called for, I ended up using 3 quarts somehow. Now I have a pot of hot and spicy meat water. FML

Keep it professional

Today, during an important Zoom meeting, I insisted my dog was calm and well-behaved. To prove it, I picked him up. He immediately sneezed directly into my open mouth while my camera was on and my boss was speaking. Everyone saw and heard. FML

WAKE UP IT'S MONDAY MORNING!

Today, I was running late for work so I grabbed my coffee to go. I was rushing down the stairs when I stumbled a bit and spilled the entire cup of coffee all over myself. I had to go back up, change clothes, and was still late. The kicker? It was decaf. FML

Strange metric

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

Surprise, MFer!

Today, I went to use a public restroom. I walked into the first stall and found it occupied… by a raccoon. It hissed at me, and in my panic, I backed into a janitor's cart, knocking over the mop and bucket. I had to leave the bathroom drenched in dirty water while a crowd of people watched. FML

Scary thought

Today, I have a very mild case of COVID. I’ve been in quarantine for a few days now. No big deal. I’ve also been ridiculously horny these past few days. However, every time I…relieve that tension, I get a stabbing headache. Now I’m worried I may never full enjoy sex again. FML

Tis the season…

Today, my seasonal allergies are so bad that I can’t function. I have two choices; I can either take Benadryl and be knocked unconscious, or I can take Claritin D but it makes me so jumpy and jittery, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Even the prescription stuff doesn’t work. FML

Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML

Bad doggo

Today, I was walking down the street when I saw a cute dog. I reached down to pet it, but it snarled then bit me. As I was walking away, I saw the owner of the dog, who was laughing and filming the whole thing on his shitty cellphone. I hope the video isn't out there on TikTok or whatever. FML

Doggy dog world

Today, I tried to sound sexy by sending a well-rehearsed voice message to my crush. My dog started barking loudly in the background, so I ended up sending a second message of me screaming, "Shut UP, Kevin!" FML

In big 2026?

Today, I work at a craft store. One of the things we sell are wooden numbers. If I had a dollar for every time a random kid took all the 6's and 7's and lined them up across the floor, forcing me to stop what I'm doing in order to go put them back, I'd probably have more than $67. It's an almost daily occurrence. FML