Today, I was using self-checkout at the grocery store, and the machine flipped out and started randomly announcing, "Please wait for assistance." No one came to help, but the machine just kept loudly repeating it until everyone stared at me like I was trying to steal grapes. FML
Today, I feel like I’m living in some horrible campy horror comedy. I was walking to the kitchen when my cat ran under my feet, causing me to trip and fall backward through my glass table. FML
Today, I did the "suck your finger" trick in the car to prevent my lipstick from getting on my teeth and halfway locked eyes with a random dude outside. FML
Today, I went to get an MRI for preventive care. The diagnosis was great, but I ended up having complications with the contrast, so now I have terrible muscle pain and have to see more doctors. I have mixed feelings. FML
Today, I decided to show up to my new class an hour early, to be able to choose my seat, and figure out how the computer lab works… only to find out that the lab was locked and I had to wait until the professor unlocked it. FML
Today, my first day on underground water pipes, we had to clear a blockage that cut off water to an entire street. Whatever the block was, it came free so fast the released water created a geyser 30 feet in the air. I got hit by it and made it about 10 feet in the air before I hit a parked car. FML
Today, at a busy register, I greeted a customer, started scanning items, and only halfway through realized they were on their phone with earbuds in and had not actually been talking to me. I got flustered, scanned the same item twice, and had to call over a manager while the line behind them got longer. FML
Today, at a dinner party, someone brought up astrology and I casually said I don’t really believe in it. One guest immediately accused me of being “emotionally closed-minded” while another started defending me like we were in a courtroom drama. I just wanted more soy sauce, not ideological warfare over moon signs. FML
Today, I was sitting at an airport bar when my flight, which was only supposed to leave in an hour, showed up as "Final call for boarding." I ran through the airport, only to find out they hadn't started boarding yet. Fucking Ryanair. FML
Today, I was being ghosted by the person I’d been talking to online for three months. I was heartbroken, but then I noticed a message notification pop up from him. Excited, I opened it up, only to see, "Sorry, wrong person." FML
Today, a cashier at a store was so gorgeous that when she asked if I needed a bag, I grabbed everything and simply said, "Thanks, you too." I dropped something on the way out of the store and I haven't gone back. I've seen her a few times around town and she giggles at me when I pass by. I hate my life. FML
Today, I realized my gym crush has only been smiling at me because I’ve been using the equipment completely wrong for weeks. FML
Today, I’ve been sick for 3 weeks and by now I can hardly even distinguish whether I feel weak and shitty due to A) still being sick, B) lack of exercise (caused by A), or C) severe depression (caused by B). FML
Today, after months of couple's therapy for a lack of empathy, I'm up for an operation in the butt, so I asked if he could take two days off work in the days following. He said no and suggested the first week of July. The second week of July I'll be going with our three children to a family sports camp for a week. Alone. FML
Today, I unknowingly left a five minute-long voicemail on my boss’s phone, at 3 a.m., while out drinking with friends. I have no idea what we were talking about at that time, but I know I don’t want my boss to have a candid recording of it. FML
Today, they're jackhammering through concrete walls at my workplace in order to build an addition. I'm allowed to work from home… but I live right next to where they're jackhammering down a concrete garage. FML
Today, my foster son’s adoption is once again being delayed thanks to his crackhead birth mom. Every time she gets a notice that we’re moving forward, she has some rando come forward pretending to be the bio dad, then we have to go through months of court and DNA tests. She’s done this 12 times. FML
Today, I have to give my cat medicine to help with his constipation. He doesn't like it. On the other hand, my other cat, who isn't constipated, loves it. This may prove to be challenging. FML
Today, I tried to quietly open a bag of chips during a movie. The bag made so much noise that people turned around to stare. When I finally got it open, I dropped the entire bag on the floor and chips scattered down the aisle. FML
Today, I tried out a new fabric softener, thinking it would make my clothes smell like fresh mountain air. Turns out I’m allergic to it. I’m now covered in hives and smell like a pine-scented car air freshener. FML
Today, after I was wrapping up a visit with my chiropractor, I nearly fell off his table onto my face when I missed a handhold trying to push myself upright. After getting up, I then bumped into a poster on the wall, nearly knocking it onto the floor. At least the chiropractor had a good sense of humor. FML
Today, I waited on a party of 8. They were a bunch of obnoxious 20-something year-olds. Not only did they cause a commotion, they left the table a mess. I even found an open condom on the table. Gross. And you probably guessed it: they left no tip. Just a note on the tip line: “Lose weight fatass.” FML
Today, I wore a new pair of white pants, feeling fancy. Halfway through the day, I discovered a ketchup stain that looked suspiciously like a heart right on the front. That explained why people kept giving me sympathetic nods as I walked by, probably thinking I'd spilled my heart on my sleeve… or my pants. FML
Today, I took my toddler to a library story hour. He sat quietly for almost ten minutes, which should have been my first warning. Right as the librarian began reading a dramatic part, my son pointed at her and shouted, “That lady is very old.” FML
Today, my coworkers wouldn't help cover the front desk and help answer phones at work. They had agreed to do this with our three bosses in the room, after having a discussion about it and coming to an agreement to do this in two hour shifts. They are both older than me and have less work to do than me. FML
Today, I tried to put a drinking glass on the top rack at the dish sink where I work, but lost my grip. The glass then fell into my coworker's face, the bridge of her nose to be exact. X-rays confirmed that I broke her nose. FML
Today, I went to prom with my two friends. I was ditched by my prom date because he had “other plans.” The weird thing is that when we got to the prom location, I saw him with another date. FML
Today, I was taking a shower. Having epilepsy, I seized, tripped over the edge of the tub, and smashed my face against an open toilet, breaking my nose. FML
Today, if you ever need reminding that parents blatantly have a favorite child, remember that my mother tried to fistfight my sister’s ex-husband AND his mother when they weren’t treating my sister right, but she invited my ex and the woman he cheated on me with to a family dinner. Thanks Ma. FML
Today, I worked with a sweet old lady. She refused to cook most of the food on the menu, and the food she did cook was super oily. When she received complaints about it, she blamed me for not draining the oil. When the customer defended me, she then told the customer it was her job to drain the oil. FML
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