Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML
Today, I learned to never put a just-bought-about-an-hour-ago-from-the-grocery-store frozen solid turkey in the turkey frying pot. My job’s banquet hall was burnt to a crisp and the fire department came. The Thanksgiving potluck was ruined. Oh, and I was fired. FML
Today, to impress my date with dinner, I spent hours prepping and cooking. Just as I was about to serve her, I realized I'd left the stove on and my kitchen was on fire. As the fire trucks arrived and my date looked on in horror, I couldn't help but think, "My cooking is so hot it literally set the house on fire." FML
Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML
Today, I made Christmas dinner. I live in a block of flats, and I was cooking for two hours. The smoke alarm went off after 10 minutes, but it's so high up that I couldn't reach it to turn it off, so I had to fan it off every five minutes, then five minutes later it would go off again, and so on. The neighbors complained. FML
Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML
Today, our freezer was full because my Dad got a free turkey from work. Thing is, my mom bought a pre-made ham, even though she knows my dad brings home a turkey every year. Why? Because of all the prep work that goes into making the turkey, including clearing out the kitchen, and throwing it into the oven. FML
Today, I volunteered to host Christmas dinner for the first time. I forgot to thaw the turkey. We ate sides, wine, and sat in disappointment while the turkey slowly defrosted in the sink. I'm never doing this again. FML
Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML
Today, I found a wounded turkey in our backyard. I brought it inside, put it in a cage, and tended to its wounds. I then left. When I got back home, I smelled the wonderful aroma of my mother's cooking. She had prepared a turkey, the one I'd rescued. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Deez_Knots 10
What a dummy. It could’ve been worse. You could’ve let him try and fry it.
RichardPencil 32
What a dumbass! Doubling the temperature on a relative scale (like Fahrenheit or Celsius) only increases the temperature by about 40% on an absolute scale (Kelvin, Rankine) The temperatures recommended by experts are based on the combined convection/conduction problem to give optimal results. Still, 8 hours sounds too long.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (24)
Deez_Knots 10
What a dummy. It could’ve been worse. You could’ve let him try and fry it.
RichardPencil 32
What a dumbass! Doubling the temperature on a relative scale (like Fahrenheit or Celsius) only increases the temperature by about 40% on an absolute scale (Kelvin, Rankine) The temperatures recommended by experts are based on the combined convection/conduction problem to give optimal results. Still, 8 hours sounds too long.
PenguinPal3017 19
Yeah, doubling a number with an arbitrary zero doesn't make sense. The entire plan didn't make sense, but that part in particular is devoid of science.
008GGG 14
It would take 8 hours for a 24 lb turkey. That’s a big turkey. But they’re out there.
littlekellilee 45
Have you ever tried cooking a big Turducken? We went exactly by the instructions for its size, cooked it all day, and STILL ended up having dessert first while waiting for the internal temp to rise enough.
RichardPencil 32
A turducken is THREE birds! Let's not even get into the intricacies of the inter-bird thermal contact resistances!
Glowworm56 27
Does he also think he can roast marshmallows by simply tossing the entire bag into the oven as well?
EmDizzle2007 28
is your cousin Ryder??
LilianHeart 6
Could've been done in 15 minutes in the microwave.
RichardPencil 32
No. Sorry.
sel3578898553255 7
stupid.
colombia_mami 9
🤣
OnReceivingEnd 18
"Way to go, GENIUS. What are you going to do for your next trick, prove the world is flat?"
Paul B. Gyurcsanszky 14
Your cousin must buy a lot of ACME products. Has he caught that Road Runner yet?
Mikaela Hiatt 4
Do you guys normally celebrate thanksgiving 4 days late...?
julfunky 29
You realize that FMLs don’t immediately post, right?
JenniF_fml 9
I wasn't aware that ovens had a 650F setting
tmj25789 23
I'm confused on why it was going to take 8 hours in the first place. when we made a 24 lb. Turkey, it only called to cook for 3 1/2 to 4 hours at 350.