Today, my cockgoblin of an ex showed up at my house, begging me to take him back. This guy, with his friends' help, faked being kidnapped just so he could use the "trauma" to guilt me into sleeping with him after he "escaped". When he finally left, he yelled that I'm a selfish bitch. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML
Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He said, "Yeah well, you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend of over four years ago decided to turn up outside my house at 1 a.m., drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML
Today, a guy I went out with twice, and slept with once, came knocking on my door, hysterically crying. Apparently his wife found out about “us” and kicked him out. He’s now asking where he can put his stuff, since he’s now homeless. I had no idea he was married, and she’s now looking to fight me. FML
Today, my soon-to-be-ex husband threw an epic tantrum, with crying, snotty nose, throwing himself on the floor, grabbing me by my feet, begging me not to leave him, and that he’s “so sorry” after I confronted him about the sexts and nudes he’s been sending to another woman. FML
Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML
Today, my psycho ex showed up at my doorstep to beg me to take her back, so I pulled my gun on her. I just found out she's pressing charges. FML
Today, my ex dropped our son off at the same time as I was having my women's support group. I've spent months telling them what a manipulative bastard he is, yet within minutes he had them so enthralled, I somehow became the bitch ex-wife, over-exaggerating about him because I'm bitter, and should "be nicer" to him. FML
Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML
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Top comments
JayElleBee 15
Cockgoblin. Well, there's a word I'm going to use for the rest of my life.
Wizardo 34
The shit people do for sex... also this guy needs help, I recommend Tiger Woods' therapist.
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Comments (87)
Wizardo 34
The shit people do for sex... also this guy needs help, I recommend Tiger Woods' therapist.
syley 5
Tiger Woods the rapist sounds like a perfect solution for him. Then he'll have true trauma to complain about!
rg350dx 29
The friends of OP's ex take the cake for probably the best wingmen of all time. Faking a kidnapping to help get your buddy laid? That's ******* commitment right there.
Dawnstempest 17
@33 That's a true wingman.
zanoty 17
That may be my favorite comment ever
summerguy97 16
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Get him kidnapped for real!
joedirtxtc 5
Idk why this is getting voted down lol I for one love this idea.
wildperson 8
Because it's illegal and childish?
niallo 23
This should be an easy one. It's got all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship written all over it. So I think " Fuckoff And Die" should come close to an appropriate response.
JayElleBee 15
Cockgoblin. Well, there's a word I'm going to use for the rest of my life.
JennaNGood 21
My thoughts EXACTLY
AngelSpit 18
Every time I talk to my one ex (we're actually really good friends) I answer the phone with "how's it goes my code guzzling knob goblin" but my absolute Faves are "analy regurgitated come bubble" and "twat waffle"
PoopNuggetLeader 4
16, should that have really been shared?
SwaggCapone 11
Yeah I'm pretty sure nobody cares 16
Sillabub 15
Thank you for entering "cockgoblin" into my vocabulary. I'll wield it happily.
golden_warrior 23
With great power word like this comes great responsibility! Only if you accept then you may use this word
NaN101 27
Ditto.
denden_mushi 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I'm surprised that he was able to get away with that. I don't know whether this is an fml for you for having a crazy ex who would go this far or sex or a you deserve it for falling for a plan so stupid. I'm going with the latter.
denden_mushi 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
If you know your ex is crazy and he comes one day with this plan, would you honestly have sex with him?
JayElleBee 15
She didn't have sex with him. That's why he called her a selfish bitch.
SystemofaBlink41 27
I actually didn't realize she hadn't had sex until you said it. The way it was written seemed to imply it had happened in the past...
denden_mushi 11
12 - I didn't realise that. Thanks for pointing it out, since it wasn't clear when I first read it.
NeinKittenz 20
I'm going to have to use cockgoblin now.
xtna 9
Glad you're not as dumb as he thought you were.
SystemofaBlink41 27
Cockgoblin= New Spiderman villain?
flockz 20
nope new **** series. Spiderman: Return of the Cockgoblin in a world where a menace roams the streets in search of young virgins to thrust his evil into, a hero must erectify. spiderman must protect these virgins and find the place where he has to park his peter in order to save humanity.
SystemofaBlink41 27
Quick, someone copyright this!
Original_Outcast 23
Clockgoblin, well that's a new one.