Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML
Palindromesque tells us more.
Hi all, OP here! I'm crying with laughter-you all are hilarious, seriously! To respond to some questions-I discovered my roommate's predilection for silverware and kitchen implements when I poked my head into her room to tell her something and saw an open drawer with a good collection of my utensils. She was actually quite forthcoming, and explained in jaw-dropping detail some uses for a number of them. We've agreed that she can go ahead and keep what she's "used," and that she'll replace the implements now and in future...no cross contamination, she promises. Overall, I'm glad she's sensually creative, so I don't feel the need to resort to hot sauce or splinters! I just fear for the next time she's browsing in the kitchen-I may not be able to scramble eggs for breakfast.
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
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Top comments
Welshite 40
Actually, I would just throw them away. You wouldn't see me using them in the kitchen after she's been at them.
RedPillSucks 33
How does she use the can opener or bottle opener or the egg beater? Actually, I don't really want to know.
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Comments (142)
Palindromesque 21
Hi all, OP here! I'm crying with laughter-you all are hilarious, seriously! To respond to some questions-I discovered my roommate's predilection for silverware and kitchen implements when I poked my head into her room to tell her something and saw an open drawer with a good collection of my utensils. She was actually quite forthcoming, and explained in jaw-dropping detail some uses for a number of them. We've agreed that she can go ahead and keep what she's "used," and that she'll replace the implements now and in future...no cross contamination, she promises. Overall, I'm glad she's sensually creative, so I don't feel the need to resort to hot sauce or splinters! I just fear for the next time she's browsing in the kitchen-I may not be able to scramble eggs for breakfast.
RoseBlack123 37
That's good. But seriously, I wouldn't let her enter the kitchen if I were you
martin8337 36
Giggity?
TheCaramelKing 11
Explain the situation to her next boyfriend, while eating dinner of course.
caver 12
That's classy
clair_brodie 35
At an apartment I lived in, one of our rules was no sex toys in the dishwasher. I never though to think, what if there 'sex toys' DID belong in the dishwasher.
yscpunkchick 14
The scrambled eggs part made me think of a character Ben Affleck played: "How do you like you eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?
jesustitts 20
123. There's a song called fried or fertilized, or something along the lines. Lol. Scrambled or fertilized doesn't flow.
FireFang1331 13
Eww...gross much...get her a gift card to a Adult Shop or something! Does she like the taste of herself on her food? Seriously...bleh...
hannahsnyder69 16
Just switch to disposable utensils like plastic forks and knives; yes it harms the environment but trust me nobody wants to shove a plastic knife up there
Dynosaur_dollie 38
typically no one wants to put metallic ones up there either...
vipirius 18
100. Wait, so I'm the only one?
Chris93Jones 20
there's 2 confirmed so far
WaBrewer 11
You have experience shoving plastic knifes up your who who? I'm kidding, I know what you mean.
Sir_drink_alot 20
Sir drink a lot Uses only the finest silverware to satisfy his fair lady
Martinez0285 28
I hear sporks are nice this time of year :)
blackonblight 33
100, you obviously avoid any stories from hospitals, because metal eating utensils are quite common on the 'that doesn't go there' lists.
fukre 3
Well.. Thinking about such utensils after knowing this, not possible In my case... I will buy new ones...
Jaevwyn 17
Try giving her a pizza cutter!
martin8337 36
Giggity.
incoherentrmblr 22
I guess she likes to eat in...
woopig1993 13
is she hot? is she single?
luuluu5 8
Eat using a knife only, i dont think shes going to shove a knife over "there"
blackonblight 33
Oh you innocent soul... *pats on head and points towards the hospital lists of items removed from orifices posted online*
AngryD 9
gross lots and lots of bleach and a std resistant suit
hugginsman76 10
try putting something very unpleasant on one of them, like hot sauce or something