Today, my five-year-old son threatened to kill another kid at school. I told the teacher I would have a talk with my son about how that’s not okay. The teacher replied that I’d better call the cops in case he “follows through.” Did I mention the kid is five? FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML
Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter is absolutely miserable and constantly putting herself down, as she has been for a week. What happened a week ago? She bumped into a stranger at Walmart, apologized, and the guy told her, “Nope, not good enough. You need to die.” Who says that to a child? FML
Today, my son warned me that unless I get his older brother to stop picking on him, he’d do it himself. I didn’t take it seriously, until I got home from work to find he'd had beaten his brother unconscious. His justification was that he's warned me he’d "do it himself.“ FML
Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML
Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML
Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML
Today, I got called to my son's school again because he punched a girl. Every time he gets in a fight, he justifies it by saying he only hits bullies he catches hurting other kids. His teachers even agree he only hits the bullies like that girl, but it’s becoming a huge problem. FML
Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
You ought to ask Lauren Boebert for advice on what kind of gun you should get your kid to really own the libs in kindergarten. Remember, life is only sacred before birth.
poopface82 25
Wow, back in my day kids didn’t start killing until they were at least ten. What happened to this country?
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Comments (3)
poopface82 25
Wow, back in my day kids didn’t start killing until they were at least ten. What happened to this country?
IHaveThePower 18
You can get exemptions to switch him to other schools, and whoever's in charge of it will probably be very understanding when you explain you'd like him taught by people who have more than two brain cells to rub together at once.
RichardPencil 32
You ought to ask Lauren Boebert for advice on what kind of gun you should get your kid to really own the libs in kindergarten. Remember, life is only sacred before birth.
tiptoppc 21
And pin a fiver on the ones that make it out of the canal, send them on their way and wish them good luck! Although it’s likely we’ll have nuclear war before that kid can even act on the threat and the problem will be gone for everyone.