The Top

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Dat ass

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 11:01

Today, I got a slap because my 8 year-old stepson has such a big mouth, he couldn’t resist pointing out a nearby white woman had a "phat butt" and should "give it back to the black lady she stole it from." I blame his racist old grandad for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 052

You deserved it 206

By NinjaPanda88 - 01/08/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 936

You deserved it 16 907

By Benji - 22/01/2009 12:06 - France

Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 533

You deserved it 65 432

By BlueyedKat - 11/04/2016 17:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 285

You deserved it 2 609

By Tick - 20/08/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 661

You deserved it 243

By Cookie - 22/12/2011 18:11 - South Africa

Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 749

You deserved it 8 529

By FGum - 30/07/2009 05:56 - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 470

You deserved it 87 886

By Anonymous - 04/04/2016 22:46 - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 787

You deserved it 7 392

By AML - 31/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 292

You deserved it 15 337

One of those people

By Vercsi - 19/02/2015 15:47 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, my attention-seeking, insanely thick co-worker explained that due to her new diet she can't eat bread. She "can eat pizza" though. When we pointed out that they’re pretty much made of the same ingredients, she wouldn’t believe us. I sit right behind this idiot every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 333

You deserved it 2 771

By failure - 28/10/2013 00:41 - United States - Shreveport

Today, my fiancée of 2 years and mother of my son, who is also pregnant with our second son, commented on how lucky two friends getting married were to have found each other. I said that we're just as lucky. She responded, "No. They actually love each other." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 644

You deserved it 4 640

Shout the victory

By dogpatch087 - 02/01/2020 03:00 - United States - Ventura

Today, while climbing a mountain, I got to the top and then put both of my arms up in a victory kind of way only to trip on a rock and fall into a cactus plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 801

You deserved it 511

More than enough, thanks

By umbrella - 24/07/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, a man held a door open for me while I fished my umbrella out of my very cluttered bag. As I was opening my umbrella, I turned to thank him for being such a gentleman. Instead, a tampon that had apparently wedged itself into the folds of my umbrella flew into his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 360

You deserved it 5 991

By 99Problemsandfml - 08/11/2012 19:03 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 533

You deserved it 2 522

By DreamsDontComeTrue - 05/02/2015 06:15 - United States - Newport News

Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 330

You deserved it 6 494

By Lemonhead - 21/07/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 047

You deserved it 3 805

By nonmormon - 18/07/2009 16:14 - United States

Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 205

You deserved it 4 301

By Annomymous - 23/01/2015 18:12 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 915

You deserved it 4 901

By totallyscrewedomg - 25/01/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 492

You deserved it 12 443

Jesus is my social media manager

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 986

You deserved it 3 913

By DuChaillu - 27/01/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 197

You deserved it 27 894

By Hatilic_ - 14/06/2019 20:00

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 151

Genius

By joshua - 25/01/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today, but he had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can see if he can go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 070

You deserved it 2 533

By alice5000 - 07/11/2008 05:47 - France

Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 472

You deserved it 70 274

By L - 16/10/2012 22:59 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 651

You deserved it 6 914

By swimfaned - 09/01/2015 11:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she's afraid of my ex-wife. This is the third one in a row to use that very reason. The judge still won't accept my pleas for a restraining order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 290

You deserved it 2 709

Apocalypse Now

By dacara6415 - 26/08/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a kidney infection; the symptoms include nausea and having to pee every five minutes. I had to walk six miles in the pouring rain to pick up the medication, peed in the woods twice, got honked at while throwing up on the road, and my boyfriend told me not to complain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 058

You deserved it 165

By thxmom - 04/01/2015 17:25 - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 2 543

We finally made it

By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 224

You deserved it 9 151

Young love

By Anonymous - 11/12/2021 17:02

Today, I walked in on my son having sex with his girlfriend. An hour later, I did it again and got quite annoyed, and yelled at them for having sex again. He said, "What do you mean again? We haven’t finished yet." My son has been having sex for over an hour. Man, do I feel inadequate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 547

You deserved it 2 157

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The Top

Today, I just found out I have a roommate who smokes. I can’t change roommates for at least six months. I put on the form that I wanted a non-smoker because of health issues, but someone looked at the form wrong. At the moment they’re full up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 143

Today, in a particularly crowded section of the mall, I felt someone touch my back, several times. My self-defense kicked in, I screamed to attract attention, whipped around and threw a punch. No one was there; It was my ponytail touching my back. People were staring me like I was insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 1 418

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 306

You deserved it 2 870

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 221

You deserved it 30 114

Today, as a prank, my friends put a big bucket of water on my door so that it would spill on me as I exited my room. It would have been funny if I hadn't been holding my $900 laptop as I was walking out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 808

You deserved it 3 111

Today, every guy I've dated in the last 5 years loses interest after we've had sex, no matter how long I wait. The worst part is none of them will tell me what's wrong with me, they all just act like everything is fine, whilst "phasing it out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 456

You deserved it 185