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Assholes, assholes everywhere

By badmombadkids - 24/05/2020 02:00

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 579

You deserved it 198

Kinkshaming

By no way! - 29/08/2021 17:01

Today, my funny, handsome, intelligent, caring, all around awesome boyfriend and I broke up. He introduced me to his fetish and wanted me to participate. His fetish? Dressing, talking, and acting like a baby. He wanted us to both wear diapers and pretend to be babies together. Fuck that noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 878

You deserved it 306

Graveyard remix

By Jacky-Boy - 07/08/2009 00:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 608

You deserved it 7 486

Station 19 and a half

By Madisson Tharp - 26/10/2020 11:42

Today, while working on an ambulance, I got a call from my boss saying I’m fired for being sick too often. I cried in front of every patient for the last seven hours of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 488

You deserved it 349

Madisson Tharp tells us more.

Madisson Tharp 7

Monday 26 October 2020 9:48

Hey wow I didn’t know my FML was posted but I was in EMT school so the job I got fired from was a restaurant. I had worked for that company for almost five years and the times I called out I had actual doctors notes so I was a little devastated. But i work in a hospital now and make quadruple what I mass there so no worries now!! And yea, he was an asshole

By Stormy - 27/02/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 067

You deserved it 13 992

Incel vibes

By unlucky - 05/08/2009 16:29 - South Africa

Today, I was talking with a close friend (who is a virgin) about why he didn't want to have sex with a prostitute. He told me that, "It's not nice to know that the girl you are having sex with has slept with half the country." He then added, "That's exactly why I wouldn't have sex with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 255

You deserved it 65 262

Great

By Jordan - 10/08/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 029

You deserved it 197

Too. Much. Information.

By knnev - 05/09/2021 08:01

Today, I had to explain to my mother that she needed to buy a new mattress, telling her that we could hear the springs rattling every time she had sex with my dad. She then went on to explain that that is why they have sex on my bed when I'm not home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 685

You deserved it 188

By jkon - 04/08/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend and told her I was mowing my lawn. She responded, "It's about time, it keeps getting caught in my teeth!" I was referring to the lawn outside of my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 288

You deserved it 54 447

Whoops

By Anonymous - 02/08/2009 01:29 - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friends and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 676

You deserved it 4 117

By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 17:35 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 087

You deserved it 1 842

By Allenburg - 18/01/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 756

You deserved it 7 545

Intruders!

By wtf babe? - 29/06/2020 14:02

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 762

You deserved it 173

By Ace - 01/04/2016 02:17 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, this guy I was seeing dumped me for "bombarding" him with text messages. I'd sent him one text asking if he was okay, after he stood me up 2 nights in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 888

You deserved it 1 814

By bossgroper - 23/07/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 957

You deserved it 5 531

Three's company

By cllutz - 07/02/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12-month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 880

You deserved it 5 159

First time

By februarymarchapril - 04/02/2015 03:45 - United States - Austin

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 670

You deserved it 42 892

By mattdevil - 08/12/2011 18:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I went out in a storm to collect my wheelie bin, which had flown down the street. On the way back to my house, I realised my door had slammed shut and locked behind me. That's okay though, a trampoline decided to smash my window and let me in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 440

You deserved it 3 185

mattdevil tells us more.

mattdevil 4

Friday 9 December 2011 1:59

Actually if I hadn't left the house I would have been hit by glass and a trapoline that was in my front room also it wasnt my trampoline

Ant life

By LIFT - 23/07/2020 08:01

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 590

By RandomTurtle109 - 19/03/2016 12:40 - United States - White River Junction

Today, I woke up late, got ready within 10 minutes, and drove to work. I walked in and apologized to my boss. He said, "Go home, it's your day off…" Walk of Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 991

You deserved it 3 630

Come back

By Anonymous - 01/11/2021 01:59

Today, after I got into an argument with mom's boyfriend, telling him to piss off because no one wanted him, and he did so, saying he was done putting in wasted effort, now he's gone I realise how much he did for us, or that his share of the bills paid the rent. We may lose our house because of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 2 749

Comedic timing

By Anonymous - 29/01/2015 00:59 - United States - Ocean Springs

Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 069

You deserved it 4 665

Mood: Ruined

By WhyMe - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Wareham

Today, I went to work in a great mood, something that doesn't happen often. It was shortly ruined after some lady yelled at me because I accidentally shorted her one penny. Yep. One single penny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 889

You deserved it 4 038

Overreaction much?

By GamerGirl - 30/01/2010 15:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating so I broke up with him. As revenge he threw my PS3 and XBox out of the window when I wasn't in our house. I got those consoles out of the spare money my three jobs had brought in - the same three jobs I had to get because he refused to get a job of his own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 170

You deserved it 8 719

By EconM - 03/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 276

You deserved it 5 362

Busted

By far23 - 15/07/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said, "Did you have fun at the party?" I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied, "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 651

You deserved it 53 969

By totallyscrewedomg - 25/01/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 489

You deserved it 12 443

Is everything OK?

By ehbe - 27/11/2008 08:52 - France

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shouted back in unison: "We're fucking! Go away!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 121

You deserved it 8 209

By Anonymous - 09/03/2016 13:52 - Madagascar

Today, nearly six months later, my incompetent, lazy coworker still refuses to believe I didn't screw my way to the promotion both of us were competing for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 719

You deserved it 1 461

Rollercoaster

By thathoe - 12/11/2021 19:00 - United States - Cloquet

Today, I found I’m pregnant. I hooked up with my ex when my now boyfriend and I had broken up for a week. My ex doesn’t want kids. It’s most likely my ex's kid. My boyfriend has now proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 2 920

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 829

You deserved it 7 283

Today, it's the 3-month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 967

You deserved it 11 083

Today, after I went to live with my biological mom, after she convinced me she’s been off drugs while I was living with my grandparents, she gave me one of two puppies she'd bought as a gift. Then she got arrested. Turns out she stole said puppy. Some things never change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 99

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 183

You deserved it 2 172

Today, I found out why my son has been working out and taking martial arts classes. It was so he could beat his stepbrother up and put him in the hospital, as revenge for stealing his secret cash supply, over £4000. I'm too old and too tired for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 479

Today, my boyfriend was trying to describe his feelings. I asked him if he felt any emotions other than "anger." He went to get a beer and never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 391