The Top

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Nice to meet you… again

By pleaseno - 24/07/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 568

You deserved it 3 155

By theshameofit - 01/02/2011 17:42 - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 824

You deserved it 42 330

By notaprossie - 03/02/2010 08:42 - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 565

You deserved it 39 192

By D - 04/12/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 686

You deserved it 5 592

By Kyra.45 - 03/10/2013 22:46 - United States - Troy

Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 204

You deserved it 32 526

Accept this gift

By for shite's sake - 17/01/2015 22:24 - United Kingdom - Mirfield

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 691

You deserved it 3 738

No gods, no masters

By musicthief - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Finleyville

Today, I saw my music teacher, who I considered one of my role-models, on TV. Too bad it was because she'd robbed a church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 862

You deserved it 1 975

Happy Thanksgiving, sort of

By guy - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my entire family came over for Thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fistfight and only one cop car was called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 500

You deserved it 2 391

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 08:49 - United States - Crestview

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 392

You deserved it 5 234

By Craigslist is Evil. - 24/09/2013 18:12 - United States - Dickson

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 343

You deserved it 5 485

Weird accusation, lady

By wrong state for that shit - 22/08/2020 04:48 - United States

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 632

You deserved it 147

By blarghhhh - 28/02/2016 14:58 - United States - Owosso

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 083

You deserved it 1 386

By Lanthane - 31/03/2016 06:00 - France - Bordeaux

Today, after living for a while with my husband and our cat, I'm still not sure which of the two leaves the most hairs strewn around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 384

You deserved it 1 853

**** off

By Arcam89 - 22/02/2016 22:37 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 677

You deserved it 1 378

High Times

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 092

You deserved it 379

In the doghouse

By Anonymous - 22/11/2021 11:01

Today, in the middle of oral sex, I got a cramp in my tongue. Yes, it's a thing that can happen. My wife didn’t believe me, and since I’d already gotten a blowjob from her, she accused me of being lazy, selfish and no good at sex. This led to a huge argument and I’m now sleeping in my truck outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 348

By Anonymous - 12/02/2016 19:21 - United States - Boise

Today, I now know what it feels like to violently sneeze while a nurse still has a needle in your arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 112

You deserved it 1 472

Not now!

By Victim - 27/06/2009 13:47 - United States

Today, at lifeguard class, I played a victim while my peers strapped me to the backboard in the water. When I was strapped down, I got wood in a wet swimsuit. My hands were strapped down so I could do nothing to hide it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 487

You deserved it 10 101

By Anonymous - 01/01/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 261

You deserved it 3 700

Caught in 4K

By happyturtle - 01/09/2013 09:57 - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 383

You deserved it 101 668

Ready to rumble

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 222

You deserved it 21 696

By yesikilledit - 20/11/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 371

You deserved it 341

By me - 21/08/2013 23:45 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I was in love with his best friend. He confessed that he was too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 305

You deserved it 24 161

By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, I fell over on the bus. X-Rays revealed not only that I have been growing extra bones in my foot, but that when I fell, I crushed all of them. Doctors don't know how to fix bones that aren't supposed to be there, so they're just going to cut them out. Two days before Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 170

You deserved it 2 756

By Sittinginthecorner - 20/01/2016 05:42 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 649

You deserved it 1 900

Date night

By feminist - 17/06/2009 15:25 - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 262

You deserved it 77 742

By heckaza - 19/01/2016 06:47 - Australia - Werribee

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 660

You deserved it 1 946

Goop

By Thisshitisbananas B A N A N A S - 27/01/2022 16:59

Today, an irate woman came into my store, screaming that she wanted a refund for the “defective” juicer we sold her. Apparently we’re all idiots who can’t build thing properly. I work at Best Buy and she was trying to juice bananas, but got mad they kept coming out as goop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 110

By unwed - 11/12/2010 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 524

You deserved it 4 412

Good bye!

By Anonymous - 19/01/2020 20:00

Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and, instead of talking to him, I burped, and he just walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 755

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The Top

Today, I witnessed someone giving medical advice that they got from ChatGPT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 120

Today, I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, but he kept falling asleep while I was giving him a handjob. Ugh, no sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 286

Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 182

You deserved it 5 220

Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth, and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 201

You deserved it 2 725

Today, I met my SO's best friend for the first time. He gave us both a big smile and hug, and congratulated us on the pregnancy. Except… I'm just overweight, not pregnant. The entire two hour drive to his house was spent with me trying to hold back tears, and a very awkward silence between them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 285

Today, I went on a first day with a guy. It went well up until he saw my phone, loudly declared that I was ‘gross’ for having an iPhone, and then stormed out. I’m on a family plan and if it were my choice, I would have got an Android. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 260