Nearly FMLs

By CremeCakie - 15/01/2016 03:48 - United States

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before I had to go to work. We were having a month dry spell and so when I had an orgasm it lasted almost 15 minutes. I had to figure out a way to lie to my boss on the phone why I was going to be late for work while trying to stifle my moans. FML

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By bregaja - 15/01/2016 03:48 - United States - Brandon

Today, babysitting my 3 nieces, they asked me if they could play with my cat. Thinking it would be innocent, I agreed and brought them the cat. I left the room for 10 minutes for a phone call, and returned to find they had dressed him in doll clothes and were using a rope as a leash. FML.

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By yaz - 15/01/2016 03:30 - United States - Hilliard

Today, I got my septum pierced for my 19th birthday. My dad saw it and said it looked horrible and trashy and that I will never get a job. I'm glad to know he likes it. FML

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By tkdbb11790 - 15/01/2016 03:29 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why, you might ask? Because I said "warsh" instead of "wash". FML.

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By ewww - 15/01/2016 03:19 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I found out that the so-called mosquito bite I thought I had on my leg was actually a tick bite. I have no pets and it's in the middle of winter here. FML.

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By joco4 - 15/01/2016 03:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me because her parents don't want her "dating someone who isn't white." But, it's ok because they said "I'm a good man, but just not white." FML.

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By Tejanoswhy - 15/01/2016 03:02 - United States - Rochester

Today, my brother set up a proxy server at home so he can jack off to porn anonymously. FML

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By SubparAtBest - 15/01/2016 02:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that I shouldn't have let my friend move in with me and my two sons after I found a pipe and a razor with whit powder on my kitchen floor. I can't get them to leave. FML

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By Tri - 15/01/2016 02:55 - United States - Portland

Today my landlord referred to my japanese course as 'that ching-chong wing-wong ding-dong class.' Again. Just like every day since I started class 2 weeks ago. FML.

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By raydeeda - 15/01/2016 02:53 - United States - Streetsboro

Today, I was attempting to perfect a pineapple upside down cake for the first time. While flipping it over I realized it was uncooked and burned myself while trying to put it back in the oven. FML

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By EvilTurtle - 15/01/2016 02:51 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I realized that my cat has brought more joy in my life than my family ever has. FML

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By TotallyHaunted - 15/01/2016 02:51 - United States - Laurel

Today, I was watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. Snape had just been killed, and my mother decides to walk in and tell me that Alan Rickman passed away. I watched Snape and Alan die before my eyes. Harry Potter was my childhood. FML

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By Gansters12 - 15/01/2016 02:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I'm sleeping over and drinking with three girls and no parents. All three have friend zoned me. FML

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By FreddyCorluka22 - 15/01/2016 02:44 - United Kingdom - Barking

Today, I woke up and went for my morning run. My run takes me past a children's play park. I heard a shout from inside so I went to check it out. It was 4 homeless guys banging behind the slide - all fully dressed with their trousers down. Didn't even see me. That's the quickest I ever ran home. FML

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By heathen - 15/01/2016 02:35 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my mother-in-law took it upon herself to call the Buddhist monk presiding over our ceremony to tell them the wedding was postponed 5 hours due to the weather, and that he should come later in the day. I found out as I was walking down the isle and saw her pastor instead. FML

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You deserved it 0

By SanG1122 - 15/01/2016 02:33 - United States - New York

Today, while removing the blankets from my bed to wash them I saw a small (live) mouse on my bed! Since he ran away I'm scared to go to sleep in my bed in case he comes back to sleep with me. FML

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By ForbetterForworse - 15/01/2016 02:29 - United States - Alamogordo

Today, my "wife" of 2 years said she is going back to California to take a small vacation. Turns out she bought a one way ticket.

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By lildiva7620 - 15/01/2016 02:27 - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to walk my mother's dog when it decided it wanted to drag me down the sidewalk, now I'm bleeding from multiple places in my face and a bracket for my braces came off, I just went to get new wires yesterday and now I need to go back, FMl

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By Funny - 15/01/2016 02:23 - United States - Irving

Today, I was making some Nutella ice cream when it the box slipped and fell on me, the problem was that I was a friends house. My friend and his parents thought I had explosive diarrhea and even made a point to ask me a couple times. FML

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By ntm100020515 - 15/01/2016 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I try to study for the numerous exams I have coming up, my brother will not stop "practicing" his drums and marimba as loud as possible for band... FML

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By alexthevaultgirl - 15/01/2016 02:03 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I figured out why my boyfriend's mom doesn't think I'm good enough for him. She thinks having anxiety related seizures is childish, FML.

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By Leauge - 15/01/2016 02:02 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I found out my girlfriend cheated on me with my dad and she is pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 1

By Welshite - 15/01/2016 01:54 - United States - Houston

Today, I learned my coworker's idea of "a prank" is to accelerate and steer his car directly at a bicyclist, swerving and missing him by inches, as I scream in terror in the passenger seat. FML

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By FallenAngel2001 - 15/01/2016 01:49 - United States - Florence

Today, I started my period at my boyfriends house. I didn't know I started until my boyfriend pulled his hand out of my jeans, and passed out. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Gwenevier - 15/01/2016 01:44 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I learned that four separate institutions recently had electronic security breaches that left my name, address, birthday, and social security number exposed, and had my auto insurance stolen by a woman who can't seem to avoid hitting PARKED cars. I can't afford a lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 01:41 - United States - Manistee

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with a cheap costume ring. I broke it within 5 minutes on accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 01:20 - Netherlands

Today, when I entered my room my boyfriend was standing over my sink with a water-filled tampon and asked me whether the tampon gets that big in my vagina too. When I told him yes, he was disgusted. He is 23. FML

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By idefka - 15/01/2016 01:19 - United States

Today, I learned its not smart to put your ear up to a speaker to see if it's playing. I still cant hear in my left ear. FML

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By Wanted101 - 15/01/2016 01:16 - United States - Saratoga Springs

Today, I didn't have my car because it was in the shop. My mechanic uncle told me the only problem was that the gas cap was put on incorrectly. My dad was the last one to fill up my car and says if I tell my uncle he'll ground me. Here's to weeks of being mocked. FML

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By guessitsnotthatimportanttotell - 15/01/2016 01:15 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that I have scabies. I also found out that I got it from a friend who knew she had it for two months and didn't bother to tell me. FML.

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I'm still reeling from Xmas, as we got a tornado, power was out, and we got a heatwave warning with temperatures up to 37°C. Our power was off for 5 days. When it was restored, we got a flood warning, 150ml of rain, and no sign of it stopping anytime soon. Welcome to Christmas in Queensland. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

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Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 729

You deserved it 377

Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 447

Today, my spouse asked me if I could transfer some of the passion I have for buffalo wings into our relationship. FML

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You deserved it 37 589

Today, I researched how to manage chronic tailbone pain from excessive sitting. One of the most consistent pieces of advice was to lean forward when working. My posture is already so bad, my chiropractor says I'm one of his worst clients of all time. I work a desk job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

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Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

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You deserved it 4 348