ALL FML

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

By Morrissey2.0 - 17/06/2024 14:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was singing my heart out in the shower, convinced I was alone. Turns out my roommate had friends over, and they could hear everything through the bathroom vent. Now, they keep requesting encore performances of my renditions of songs by The Smiths. FML

agreeclassic 374

vote type 1 176

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 17/06/2024 12:00 - Australia

Today, I came home to find my dog had not only shredded my favorite couch cushion but had also attempted to eat the TV remote. I have no idea how to change the channel manually. It looks like I'll be watching Animal Planet forever. FML

agreeclassic 333

vote type 1 236

Contempt of court

By Just my luck - 17/06/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, it's been several weeks since I unfortunately had to tell my grandpa that I wouldn't make it to his birthday party due to jury duty. It's now the day before, which also happens to be his birthday, and I just discovered that I was excused due to them having extras and replacing me. Too late now. FML

agreeclassic 393

vote type 1 123

Kinda suspicious

By fuzzybee301 - 17/06/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, my husband claimed to have gone to a baseball game by himself. My best friend posted a story where she went to that same game. My husband’s hand was in the background. He told me nothing happened between them and they went as just friends. He didn’t tell me because he “thought I’d be mad.” FML

agreeclassic 770

vote type 1 130

Hard veto on that one

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

agreeclassic 4 207

vote type 1 1 756

Quacks

By Anonymous - 16/06/2024 15:00 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to see the doctor to find out if the injury to my foot will ever heal right, because it's swollen to the size of a bowling ball, and I was hoping to start a method of treatment to get it back to what it was like before. When I asked, the doctor said, "It might, might not." So much for that hope. FML

agreeclassic 417

vote type 1 88

Rock on!

By Anonymous - 16/06/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, ever supportive of my friends, I went to a concert and tried to really get into the music. I was jumping and dancing, only to realize I was at the wrong concert. My friend's band was playing next door. I spent half an hour dancing with strangers to music I didn't even really like. FML

agreeclassic 120

vote type 1 554

Everyone can be a 7

By Diet Time - 16/06/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I summoned the courage to ask out my best friend of 4 years. I’ve had a crush on him for a while now. He told me, “Thanks but no thanks, you’re a great friend but I don’t find you physically attractive enough to go out with.” This always happens with every guy I try to get with. It sucks to be ugly and fat. FML

agreeclassic 364

vote type 1 493

Hell no

By Notyourstepmom - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

agreeclassic 60 104

vote type 1 4 570

Agony

By I can't think of a funny username for this - 16/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, in my years of experience with skin problems, I've had boils appear in the most horrible spots you can imagine. Still, nothing compares to having like 4 or 5 in roughly the same area, especially if that area is somewhere hard to reach. Somewhere like the back of your neck. Welcome to my hell. FML

agreeclassic 404

vote type 1 63

Experimenting

By Anonymous - 16/06/2024 06:00 - United States - Englewood

Today, I woke up from a drunken daze and texted my best friend to take me back to my car. I got confused as to why our messages were green since it was iMessage. Well, come to find out I hooked up with her boyfriend in the bathroom the night before. I should mention I'm a dude, and so is he. FML

agreeclassic 101

vote type 1 641

What is wrong with me?

By I can't anymore - 16/06/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, my finally figuring out what the hell is wrong with my body has coincided with the local clinic closing for the weekend. I can't get referrals until they open again. Only three long, boring, miserable days and three long, agonizing, sleepless nights to go. And probably more even after. FML

agreeclassic 357

vote type 1 89

Taking the piss

By Anonymous - 16/06/2024 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss refused to increase my wages to the new minimum wage of £12 an hour. He says the quality of my work isn’t worth £12 and if I wanted a raise, he’d see me in employment tribunal. My boss is my dad, it’s a family business. I do 90% of the work while he sits at the bar drinking for free. FML

agreeclassic 589

vote type 1 124

Stylish

By Jenny - 16/06/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, a cute coworker came into the office with a completely new haircut. Instead of complimenting him with, "I like your hair," I said, "I like your head." He backed away slowly and avoided me for the rest of the day. FML

agreeclassic 340

vote type 1 197

Masterclass

By annoym - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

agreeclassic 19 354

vote type 1 14 257

Play 4'33"

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 23:00

Today, my switch to night shifts has coincided nicely with my neighbour buying her twin juvenile delinquent crotch goblins a drum set and a guitar. Now during the daylight hours, when I’m supposed to be asleep, all I can hear is their racket on the other side of the wall, mere feet from my head FML

agreeclassic 461

vote type 1 133

Brain worms

By Whoops - 15/06/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, it's been several weeks, I went to the doctor for an ear infection and I still don't feel too good. It was then that I realized the doctor forgot to prescribe me medication for said infection. That explains a few things. FML

agreeclassic 366

vote type 1 201

Rushed

By K.Trinity - 15/06/2024 20:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was in a rush to get to work and decided to multitask by making my coffee while brushing my teeth. Halfway through, I absentmindedly poured mouthwash into my coffee mug and took a big gulp. I spent the rest of the morning trying to get the taste of minty coffee out of my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 135

vote type 1 464

What just happened?

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

agreeclassic 58 297

vote type 1 6 177

Charity case

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I took unpaid leave for a month to work as a temp at a charity organisation, assuming it was paid due to the great benefits mentioned. During my placement, I noticed clues it was voluntary but it didn't register. At the end, I discovered it was unpaid. I get to do voluntary work for a whole month. FML

agreeclassic 90

vote type 1 788

A living meme

By Neck - 15/06/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I learned that I'm not crazy and my neck is actually swollen, albeit due to seasonal allergies and not something very serious. I feel like the "Wide Neck Mugshot" guy, only much more lame. I can't describe how uncomfortable it is, other than it feels like something's trying to break out of there. FML

agreeclassic 344

vote type 1 79

Scoville

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend made dinner. He warned me that it was spicy, but I laughed at him and said that white guys don't know spicy. Five minutes later, I had to beg for milk, with my eyes streaming and nose pouring. Turns out I was wrong. FML

agreeclassic 86

vote type 1 735

Diddums

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, due to an emergency, I ended up working for 18 hours instead of 13. I'd texted my unemployed wife to let her know this was unavoidable, but when I got home she blamed me like she thought I planned this in advance, yelled at me, and my dinner was Heinz tomato soup I had to heat up myself. FML

agreeclassic 555

vote type 1 114

Give me strength

By wtbfiber - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

agreeclassic 23 533

vote type 1 6 468

Toot toot!

By Anonymous - 15/06/2024 00:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a massive sneeze while driving. It was so strong that I swerved and accidentally hit the horn, startling the person crossing the street. They dropped their coffee all over themselves and their phone. I ended up giving them cash for a new phone out of guilt. FML

agreeclassic 332

vote type 1 269

A mess of hurt

By Anonymous - 14/06/2024 13:00 - United States - Portland

Today, my boyfriend of 10 years has a beloved wife and a gun. I never even knew he was married or that he packed heat; others outed him. His response is not one of remorse but of self-righteousness and being outright mean to me, especially fun given my dad just died, and my uncaring mom attacks me for not supporting genocide. FML

agreeclassic 472

vote type 1 300

What did they say?

By Anonymous - 14/06/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I went to the bank to find out why I still haven't gotten my refund for when the ATM gave me a cash dispenser error and cancelled the transaction, but the money was taken out of the account anyway. The error happened on Friday of last week, it's Wednesday. FML

agreeclassic 425

vote type 1 90

Shit!

By SingleSara. - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know three hours ago, before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

agreeclassic 36 466

vote type 1 3 540

Friends for miles

By mark - 14/06/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, every one of the girls in the friend group I’m in collectively agreed that I'm too soft, innocent, and adorable looking to date or hook up with. However, they expressed that they each want to get with my best friend, and asked me if I can set each of them up with him to hook up. FML

agreeclassic 420

vote type 1 120

New addiction just dropped

By Never going outside again - 14/06/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I found out about allergies suddenly getting worse out of nowhere when it happened to mine. I can hardly step outside without feeling like hell when I get back home, which was never the case before, and I'm going through allergy medicine like a drug addict (almost). FML

agreeclassic 360

vote type 1 65

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML

agreeclassic 62 656

vote type 1 8 838

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

agreeclassic 42 236

vote type 1 3 910

Today, I bought a PS4 online for my boyfriend's birthday. I put it on our joint credit card through Paypal to keep it a surprise. The company decided to ruin that surprise when they called him to confirm the transaction. FML

agreeclassic 22 913

vote type 1 6 554

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

agreeclassic 32 485

vote type 1 5 068

Today, I found out on Facebook that my supposed best friend bought a concert ticket to a show. The concert ticket cost the exact same amount as the plane ticket she told me she couldn't afford to come see me. FML

agreeclassic 41 880

vote type 1 6 461

Today, I was at Walmart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man came up to me and said, "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML

agreeclassic 30 056

vote type 1 3 521