The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Creeper

By Ugh-Lee - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 320

You deserved it 4 050

By Widespread - 18/11/2009 08:43 - Australia

Today, my 5 year old lactose intolerant daughter decided to have some chocolate. The result: me cleaning the bathroom walls at 3am, finishing at 4:30am, and then start cleaning again at 5am when her stomach contents decided I had missed a spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 319

You deserved it 4 534

Australian315 tells us more.

Australian315 0

Thursday 19 November 2009 2:37

Hi I just joined up to FML after this comment got posted (as it was mine) and i just wanted to verify some things. a) my daughter only ate chocolate because a kid at school gave her some, even though her teachers know that she cant have any dairy b) I do keep all of the dairy in our house hidden c) she only spewed at 3am because she has late reactions, eg, around 12 hours after she eats the dairy please stop saying how im a bad parent. accidents happen.

Whatever floats your boat

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 317

You deserved it 3 643

Hard no

By unemployable - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 315

You deserved it 3 590

By anonymous - 03/02/2011 05:17

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 313

You deserved it 6 461

By roadkill - 28/02/2011 15:50 - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 312

You deserved it 2 832

By Aspireworks - 29/01/2013 22:46 - United States

Today, my fiancé's mother came up to me and told me she loves that I stuck with my soon-to-be husband despite his history and condition. I have no idea what she's talking about, and she refuses to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 311

You deserved it 2 795

By screaming monkey - 04/04/2012 10:13 - United Kingdom - Whitton

Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 311

You deserved it 2 124

By Anonymous - 27/12/2009 12:49 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 310

You deserved it 2 898

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 04:49 - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 309

You deserved it 6 314

Stacy's mom…

By Anonymous - 24/06/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 309

You deserved it 4 994

Dealbreaker

By Anonymous - 17/03/2015 07:46

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 308

You deserved it 22 945

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 03:37 - United States

Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 308

You deserved it 8 617

By blehh - 14/04/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 307

You deserved it 54 687

By Anonymous - 05/01/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 306

You deserved it 8 925

Not in front of Him

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 306

You deserved it 10 357

By syco - 28/12/2009 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 305

You deserved it 7 409

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 01:31 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 304

You deserved it 2 900

One simple trick

By Anonymous - 07/02/2011 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 302

You deserved it 7 407

By Anonymous - 04/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 300

You deserved it 2 085

Celebrate!

By cstokes - 05/05/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 299

You deserved it 3 450

By drunkinriot - 03/07/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 299

You deserved it 3 057

By 1415926 - 22/01/2015 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a large envelope from a college I applied to earlier. My mom, expecting big news, made my family gather round as I opened it. It ended up being a letter of rejection from not just that school, but all three campuses of the state college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 299

You deserved it 2 784

Pay attention

By That_Indian_Guy - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Oviedo

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 296

You deserved it 9 731

By SadFace - 07/03/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 295

You deserved it 4 961

By stupidoldcar - 16/11/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, I finished installing a brand new engine in my old car. It cost just over $6000. Later, I was waiting at a red light and an uninsured drunk driver smashed into it head on. It's completely totaled. I got to drive it 5 miles. The car is worth $1000, even with a new engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 294

You deserved it 4 412

Generous tipper

By appleville - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 294

You deserved it 3 187

They're after us!

By Stevie - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 291

You deserved it 3 951

Business casual

By Anonymous - 08/04/2013 08:30

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 290

You deserved it 5 603

By Motherly Love - 14/08/2011 10:34 - United States

Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 287

You deserved it 3 024

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick up a few things from the store for him while he was at work. After picking up everything he asked for, I wasn't left with much money so I used $50 from my account. When he got home he then grumbled about me spending all of "his" money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 885

You deserved it 1 041

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 89

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 670

You deserved it 7 358

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 328

You deserved it 3 249

Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 128

You deserved it 18 105

Today, I was pulled into an argument between a woman and her boyfriend. He wanted to buy a jacket and she wanted my opinion, as a gay man, on whether it suited him. I’m not gay, I'm even married to a woman. They were very surprised because apparently I look "super gay." Other shoppers agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 027

You deserved it 188