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The all-time greatest FMLs

By Funnymann - 22/01/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 444

You deserved it 3 907

By lackadaisy_leah - 15/05/2013 16:12 - United States

Today, I posted a Facebook status about how I hoped to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. A couple of hours later, I saw a comment on it saying he'd never done anything bad enough to deserve that kind of torment. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 443

You deserved it 9 119

lackadaisy_leah tells us more.

lackadaisy_leah 15

Thursday 16 May 2013 1:22

OP here. My mom is super awesome, and it was actually really funny. I just thought sharing it with FML would be fun. :) As far as the status, it wasn't an attention thing, I was just remarking on an elderly couple I saw walking the mall and wanted to post about it. The bit about my boyfriend was just an add-on.

Stinker

By taman - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN!" in front of the whole restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 440

You deserved it 5 481

By Anonymous - 09/08/2013 14:22 - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 438

You deserved it 15 175

Teen spirit

By Dee - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying, "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 437

You deserved it 22 298

By nightbirdblue - 31/05/2013 18:00 - United States

Today, my mom has gone completely insane and insists we only flush the toilet or wash our hands at the start or end of the day, "to save on bills." My young sister thinks it's the best idea ever. My mom makes our food, and my sister just loves to touch everyone's faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 435

You deserved it 2 913

nightbirdblue tells us more.

nightbirdblue 27

Saturday 1 June 2013 4:58

I know. I tried to explain, but that got me screamed at. My mom accused me of acting like the parent and cussed me out.

By SchoolSucks - 19/02/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 434

You deserved it 3 215

By fatty - 23/09/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 433

You deserved it 15 702

By Anon - 11/09/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 432

You deserved it 2 986

By Satan - 15/03/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 430

You deserved it 9 192

By Kutakito - 15/04/2013 20:18 - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year-old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 430

You deserved it 12 300

Benched

By fmlprobot - 04/06/2009 23:48 - United States

Today, my baseball team had a game and one of our best players was injured sliding into first. I'm pretty fast so when the coach called my name I grabbed a helmet assuming it was finally my chance to get in the game. Turns out he just wanted me to get ice. The entire team couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 429

You deserved it 4 685

By emopoe - 09/10/2013 18:25 - United States - Salem

Today, I realized I can't afford to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years, as we split the rent. I'll need a second job just to get out of my bad relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 428

You deserved it 8 305

emopoe tells us more.

emopoe 12

Friday 11 October 2013 17:36

OP here. I can't live with a roommate, did that for 4 years and learned a lot about what happens when your roomie doesn't come up with their half of the rent, and lost way too many friends that way. It would be worse than what I'm dealing with now. Our apartment is already the cheapest in town, I don't have parents or friends to move in with. The bright side is, my boyfriend is NOT abusive. And to the nasty comments that say YDI for using him for money, I clearly stated we split the rent.

By tpj24 - 08/01/2014 00:00 - United States - Ankeny

Today, I had to explain to one of my high school students that the importance of Pearl Harbor was not, in fact, because the Japanese stole the US pearl supply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 428

You deserved it 3 971

tpj24 tells us more.

tpj24 2

Saturday 11 January 2014 3:35

Rest assured that I set the student straight.

Slow down

By Anonymous - 19/09/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "Slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple of little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street, calling me a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 427

You deserved it 4 391

Added flavor

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Omaha

Today, I came into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. My mother was milling the meat around the skillet with the cat's poop scooper as a spatula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 426

You deserved it 3 022

By neverdateaclosetcase - 17/11/2010 18:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 425

You deserved it 13 530

Little shit

By fuck kids - 06/06/2013 18:24 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turdwaffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 424

You deserved it 3 457

By anonymous - 21/11/2009 08:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 421

You deserved it 2 924

By Danners88 - 11/11/2009 04:36 - Australia

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 418

You deserved it 2 858

By pops up - 01/12/2011 22:25 - United States

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 413

You deserved it 10 667

Kinda sus

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, my toddler stood up in a shopping cart and fell, giving himself a black eye. Later, while at a restaurant, he tried to stand up in his high-chair. I quickly blurted out, "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. The waiter wouldn’t stop glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 412

You deserved it 10 708

By Anonymous - 26/04/2014 11:36 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 411

You deserved it 3 974

By not gay in AL - 11/05/2014 17:57 - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I loved him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 408

You deserved it 5 496

Cough up

By Anonymous - 18/11/2013 18:37 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, my water got cut off. The previous homeowners owed the water company over $300, and the company doesn't believe that I'm not them. The supervisor told me this will keep happening until I pay up. I need a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 408

You deserved it 2 918

By Anonymous - 23/03/2014 04:05 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 407

You deserved it 5 127

By Anonymous - 10/05/2014 22:11 - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 407

You deserved it 13 715

By hotelbound - 21/05/2013 00:37 - United States - Florissant

Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 406

You deserved it 2 999

What the **** does this mean, dude?

By Anonymous - 16/10/2013 17:37 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 405

You deserved it 10 425

By crazytown - 10/04/2014 15:50 - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 404

You deserved it 4 683

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The Top

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 864

You deserved it 16 329

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 518

You deserved it 3 774

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he'd ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said "Shit! It's probably my girlfriend!" I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 162 002

You deserved it 16 421

Today, if my blood pressure rises too high I get migraines that cripple me for days, even with medication. I can’t let myself get stressed, I can’t exercise, I can’t stand up too fast if I’ve been sitting or lying down, I definitely can’t have sex, and I also can’t drink coffee. Someone shoot me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 129

Today, we received the answer to a report we filed against a calculus teacher from our high school, who was sexually harassing several girls from our group, most of them still underage. They won't sack him because he's a tenure teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 132

Today, I met my SO's best friend for the first time. He gave us both a big smile and hug, and congratulated us on the pregnancy. Except… I'm just overweight, not pregnant. The entire two hour drive to his house was spent with me trying to hold back tears, and a very awkward silence between them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 655

You deserved it 287