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By aussie worker - 23/03/2017 14:00

Today, it was my first day at a new job as a waitress for a wedding function centre. As I was opening the door to collect dirty plates from the guests, I bumped into a colleague carrying a tray full of full champagne glasses, all of which fell and smashed on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 466

You deserved it 431

By mini matthylde - 19/11/2015 09:57 - France - Nantes

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 55

By Anonymous - 01/09/2011 10:52 - United States

Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 423

You deserved it 4 759

By mainlaw - 04/12/2009 17:33 - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 001

You deserved it 47 330

By DroppedTheSoap - 25/04/2019 20:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 340

By Anonymous - 13/09/2014 14:39 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 334

You deserved it 5 091

By Anonyme - 04/01/2011 11:30 - Algeria

Today, my mom corrected all the spelling mistakes in my diary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 90

This week's illustrated FML

By soooglam - 12/11/2015 02:35 - France

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 586

You deserved it 64

By checkup - 15/07/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Spicy

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 376

You deserved it 5 094

Neverending

By Covid3.0 - 12/03/2022 16:00 - United States - Livermore

Today, despite getting all vaccinations and taking all precautions, I've tested positive for Covid. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 382

By nurse - 03/11/2010 12:08 - Reserved

Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 617

You deserved it 5 467

By neige - 24/02/2009 00:29 - Sweden

Today, I’m in Sweden. This morning, I went out to get the mail in my pajamas. Well, it doesn’t only happen in the movies: if you slam the door, all the snow of the roof will fall on your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 115

The Fall

By Anonymous - 09/05/2019 18:00

Today, as a restaurant hostess, I fell into the fountain at work while carrying a high chair in front of several large parties, who all promptly laughed at me. We were so busy, I had to stay and finish my shift soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 008

You deserved it 219

By Anonymous - 11/05/2009 17:14 - Canada

Today, after a long day of working on my feet, I came home looking forward to soaking my aching feet in a foot spa. When I was pulling the machine out of a closet, it slipped and came crashing down on my feet. It broke. So did three of my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 109

You deserved it 4 443

Party hard

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 568

By 21! - 03/07/2012 01:53 - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 415

You deserved it 6 854

By J…… - 24/11/2009 18:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity, which is known to be "the scariest film ever." After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 636

You deserved it 35 518

By Alisterine - 24/08/2014 17:31 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 254

You deserved it 14 651

Oh, hai Mark!

By SHAME! - 20/05/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 2 058

By haileelouxxx - 22/08/2014 12:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 648

You deserved it 5 434

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 212

You deserved it 6 071

Not coming out

By HidenSeek - 08/05/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother called them "sinners" claiming they'll "burn in hell twice". Then she said, "God doesn't like gays." I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 100

You deserved it 17 114

It's the thought that counts…

By Charlatan126 - 03/02/2021 11:00 - United States - Hilliard

Today, I finally had a man say, "I love you" to me in a sincere tone. It was a customer, who was high, over the phone. I said it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 166

By Anonymous - 14/08/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 532

You deserved it 4 001

Shitty situation

By thatguythere858 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 108

You deserved it 2 860

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 08:21 - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 792

You deserved it 38 651

By maryrain - 11/08/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, was the first day of my sophomore year. While receiving my schedule, I burst into tears at the sight of a disfigured midget. I'm now seen as the school bitch for making fun of a midget. I have a genuine fear of midgets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 583

You deserved it 45 017

maryrain tells us more.

maryrain 0

Friday 12 August 2011 0:12

I'm not saying that all midgets are disfigured. what I meant was that that particular person has an actual disfigured face. And yes, I do have a legitimate reason for my fear. I don't feel inclined to share that reason because then all of the people who already believe I was being an ass will still not agree with me. the last thing I wanted to do was hurt/insult her.

Caught in 4K

By Abby - 18/07/2023 12:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Spicy

Today, I absentmindedly posted a story of me and my boyfriend to my main stories instead of my “Close Friends” list where my husband is excluded. My husband saw the post. I’m dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 4 174

By samabomination - 02/06/2013 08:29 - United States - Monroeville

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 198

You deserved it 5 697

Ouchies

By Ouch - 01/06/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 796

You deserved it 347

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The Top

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Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 165

You deserved it 5 375

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 080

You deserved it 2 945

Today, I climbed into my junky old car and was pleasantly surprised that the AC came on. I patted the dash and said, "Thanks, buddy." Ten minutes later, as I was tearing down the highway, the engine threw a rod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 112

Today, I told him that I love him. He said the same to me. I do, with all of my heart and every bone in my body, but we would have to leave every bit of our lives to be together. Families who are on different sides of the gun. A history of hate among two nations. It's too much to take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 187

Today, my husband bought me some new perfume. It wasn’t really my style but he insisted I try it. Afterward we had some of the best, most vigorous sex of our entire relationship. Later, while visiting his parents, I found the same perfume in his mom’s bathroom. It’s her 'special occasion' scent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 124

Today, my father lectured me on the “sanctity of marriage” while his third wife bawled in the corner. I'm just gay, not a raging cunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 89