The Top

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Indoctrinated

By workfordayzz - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 618

You deserved it 9 112

Bathroom police

By badparent - 08/04/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 098

You deserved it 6 962

By "mala_19" - 04/09/2017 23:15

Today, once again, my boss posted a selfie with a Snapchat filter on the company's Facebook page. She doesn't see how it's unprofessional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 273

You deserved it 272

Face the truth

By Anonymous - 05/07/2022 10:00

Today, my husband has increasingly been asking for doggy style, which is not as romantic as missionary, so I asked him why the change. Apparently some of my pregnancy stretch marks make a goofy face and he can’t concentrate from trying to stop giggling, so his solution, flip me over and go at it from behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 270

You deserved it 463

Call the cops

By Becca - 29/08/2019 04:00 - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 297

You deserved it 448

By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 007

You deserved it 55 709

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Lexi - 04/09/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 902

You deserved it 653

Speak to me

By Lonely - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I felt so lonely that I left the TV on for company. Then the power went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 130

You deserved it 5 902

By Ari - 16/06/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 928

You deserved it 3 731

Great date, thanks!

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 18:50 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 997

You deserved it 84 015

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 718

You deserved it 3 454

Scammers gonna scam

By sarahwittman - 13/06/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 381

You deserved it 4 907

By dangerousknitter - 08/10/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 342

You deserved it 3 850

By Lena - 27/03/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 058

You deserved it 7 598

Cheerleader vs Cameraman

By FML Approved - 27/09/2017 03:00

Cheerleading? No... This is Sparta!

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 98

Poor Mickey

By oh, good - 15/09/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 626

You deserved it 273

By Forgotten - 09/08/2010 14:38 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 267

You deserved it 28 643

By yup - 05/06/2011 07:23 - United States

Today, I thought it would be hot if I sent my boyfriend kinky message. He didn't reply so I sent a few more. 10 minutes later I got a reply saying, "Honey, this is his mom and you should be a little less desperate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 220

You deserved it 57 309

Get on with it

By Anonymous - 07/04/2014 00:20 - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 012

You deserved it 3 559

Get the message

By kfoehslfns - 01/08/2010 08:45 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 479

You deserved it 12 800

Slutshaming is not OK

By musik_ist_liebe - 21/03/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, my 13 year-old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 251

You deserved it 64 193

By kaheera4 - 04/04/2014 22:38 - United States

Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 166

You deserved it 4 001

Bazinga

By Anonymous - 20/03/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 732

You deserved it 17 091

By off to the whorehouse, then - 31/03/2014 21:03 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 963

You deserved it 7 814

By disgusted - 29/03/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 951

You deserved it 5 359

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 15:54 - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 779

You deserved it 4 842

Sorry Danny de Vito…

By Anonymous - 28/05/2021 14:00

Today, I met my celebrity crush in an official capacity, I was completely tongue tied and when I stood to shake her hand, I tripped and fell with my face in her cleavage. She thought it was funny, but I was mortified and my boss suspended me until security footage proves I didn’t do it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 208

You deserved it 181

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 10:23 - Singapore

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 425

You deserved it 38 128

Lonely, so lonely

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 05:59 - China - Shanghai

Today, I realised that my social anxiety, fear of people's judgment, social isolation, you name it, have got so bad that I literally have no interests. It got to such a point that I even have nothing to search up in the internet, so I just stare at an empty browser page wondering what should I do with my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 216

Better Call Saul

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 16:01

Today, despite having the same parents, I'm a lawyer and my brother is a redneck. He called wanting my advice, because he tried to book a prostitute online but when she turned up, she was a Latvian mail-order bride, and he wants me to fix it with my "big city law degree." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 177

You deserved it 120

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The Top

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 245

You deserved it 45 811

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 415

You deserved it 8 337

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 796

You deserved it 26 383

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 709

You deserved it 35 347

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 641

You deserved it 3 345

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 680

You deserved it 767