The Top

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My ears! My ears!

By Anonymous - 13/06/2019 05:15

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 257

By crappingrapping - 21/05/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 219

You deserved it 43 841

There there

By Anonymous - 14/05/2022 10:00

Today, my husband came home mid-day and told me he could never EVER go back to our local Starbucks. A fart had gone wrong. Horrifically wrong. On a day he wore shorts. Have you ever had to hold in laughter while comforting someone having an existential crisis? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 158

Misunderstanding

By vanessa_d15 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 137

You deserved it 6 765

By jessinono - 17/05/2013 16:16 - United States

Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped my butt. A man as old as my dad drove by, yelled "Wooo, spank that ass! DAMN!" and kept leering at me before finally driving off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 664

You deserved it 5 553

By Anonymous - 02/10/2010 04:28 - United States

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 458

You deserved it 41 366

By Sunshine56 - 10/11/2016 03:11 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 535

You deserved it 780

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 675

You deserved it 8 173

Uber Thiefs

By lukey101 - 11/03/2021 17:00 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my Uber passenger stole one of the rear floor mats out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 99

Makes sense

By lovegame - 28/06/2014 15:48 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 066

You deserved it 26 973

By Anonymous - 20/07/2019 22:06

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 926

You deserved it 133

Traumatized

By Anon - 31/10/2009 11:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal-phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved, so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 743

You deserved it 12 219

Scoundrel

By oops123 - 15/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for two months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed, he says, "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I don't pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well, technically, my fiancée." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 570

You deserved it 14 275

By Lily - 02/09/2015 10:09 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 950

You deserved it 1 553

By unforgettablee - 29/04/2013 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 767

You deserved it 13 054

By Ignored - 13/07/2011 06:47 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 358

You deserved it 9 378

By Anonymous - 16/06/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 719

You deserved it 11 012

By Anonymous - 11/07/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 617

You deserved it 3 290

Something for nothing

By Anonymous - 05/08/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 500

You deserved it 193

By Anonymous - 21/04/2013 17:36 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 231

You deserved it 6 457

By Bekah - 04/07/2011 13:24 - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 652

You deserved it 4 452

Make your mind up

By Jason Brazil - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 214

You deserved it 566

By Anonymous - 02/07/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 878

You deserved it 3 582

By nikaea - 23/05/2014 22:44 - United States - Everett

Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 948

You deserved it 3 566

By Username - 27/06/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 534

You deserved it 7 775

By Squeezebox - 30/08/2017 16:00 - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 260

You deserved it 590

By SofiMarti - 24/08/2019 00:02 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my mom was named principal of the school I go to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 240

By pathetic - 20/08/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 716

You deserved it 29 910

Getting hot in here

By blocked_by_fire - 17/04/2012 18:13 - United States - Pullman

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 804

You deserved it 4 535

By Inconnu - 18/06/2011 05:13 - France

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 624

You deserved it 3 869

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The Top

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 488

You deserved it 21 361

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 591

You deserved it 3 115

Today, I was informed that- despite an already skeletal staff- my supervisor is leaving the company. Tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 399

You deserved it 338

Today, my 5 year-old and I walked in on a girl giving her boyfriend a blow job in the washroom at the playground. Last week we found a crack pipe on the picnic table. So many conversations I wish we could have waited for… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 301

You deserved it 181

Today, my girlfriend viciously chewed me out for not taking a sandwich to work to save money. I don't have a problem with packing lunches, but the store-brand white bread she insists on buying is disgusting. She won't listen to me, and refuses to let me buy anything else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 340

Today, I was admiring my nice clean windows. Our window cleaners have to abseil down my apartment building to get it done, so they don't come often, as it's a big job. I was enjoying the sparkling view, until a seagull shat right across my window. Guess I'm looking at that for months now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 110