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By Snickers - 12/05/2012 04:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 268

You deserved it 54 130

By Flora - 17/04/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 709

You deserved it 3 306

By authorsubmit - 04/05/2012 12:49 - United States

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 873

You deserved it 47 704

By will - 14/08/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 221

By Optimus_Prime97 - 03/05/2012 02:39 - United States

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 941

You deserved it 31 832

By ljcxo17 - 01/07/2011 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 333

You deserved it 4 585

By mafiaguy800 - 27/08/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 154

Hi!

By AlexaSt2611 - 25/08/2010 00:08 - Paraguay

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 561

You deserved it 28 436

Sexy surprise

By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 398

You deserved it 21 364

Blood is thicker…

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 13:57

Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 721

You deserved it 124

Remember MSN? Wizz!

By WeezysBaby - 28/03/2009 22:13 - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 750

You deserved it 91 730

Great support, mom

By Red curtains - 03/05/2021 11:01

Today, my mother is still insisting it must have been my fault that my husband beat me into a coma for 5 weeks, because he’s such a "nice boy from a good family" with a really successful career, so it must have been me who provoked him into it. She keeps trying to get us back together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 257

You deserved it 126

By James64138 - 15/06/2011 10:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a video of him having sex with someone from one of his last relationships because he thought it would turn me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 526

You deserved it 5 678

James64138 tells us more.

James64138 26

Monday 6 May 2013 4:41

OP here, and you're right. He was a complete idiot. I ended up dumping him a week later and I have a much smarter boyfriend now!

By shitballs_911 - 07/10/2009 11:13 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 420

You deserved it 12 335

TMI

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Godalming

Today, I sent a photo of my flat to my mother to show her how tidy I’d made it. What I didn’t realise was that my lube and sex toys were also included in the photo of the bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 2 620

Cats gonna cat

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 14:00

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 396

By MID12 - 23/03/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiancé that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117 758

You deserved it 8 733

Parenting Struggles

By FML Approved - 08/10/2017 03:00

There are a lot of FML moments when rambunctious kids are around!

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 150

By Ouchies - 01/10/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, while cleaning up, I dropped a box of thumbtacks, spilling them all over the floor. As I fumbled to pick them up, the power went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 313

You deserved it 3 802

Stereotypes

By Anonymous - 26/09/2019 06:01

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 347

By Cindy - 20/03/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 993

You deserved it 7 339

Smooth move

By nicole - 27/05/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 355

You deserved it 78 764

Gift for you

By safetyfirst - 14/07/2010 15:17 - Taiwan

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 476

You deserved it 21 489

By Noname - 14/03/2009 01:06 - United States

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 194

You deserved it 138 531

Denial

By Anonymous - 02/06/2021 16:59 - United States

Today, my little brother got a tattoo honoring our mom who abused us. The only reason I stayed was to protect him. I feel like I wasted my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 105

Too real

By ann - 05/06/2021 14:00

Today, my daughter complained that she no longer wanted to talk about poop, as it grosses her out. This is a girl who can eat a rare steak while watching a guy’s arms get hacked off on TV, but poop is where she draws the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 513

You deserved it 891

Yeet the feet

By SalonGirl - 10/03/2009 11:55 - United States

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 113 661

You deserved it 7 293

Hefty

By Fatty - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 783

You deserved it 16 306

Bird song

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 20:00

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 590

You deserved it 459

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 12:51 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 028

You deserved it 8 352

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The Top

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 220

Today, I had a group presentation. I kept zipping my jacket up and down nervously. As I waited for my turn, I realized a bunch of classmates staring at me. I forgot that in the morning rush, I only put on a jacket. I only had a bra on underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 664

You deserved it 18 447

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 292

You deserved it 5 244

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 790

You deserved it 10 933

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 905

You deserved it 91 054

Today, I feel guilty masturbating to Russian porn on the hub. Then I feel even more guilty because that's just wrong, because people in Ukraine and Russia both have much bigger problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 296

You deserved it 1 213