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New hire

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "Mom" while at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 580

You deserved it 2 961

By therosalina - 01/10/2018 10:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 898

You deserved it 178

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 16/11/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my husband waited until our honeymoon to reveal his scat fetish, because he didn’t want me to think he was too weird to marry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 888

You deserved it 180

By JoLaFritte - 07/11/2008 10:10 - France

Today, thinking that I was alone at work, I started rummaging through my nose, trying to find something interesting. It was only after about a minute that I noticed that my boss was looking straight at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 959

You deserved it 50 468

By TingBarter - 09/07/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 848

You deserved it 9 564

Shooting!

By WittyMoron - 08/01/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 3 498

Wrong sort of poking

By Anonymous - 22/09/2013 05:40 - United States - Brandon

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 231

You deserved it 9 750

By Lily_Rain77 - 08/01/2015 00:52 - Canada - Squamish

Today, my father was playing with my son and his toy animals. He picked one up and said, "What is this? Some kind of African horse?" It was a zebra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 177

You deserved it 2 795

Lily_Rain77 tells us more.

Lily_Rain77 25

Thursday 8 January 2015 19:58

the best part wad when he looked at me afterwards and he realised what .he said.

By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 591

You deserved it 8 777

By Anonymous - 08/10/2012 05:31 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 458

You deserved it 4 859

Great, just great

By Mills - 18/01/2010 11:49 - United States

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 minutes of him describing how beautiful she is, how much we look alike, and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 287

You deserved it 2 350

Hard act to follow

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 12:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 257

You deserved it 13 458

Bathroom breakdown

By heyhijello - 09/09/2013 22:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 103

You deserved it 12 739

By Maxime - 28/02/2014 00:32 - France - Paris

Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 232

You deserved it 4 492

By Anonymous - 14/02/2016 09:15 - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Today, I think I've conditioned my body to not function without technology, as I simply couldn't take a shit until I got up, fetched my phone and returned to the toilet to read stuff on here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 019

You deserved it 6 331

Lost the fight

By Anonymous - 24/12/2014 14:43 - United States - Herndon

Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run…" then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 203

You deserved it 3 987

Chatty cat

By Anonymous - 15/12/2014 16:07 - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 536

You deserved it 3 237

By NotAParabola - 07/10/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 279

You deserved it 39 271

By anonymous - 01/02/2016 06:07 - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 079

You deserved it 1 465

By mycedes - 26/10/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 566

You deserved it 38 167

By Shame - 19/09/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 133

You deserved it 3 609

By James4929 - 08/01/2010 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a long-haul plane journey home from my holiday. After 5 hours, I decided to stretch my arms whilst watching a movie. Little did I know that a little girl was approaching, running down the aisle as my arm stretched out. I accidentally clothes-lined a little 9 year old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 346

You deserved it 4 068

By tdudey123 - 11/09/2012 23:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to be a gentleman and let an old lady have my seat on the bus. Before I could even get up, she sat on my lap and wouldn't get off. I got an involuntary lap dance from a grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 990

You deserved it 2 135

tdudey123 tells us more.

tdudey123 14

Wednesday 12 September 2012 16:12

I'm just gonna comment for the badge :P And yes, she was moving around, due to the bus rattling around (I hope).

By sickday - 02/12/2018 17:30

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 982

You deserved it 278

By Anonymous - 07/09/2012 22:59 - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 591

You deserved it 5 041

By LittleRed79 - 11/11/2014 08:03 - Canada

Today, my cat tunneled her way under the covers to sleep beside me. It was really cute until she panicked in the middle of the night and practically skinned me alive trying to find her way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 594

You deserved it 4 054

LittleRed79 tells us more.

LittleRed79 39

Tuesday 11 November 2014 20:33

Umm...yeah, so she wasn't suffocating at all, this is just her own particular brand of crazy. She's a rescue and she's terrified of EVERYTHING. There was a loud noise next door that spooked her so evidently she decided that she needed to hide...as though she wasn't hidden enough already. The best part for me was when she tried to tunnel her way back in about 5 minutes later. Couldn't help laughing!

By Crouching Tiger, Hidden Retard - 06/08/2013 21:55 - United States

Today, my apparently braindead and now ex-boyfriend asked me if "this period thing" is going to happen a lot, and said that if it is, "we're so done." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 362

You deserved it 4 863

By ItGirl - 09/11/2014 02:36 - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 546

You deserved it 3 370

Why would you do this?

By harrassment101 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a female co-worker was struggling with a stack of boxes in her hands. Her pantyhose was falling down and she asked me to help her, so I pulled up her pantyhose. When I looked up, she had a horrified look on her face. She was asking me to help her hold the boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 568

You deserved it 57 443

How's the project going?

By Lewis - 11/12/2018 18:00

Fine... I guess?

I agree, your life sucks 241

You deserved it 102

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I caught my husband setting up an affair with my old school-friend. I have chronic pain, a hormone imbalance and some other issues that means I'm losing interest in being intimate at all. It hurts. I don't enjoy this either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 929

You deserved it 304

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 557

You deserved it 5 899

Today, I went to visit my grandmother. My grandfather recently died, so I had gotten her a cat for comfort. Turns out in her sadness, she had forgotten about the cat. I found its remains being eaten by ants and birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 951

You deserved it 442

Today, I found out that after moving in with my mother and her boyfriend into his place two months ago, she's breaking up with him, and leaving me stuck with him. Awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 146

Today, I made a batch of "special" brownies for a party I was going to tonight. I wrapped them up and put them on the counter with a note that said DO NOT EAT. Later on I came home from some errands to find a tray of half eaten brownies and my ten year-old sister passed out on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 229

You deserved it 59 788

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 487

You deserved it 5 610