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Get out

By Lennyr - 28/08/2016 06:36 - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my firstborn child. Somehow, my mom and mother-in-law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother-in-law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 587

You deserved it 1 106

Just browsing

By OneGirlsLife - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 055

You deserved it 298

By Anonymous - 02/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 916

You deserved it 5 504

By soliveyerlife - 21/03/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 068

You deserved it 128 139

By Badday - 23/11/2017 19:00

Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 542

You deserved it 406

By Tank - 16/07/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together, I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 679

You deserved it 780

It's the new thing!

By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 06:02

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 428

You deserved it 1 042

By fartwoman - 23/06/2010 01:41 - United States

Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 145

You deserved it 62 924

By Mike - 20/12/2017 01:30

Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 937

You deserved it 1 056

By purrfect :/ - 07/07/2016 22:34

Today, my future husband presented me with an engagement ring he had had engraved with the pet name he calls his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 436

You deserved it 1 075

Revenge!

By princess98 - 18/11/2019 05:00

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to take a shower, because he smelt awful and wanted to cuddle. After 45 minutes, he did so. I wanted to cuddle and fool around after he was done. I got rejected because he didn't want to get dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 197

You deserved it 819

Whoops

By Anonymous - 31/01/2018 01:30

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 093

You deserved it 4 891

Who knows?

By Anonymous - 08/02/2014 18:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 801

You deserved it 11 087

Winner

By Anonymous - 09/01/2020 20:00

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 141

You deserved it 1 031

Boundaries

By Sfg_926 - 26/06/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying, "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 940

You deserved it 3 616

Help me

By Backed up - 21/11/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language, "I need a suppository." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 964

You deserved it 272

By Purplexus - 02/01/2014 14:13 - Turkey - Ankara

Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 368

You deserved it 5 385

Purplexus tells us more.

Purplexus 14

Thursday 2 January 2014 19:01

Yes, this was my FML. Yeah, my dad is an awesome professor. Does anyone have any questions haha

Noise complaint

By no sleep for me - 08/01/2013 07:44

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 418

You deserved it 5 740

By Dulieu - 10/02/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 238

You deserved it 168 448

By ShadowReiku - 13/12/2012 08:39 - United States - Odenton

Today, one of the girls who has made it her job to ruin my life cornered me in the hallway at school. She tried to insult me, and for the first time in my life I had a scathing comeback. My elation quickly ended when she violently shoved my face into the water fountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 898

You deserved it 2 792

fishyrael tells us more.

fishyrael 28

Friday 14 December 2012 6:19

This is my FML. I made an account to comment. I play pen&paper D&D with my dad and she was getting on my case about playing the nerd sport and how pathetic it was. I told her that at least I can have a relationship with my father that doesn't involve him paying for abortions.

You OK?

By erin1985 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 531

You deserved it 2 983

Whatthefuckaburger

By r u kidding me? - 09/06/2020 20:00

Today, after my girlfriend continuously whined for hours about a specific burger place, I finally gave in and we drove nearly two hours to get there. Once in line, she looked at the menu, then decided everything had too many calories and wanted to go home. She doesn’t get why I’m pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 901

You deserved it 340

Just do it

By tulisa - 21/02/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 392

You deserved it 4 470

By shredded - 12/02/2011 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 329

You deserved it 56 227

By ConstructionLady - 13/11/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 748

You deserved it 2 409

By Crispy cripple - 05/09/2018 18:30

Today, my dorm's fire alarm went off. In the rush to escape, I slipped and fell off my bunk bed, breaking my ankle in two places. Crying, I told my roommates I needed help to walk. They shrugged and left after mentioning that I would slow them down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 294

You deserved it 293

By Screwed - 09/11/2012 04:02 - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 094

You deserved it 2 034

By Meg - 17/10/2018 15:30

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 121

You deserved it 602

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 336

You deserved it 5 350

By Aussie girl - 09/10/2018 15:30 - Australia

Today, while finally settling in our new house after months of being rejected for jobs as I lived in a rural area too far from everything, I heard back from my dream job. I was rejected because our new place is too far from the business. The old place would've been fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 300

You deserved it 222

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Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 516

You deserved it 4 082

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 154

You deserved it 33 666

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend at the mall. The one who I faked my death to back in Texas so I wouldn’t have to tell her I was leaving for someone else. She moved to Florida too. What a small world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 2 549

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 513

You deserved it 26 062

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 283

You deserved it 17 932

Today, I got a burn on my foot from a Pot Noodle I didn't even want. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 169