The Top

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Brute force

By please knock - 13/09/2016 23:26 - United States - Needham

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 524

You deserved it 1 230

Bounced

By Anonymous - 11/09/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 048

You deserved it 269

By Lady_Luck - 25/03/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 826

You deserved it 126 974

Market crash

By Anonymous - 17/09/2019 20:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 809

You deserved it 198

By Never Again - 09/08/2016 18:17 - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 372

You deserved it 4 313

Fake it til you make it

By aurelj1 - 03/08/2016 19:59 - United States - Colleyville

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and I'm single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 195

You deserved it 1 045

Romance isn't dead

By budda1368 - 09/10/2019 22:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 261

You deserved it 1 308

By iamchazzi - 02/12/2017 01:30 - United States - Madison

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 546

You deserved it 583

The Cheek!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 947

You deserved it 4 465

Nice

By UnluckyInk - 18/02/2013 08:50 - United States - Manlius

Spicy

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 331

You deserved it 49 783

Richard

By hot sweet.... not - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with Play-Doh and made a sculpture that looked like a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 706

You deserved it 6 218

By Butqhy - 30/06/2016 11:07

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 483

You deserved it 1 855

Andy Dwyer?

By genieinabottle - 06/02/2018 06:00 - Austria - Bad Ischl

Today, my boyfriend got rid of the full leg cast he had to wear for 6 weeks. He won't stop pissing in a bottle at night because it's more convenient than getting up. At least he empties it himself now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 092

You deserved it 356

One night

By Anonymous - 25/01/2020 01:00 - Sweden - Ängelholm

Today, I woke up after putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize what I'd done until I smelt burning plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 856

You deserved it 944

Who am I?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2016 01:59 - United States - Fulton

Spicy

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know whose name she's saying during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 337

You deserved it 1 118

By caggybandicoot - 18/06/2016 02:37 - United Kingdom - Torquay

Today, someone finally came to fix my phone line after three weeks with no Internet. The engineer reconnected the phone line to the wrong apartment. I hope my neighbour is enjoying my unlimited broadband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 763

You deserved it 1 333

caggybandicoot tells us more.

caggybandicoot 34

Saturday 18 June 2016 18:03

OP here - can't believe this got published?! I immediately phoned my ISP once I'd figured out what happened - I couldn't reconnect the line myself as I can't access the exchange box (and plus I wouldn't trust myself to be fiddling around in there anyway), and my internet has been restored. As for compensation, I should be getting a portion of my bill back as it took them so long to send an engineer out. Thanks everyone!

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

By Alexxicks - 05/03/2020 12:02

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 301

Whut?

By what did you say? - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 965

You deserved it 1 284

By black and yellow - 21/01/2013 06:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 807

You deserved it 45 776

By PsychoSarah - 06/04/2011 23:57 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt, and my boss fired me for calling the police and "making a big deal out of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 717

You deserved it 7 264

By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/05/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 772

You deserved it 2 705

Boredom

By alhummel21 - 12/02/2009 07:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181 892

You deserved it 52 097

Dumbasses

By stay in there - 17/04/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 311

You deserved it 321

By bruised - 19/05/2016 20:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 345

You deserved it 1 247

I want Jesus to come inside my heart

By Weirdo - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 957

You deserved it 40 921

By Tooth Fairy - 25/05/2018 23:00 - United States - Hays

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 710

You deserved it 279

Stranger danger!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I took my child to the park. Having been there an hour, another mum came up to me and we started talking. She then told me that one kid had been harassing her children, pointing to my child. When she asked which one was mine I pointed to a random kid. It was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 712

You deserved it 52 226

By Anonymous - 03/07/2018 15:00

Today, I was verbally harassed by a customer because I wouldn’t give her special treatment after her meal was incorrect. I offered her a refund and a coupon for a free meal, which she refused before calling me a stupid kid who wouldn’t do anything to help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 637

You deserved it 240

By filipkm - 06/05/2016 14:37 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 521

You deserved it 2 808

By Anonymous - 24/07/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 732

You deserved it 378

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The Top

The Top

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 222

You deserved it 6 116

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 734

You deserved it 3 632

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 479

You deserved it 10 504

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year-old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 003

You deserved it 4 704

Today, I went through my boyfriend's old phone to get over a gut feeling I've been having that things aren't as good as they seem. Turns out he's been taking videos of himself masturbating and sending the videos to chicks on WhatsApp, and contacting an old neighbor trying to hook up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 272

Today, an interviewer rang me back, but not to offer me the job. It was to warn me that if my psychotic mother rang him at his home address again trying to bribe and threaten him into giving me the job, then he would call the police and press charges for harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 85