The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

Y'all need him!

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 858

You deserved it 3 534

By sarahmoon - 05/05/2018 01:30

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 645

You deserved it 544

What's your emergency?

By Anonymous - 06/04/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 844

You deserved it 331

By why?? - 24/05/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 608

You deserved it 1 376

By younggrammy - 20/08/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my 14 year old daughter told me she's pregnant. I work as a public speaker for promoting celibacy and safe sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 257

You deserved it 45 548

By Anonymous - 18/05/2016 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 796

You deserved it 1 658

Repetition

By Ham - 14/06/2018 15:00 - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 261

By newbornphotog - 03/05/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 833

You deserved it 2 150

By housematefromhell - 21/07/2018 21:29

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 395

Revelations

By pey - 21/05/2020 14:00

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 696

You deserved it 166

By Jessika - 07/08/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 638

You deserved it 3 899

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 208

You deserved it 31 152

Asshats everywhere

By 404 justice not found - 21/04/2016 19:15 - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops, and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 342

You deserved it 1 572

Mismanagement

By GaymerLink - 12/08/2018 23:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 175

You deserved it 164

By She totally did not cheat - 15/08/2018 22:00

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 375

You deserved it 297

By fuck's sake - 16/04/2016 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 100

You deserved it 2 099

Gross

By ew - 12/04/2016 17:53 - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 156

You deserved it 3 072

Dress you up

By NotTheFavoriteChild - 03/04/2016 16:53

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess…" I showered, shaved, and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 503

You deserved it 1 623

Life hacks

By Zibby - 11/02/2011 05:51

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 493

You deserved it 80 934

By Anonymous - 06/09/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 284

You deserved it 288

By NotAnUglyBaby - 22/03/2016 22:40 - Mexico - Córdoba

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 376

You deserved it 1 934

Just a prank, bro

By unlucky dudebag - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 337

You deserved it 4 753

By Anonymous - 10/03/2016 01:46 - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 458

You deserved it 2 817

By Elsine - 02/10/2018 13:30

Today, after having to move home with my parents because I'm broke and can't seem to find a job, my mom found out I'm on anti-depressants. She and my dad will no longer be helping with money because she doesn't like "drugs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 320

You deserved it 261

By twofade - 25/10/2018 05:00 - United States

Today, after a year and a half of growing out my hair, I decided to get it trimmed at a Superclips. I walked in with a full head of hair and I left bald. At least it was free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 847

You deserved it 343

By Anonymous - 12/02/2016 00:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was cleaning, listening to music and sometimes singing along, I heard a knock on my front door. I turned off the music and opened the door to the police, who stated they had to investigate reports of "repeated female screams" coming from my apartment. I'm a 23 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 932

You deserved it 2 443

Big man

By susiedoggles - 05/11/2018 14:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 037

You deserved it 318

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 02:16 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 171

You deserved it 1 655

By independant - 08/11/2018 17:30 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 776

You deserved it 570

By itsjustemcee - 02/02/2016 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years and I went to visit my 85 year-old grandmother at the hospital. While I went to the restroom, she apparently told him about a guy I was seeing on the side. I have no idea who she's talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 598

You deserved it 1 628

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 217

You deserved it 2 856

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 940

You deserved it 3 505

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 209

You deserved it 10 431

Today, I was at a gas station when the cash register made a sound effect similar to one from Sonic the Hedgehog, and I pointed this out. The cashier then saw fit to go on a rant about how I need to stop focusing on video games, and get a life and a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 701

You deserved it 7 116

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in quite a while. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I realized I'd been on the elliptical machine for twenty minutes without having actually turned it on. I was just moving the pedals and wondering why I wasn’t getting tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 225

You deserved it 343

Today, I’m a nurse on a night shift and I finally got a quiet moment to eat. I heated my meal, sat down, and took one bite before my pager went off. By the time I got back 40 minutes later, someone had “cleaned up” the break room and thrown my untouched dinner away. I ate crackers from a vending machine at 3 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 565

You deserved it 87