The Top

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Late bloomer

By depressedboy - 02/02/2024 06:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I came for the first time WAY after the normal age, which is like 11 to 13 (I’m 16) and not only that, but I learned I have to deal with medical conditions, because it was painful when I ejaculated. The first time I even had testicle retraction. I’m just like my goddamn dad with his problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 139

Some people don't belong in education

By Panagiotis - 02/10/2022 00:01 - United States

Today, we had a substitute teacher. She was taking attendance and had trouble pronouncing my last name. When I corrected her, I heard her mutter under her breath about, “Goddamn Mexican immigrants…” I’m from Greek ancestry, born in the USA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 601

You deserved it 149

Dine and dash

By talkomatic713 - 18/07/2021 09:58

Today, some friends and I went to IHOP. We joked about not having enough money, and as it turns out we were $5 short. We put down what we had and left. Upon getting to the car, I realized I'd forgotten my phone, and had to go back. I made eye contact with our waitress, our money in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 199

You deserved it 2 784

Media frenzy

By Anonymous - 04/10/2022 22:00

Today, my sister had about 10 seconds of screen time as a nameless extra in a movie and mom won’t stop crying she’s so proud she saw one of her babies on the TV. I used to work for the BBC. I was on TV for minutes at a time, at least once a week, and she was never this proud of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 150

By Christen - 19/02/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 398

You deserved it 36 733

Indoctrination

By pikimin - 10/10/2022 13:00

Today, one of my Economics students in all seriousness turned in a research paper about the 2021 Supply Chain Crisis, saying that Joe Biden is at fault and that "liberals who put feelings over policy" are to blame. He used sources such as the Daily Mail and even cited a YouTube video by Ben Shapiro. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 520

FOCUS!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 573

You deserved it 2 716

Moving

By happyasaclam - 19/02/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 134

You deserved it 6 060

Don't let me be misunderstood

By sadfacemaking - 20/07/2021 08:01

Today, my boyfriend bought me a ring for my birthday. My dad now refuses to talk to me, because he thinks I'm engaged. My boyfriend thinks it's funny, because he'd never marry me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 223

You deserved it 148

By joy - 07/02/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 468

You deserved it 5 041

By teachingsucks - 14/03/2010 18:29 - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 780

You deserved it 25 094

The friendzone doesn't exist

By AloneAtPerkins - 28/07/2021 04:01

Today, I got friendzoned by my coworker. He'll constantly remind me that he's there for me if I ever need anything or someone to talk to, he's sexy as hell, and he pulls me in for close hugs. This is gonna be a long-ass summer. Oh, did I mention it's a communal living situation in the middle of the mountains? FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 389

By brokennose - 26/08/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 791

You deserved it 67 601

By EsotericBrent - 09/01/2013 06:50 - United States - University Park

Today, my roommate came back drunk from rushing fraternities. Normally I wouldn't have minded, had he not immediately pissed and thrown up everywhere after entering the room. If only I had moved my guitar and the suitcase full of clothes I had left out after returning from break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 493

You deserved it 3 896

EsotericBrent tells us more.

EsotericBrent 29

Wednesday 9 January 2013 15:57

Oh no, the suitcase was open. Minus the one shirt I had taken out to wear that night, it was full too.

Outdoorsy romance

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 17:00

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 849

You deserved it 726

By anonymous - 08/01/2013 00:21 - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 518

You deserved it 52 529

Thanks, asshat

By LowerCrust - 30/01/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 234

You deserved it 2 088

By AmberHavoc - 02/01/2013 15:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 006

You deserved it 46 850

All the same to me

By Gomeck33 - 28/10/2022 02:00

Today, my mother-in-law insisted my wife and I name our unborn son “Aladdin” She thinks the name is perfect and will “match well because it’s an Arabian name” and “Aren’t you Arabian?” I’m Egyptian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 139

By coolkid111 - 27/03/2011 00:26 - United States

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 423

You deserved it 40 027

This Charming Man

By single mom blues - 08/08/2021 00:01

Today, my dad told me I needed to "hurry up and find someone to marry" so my kids wouldn't end up "screwed up" from being raised by a single mom. Their dad died six months ago from Covid. Yes, he knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 101

By replik - 25/01/2012 15:50 - Russian Federation

Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 203

You deserved it 2 165

By Anonymous - 19/08/2009 12:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I wouldn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 035

You deserved it 8 996

By touched - 10/02/2009 11:30 - Philippines

Today, on the crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were less people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. Just when I was about to tell my friends about it, I find out that he stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 418

You deserved it 5 718

By FatalxDesire599 - 05/03/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 718

You deserved it 2 840

Dad joke

By GoDiarrhea - 04/03/2010 18:52 - Argentina

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at Tae kwon do practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear." He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 499

You deserved it 2 864

Get out

By BearGrillz - 17/08/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 340

You deserved it 26 011

Passing the buck

By Anonymous - 31/10/2022 18:00 - Thailand - Huai Khwang

Today my boss gathered us to discuss about empowerment, accountability and Objectives and Key Results. My colleague set her OKRs as, “to empower others to do my work for me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 754

You deserved it 133

By Anonymous - 04/03/2010 00:36 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 710

You deserved it 3 109

Touch me I'm sick

By Anonymous - 06/11/2022 22:00 - Germany

Today, I went to the doctor with some serious physical symptoms that amount to being effectively disabled. She didn’t even ask any questions or examine me before telling me it was all purely psychological. I barely managed to convince her to at least order some blood tests, as a formality. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 138

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The Top

Today, and for the last two weeks, I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 376

You deserved it 41 270

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 363

You deserved it 339 412

Random

Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 976

You deserved it 3 803

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 003

You deserved it 1 411

Today, I got a call from my girlfriend. In front of my wife. There was nowhere to run since we were in the car and my Bluetooth feature was on. My girlfriend’s phone had died and unbeknownst to me, she was calling from her mom’s phone, which is why I answered. I'm now walking home. It’s 5 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149

You deserved it 4 361

Today, I had to endure an awful taxi ride. He got me to my destination perfectly and on time, but spewed a racist rant about how, "all Indians are scammers" and how, "the Chinese should get out" the entire time. Then the taxi app had the audacity to ask for a rating. 5 stars? I don't think so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 231

Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 323

Today, I had to spend a quite considerable chunk of my Saturday on the phone to my boss explaining that no, it is not reasonable or convenient for him to try and cancel my honeymoon leave, all because he messed up the schedules, and doesn’t want to upset the other girl in the office he fancies like mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 71