The Top

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Watch out!

By FlyLikeABird - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 924

You deserved it 4 461

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 18:52 - Canada

Today, my mom informed me that she saw me sleepwalking last night. I didn't think much of it, until I remembered that I went to bed without any clothes on last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 594

You deserved it 6 882

Let 'em in

By knoppad - 13/06/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 853

You deserved it 51 145

Put it away!

By Need eye bleach - 06/04/2023 00:00 - United States

Today, a woman had a wardrobe malfunction right in front of me. As if that's not awkward enough, that woman was my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 158

Escape

By Anonymous - 10/01/2022 20:01 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I realized just how bad my life had become when the doctor said I was likely to survive my severe case of Covid and I was disappointed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 210

By nenette - 12/11/2014 22:50 - France

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 40

By Anonymous - 06/10/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, I got called for a job interview. I didn't catch where it was, and in my excitement I forgot to ask. I now have no idea where I'm being interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 707

You deserved it 35 208

Pure evil

By Anonymous - 03/04/2026 20:00

Spicy

Today, my daughter admitted that she was the one who left all the used condoms in the back of my ex-husband's car, which led to us getting a horrible divorce because I thought he cheated and didn't believe him. I never suspected her for a minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 242

You deserved it 528

Legalize it!

By fml9124 - 07/11/2020 17:02

Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 1 184

Thanks for telling me

By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I was riding the train home, and I sat in the row in front of a homeless woman. I noticed an old man staring at me. I got off the train after a long 6 stops, and the old man who had been staring at me walks up to me and say,s "The lady behind you was flicking lice onto you the whole time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 880

You deserved it 2 607

Life doesn't imitate art

By Anonymous - 02/02/2022 10:59 - France

Today, I realized I hate my life now. Everything changed. My friends changed. I don't like Paris. It's cold and lonely. It's nothing like Emily in Paris. I'm overstressed with uni and my future. I want a break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 555

Heads up

By Anonymous - 05/11/2014 22:52 - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 159

You deserved it 2 264

Confused kitties

By Anonymous - 24/02/2022 06:00 - United States - Steele

Today, my 9-year-old male cat has been trying to procreate with my 4-year-old female cat. Both are neutered, but every now and then, he randomly gets on top of her from behind, and bites her neck hard while she looks visibly uncomfortable. I've never heard of cats giving each other hickeys before. This isn't the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 238

By TonyTalkingClock - 04/11/2014 12:48 - United States - Haverhill

Today, my sweet tooth went to a whole different level when I took a swig out of a bottle of maple syrup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 140

You deserved it 12 286

TonyTalkingClock tells us more.

TonyTalkingClock 11

Tuesday 4 November 2014 21:36

OP here. First off, I would like to thank you all for not only putting my FML on here, but also giving me all this feedback! I felt like I would answer some questions. 2 - Note to self: Will try. 8, and several others - I actually do have some French Canadian heritage, but I was born and raised here in the North Shore of Massachusetts. 36 - It's real maple. Thanks for the feedback, everyone! If you're wondering, it tasted like maple syrup.

Raincheck

By noo - 07/06/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my truck for the first time. While trying to unlock it, it started to rain. After half an hour, I successfully unlocked the door and then drove over my bookbag, which I had placed underneath the truck to keep it out of the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 458

You deserved it 14 708

Grow up!

By UpTheDuff - 20/04/2023 18:00 - United States - New York

Today, after a necessary medical procedure that rendered my birth control ineffective, I found out I’m pregnant. I was already planning to break up with my manchild boyfriend, and when I told him this, his first response was, “What will my parents think?” Parents with whom he still lives at age 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 823

Feet issues

By fet - 23/08/2012 14:30 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to shave my feet in order to wear ballet flats. I'm not a hobbit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 248

You deserved it 3 471

Never enough

By Discostu80 - 06/06/2009 10:24 - Australia

Today, I was at an awards dinner. I whispered into my wife's ear that she looked really pretty. She whispered in my ear that I should stop clapping so loud, because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 874

You deserved it 6 950

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, a woman slipped on the ice in front of me. Instinctively, I caught her before she fell. Instead of thanking me, she whirled around and asked me if my *expletive* mother had taught me to grope women inappropriately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 548

You deserved it 2 740

Who's the asshat in this scenario?

By Anonymous - 22/04/2026 20:00 - United States

Today, my mom told me that I will never see my siblings again because I refused to attend her wedding to another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 214

You deserved it 885

By yarhyun1 - 19/08/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 367

You deserved it 2 555

By TukTuk - 27/10/2014 21:18 - Germany - Weinböhla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 233

You deserved it 5 074

By lonelygirl - 17/08/2012 23:33 - United States - Circleville

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 078

You deserved it 27 041

By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 780

You deserved it 4 093

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 646

You deserved it 33 134

Spy vs. Spy

By Bree - 15/08/2012 15:15 - United States

Today, my father tried to secretly follow me all day, because he doesn't believe that I have any "real" errands to run or friends to meet with. He's actually convinced that I'm living some secret double life with another family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 784

You deserved it 1 737

By unsatisfied - 29/11/2010 12:13 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 711

You deserved it 6 544

By Poem - 19/12/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, the only response I got was, "You may want to use a spellcheck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 056

You deserved it 26 307

Look mom!

By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 19:59

Spicy

Today, I was having my 9 year-old son help me find the TV remote. We were searching my bedroom when all the sudden my son says, “Look, mom it’s right here!” I turn around to see him pointing to where the remote was with my vibrator like a teacher pointing at a blackboard with a pointer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 524

You deserved it 1 019

Chill out, dude

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 00:55 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my son displayed an interest in chess, and asked me to teach him to play. Five minutes in, I captured his queen. He screamed "SCREW THIS STUPID GAME", slammed his fist down on his pieces, and started crying because of the pain. He's fourteen years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 4 686

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 820

You deserved it 13 730

Today, I hooked up with a guy I know from the gym. This dude is built like The Hulk, over 6 feet tall and almost 24 stone. We were really getting into it when he slipped and his whole weight went onto my knee, which bent completely the wrong way and dislocated everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 158

Random

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 935

You deserved it 7 778

Today, walking by myself, I was caught up in a group of people that got arrested, and we all got fined for creating a public disturbance. When I explained I wasn't with them, the group backed me up. The police thought I was the ringleader, and now I have to go to court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 331

You deserved it 3 803

Today, after three university degrees and a decade of avoiding social media in order to make intelligent use of my time online, I discovered that giraffes are addictively mesmerizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 309

You deserved it 1 377

Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 220

Today, I accidentally spoiled the ending of a movie for a group of friends who hadn’t seen it yet. In an attempt to apologize, I blurted out, "At least I didn’t tell you the twist!" They didn't even know that there was a twist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 658

Today, my mom announced that she's getting back together with my stepdad, who just got out of prison. He was in prison because he beat her, choked her, and caused her to have a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 65