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I've not been arrested, I swear!

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 08:01

Today, police knocked on my door in middle of the night. They said there was a fire in one of the houses in our street, so they were evacuating houses. They wouldn’t let me go back and get dressed. As I was only in my underwear, they told me I could wait in their car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 055

You deserved it 98

By isystuff - 01/02/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 372

You deserved it 3 276

By Anonymous - 03/02/2010 00:12 - United States

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 671

You deserved it 2 579

By coffeeburns - 19/07/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I was at a Starbucks drive-thru and was grabbing a hot coffee when I got rear ended and my car hit the vehicle in front of me which deployed my airbag. Hot coffee can really burn when it hits your face at a high rate of speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 310

You deserved it 3 953

Karate Kid

By Anonymous - 29/10/2021 08:00

Today, I took out a thief using my martial arts training. Everyone thanked me, even the police. My mom spent the rest of the day moaning that if I’d minded my own business, the thief would've been gone in two minutes, but thanks to me we had to waste an hour of her day off talking to the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 109

By f - 31/01/2011 05:47

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 327

You deserved it 7 907

Jealousy

By princess_stabitty - 01/08/2020 08:01

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 632

You deserved it 210

Monster Mash

By John - 30/10/2021 05:00

Today, I realized I'm a failure as a man. It's been 17 years since a woman even touched me. I grew up fatherless, have completely lost hope for any chance of a wife or kids. I'm 35 and never been in a relationship. I'm a complete failure because of all this, and have become a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 393

By fudgydiaper22 - 30/01/2011 00:28 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 173

You deserved it 5 150

By Jammy238 - 01/02/2010 05:27 - France

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 724

You deserved it 3 746

By noreia - 06/10/2013 04:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my neighbour came over with a bag containing lingerie, and apologized while blushing. Turns out his boy was the reason that my lingerie kept disappearing from my garden clothesline recently. His "boy" is over 20 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 382

You deserved it 4 266

noreia tells us more.

noreia 14

Monday 7 October 2013 17:43

he'll turn 14 within this month

Spanish inquisition

By Anonymous - 01/11/2021 05:00

Today, my mother-in-law, who lives with us rent-free, still daily tries to get my wife to divorce me and marry a decent Catholic boy who is actually Irish, unlike me who was born in France, even though we’ve been married 23 years and have three kids together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 113

Fanatic

By Anonymous - 25/01/2015 07:01 - United States

Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 544

You deserved it 2 851

Strength test

By likeyourboss - 04/10/2013 16:05 - Denmark

Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 749

You deserved it 5 959

By Anonymous - 30/01/2010 14:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won't have sex with me anymore is because he is "used" to me. He said all of this in front of his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 500

You deserved it 2 940

Run, run now

By SoakingWet - 23/01/2023 03:30

Today, my wife of one week changed locks of the house and put my stuff outside. A letter addressed to “Elizabeth” had arrived in the mail. She thinks it’s my “secret side wife” and that I’m cheating. She was actually the previous owner of the house. My wife told me to, “Tell that lie to someone else.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 175

By A.Summers - 30/09/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 099

You deserved it 11 514

By Anonymous - 24/01/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 094

You deserved it 8 028

Medicare for all, please

By Anonymous - 14/08/2020 02:01

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 144

By Blue - 19/11/2008 11:02 - France

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 375

You deserved it 29 885

WTF?

By Viscerion - 30/01/2023 14:30 - Australia - Albury

Today, my wife, in all seriousness, told me she believed I am autistic. With all due respect to autistic people out there, WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 260

Take that

By anonymous - 26/01/2010 12:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 307

You deserved it 3 814

Bad womens' anatomy

By Anonymous - 05/11/2021 02:00 - United States - Kent

Today, I found out I’m going through early menopause. My husband was finally ready to have a baby, after years of debate and saying he’s not ready. I warned him my ovaries wouldn’t hold out forever. He seems shocked that menopause happens to all women and is irreversible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 421

You deserved it 164

By cargaljen - 21/10/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 961

You deserved it 5 001

By Jane - 24/11/2011 13:57 - Australia

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 901

You deserved it 6 244

Great job, Mom!

By BAintShht - 10/02/2023 16:00

Today, our dog became ill. My mom wasted no time attending her every needs and became very distressed. When I had appendicitis a few months ago, my mom told me to “sleep it off” and a friend had to take me to the hospital. She only called once to bitch at me for “doing this on purpose to make her feel bad.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 108

Thanks for nothing

By Somebody - 19/08/2020 17:01

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 764

You deserved it 173

Inappropriate question

By Anonymous - 07/11/2021 13:59

Today, my new boyfriend asked to know the penis size of every other guy I’ve been with. There are a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 956

By Hth - 28/10/2008 00:13 - United States

Today, I farted A LOT during an exam, all silent, so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I'm now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 340

You deserved it 43 774

The struggle is real

By WiredUp - 21/08/2020 05:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 425

You deserved it 192

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The Top

Today, I heard a conversation between my mom and dad. I’m an only child but my mom is 5 months pregnant. My dad was saying, “Don’t worry, this one’s going to be alright.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 56

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 176

You deserved it 9 167

Today, I woke up next to my wife at my in-laws. It was all set to be a beautiful morning when we got serves breakfast in bed, until my mother in-law started pointing at the big shit stain running from my ass and on to the sheets. Never trust a fart, especially when you're sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 543

Today, I answered the door at my boyfriend's house to an obese woman, who looked and smelled homeless, and rudely tried to barge past me to get inside. I told her to get out or I’d call the police. My boyfriend behind me saw this disgusting woman and said those two awful words: “Hi Mom.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 472

Today, my ADHD has gotten so bad that I called my son by my brother’s name, bumped heads with my 2 year-old, and just now went to sit back down on the couch next to husband and accidentally elbowed him in the eye so badly that he went to sleep because he was so angry with me. Praying he doesn’t have a black eye tomorrow.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 489

You deserved it 1 052

Today, my husband is leaving me because he did a paternity test on our 4 year-old daughter and found out she’s not his. The night of my bachelorette party I drunkenly hooked up with two men so I don’t know who the father is. He doesn’t understand that I was drunk and that family isn’t about blood, it’s about love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 2 646